Willing, Disabled, & Neurospicy: Redefining Pleasure for Diverse Bodies and Minds
The disability community is the second largest population in the world. Disability is also an inevitability. We can be proactive about our health, exercise, eat right, take supplements, meditate, have regular doctor’s appointments, all of which take great time and resources, and we will still develop some type of disability in our lifetimes.
Yet, because we’re crafty and want to live our most fulfilling lives, we find accommodations. We take medicines, have surgeries, get prosthetics, use canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. Some people have more options, some have less.
Being realistic about your resources for self-care is part of the conversation about how to connect with our bodies.
Natural Aging
We all experience natural declines and mismatches in function with aging. Male’s libidos peak in late teens while women’s peak in their forties. It’s so common and natural for men to not be able to maintain erections as readily or for as long. And because our society is so phallus centric, this is treated like a catastrophe or evidence of lack of desire. That’s a lot of pressure! Meanwhile, menopause has gotten a big shrug from the medical community with less than 1% of research dedicated to it.
This inequity and social pressures hugely impact the ways we think about and discuss our own sexual functioning. What’s “normal?”
Physical Disability
My own sex life was hindered for two and a half years from negative medication interactions that created cyclical infections. It took me years to track the patterns while my doctors shrugged and blamed my Type 1 Diabetes. I knew it was more than that. I had to research and discover the interactions between my meds were the cause. I needed to be my own detective and advocate. In the meantime, this strained my relationships and was a very touchy subject.
In their fully able bodied prime, some people ask their partner, “If I was in a wheelchair, would you stay with me?” The implication is more than care, help in the bathroom, etc. It’s also asking about intimacy. How would either of us get sexual needs met if our bodies weren’t functional in the ways we’re used to?
Whether you lose function due to birth, accident, or aging, we can all claim satisfying sex lives if we find ways to discuss our limitations, desires, and needs.
Now, for my Neurospicies!
Through sharing experiences with many neurodivergent partners and hearing stories from my clients, I understand that sex while on the spectrum can feel like everyone else got some manual on how to be spontaneous, smooth, and stay focused that they never got.
We are learning that ADHD & Autism are on the same spectrum and are different expressions of similar neurotypes with distinct presentations. That’s why it’s more and more common to hear someone is diagnosed with AuDHD (both Autism & ADHD).
This can be an extra struggle because the expressions of each are attempting to meet very different needs.
They are constantly trying to balance structure and variety, rules and rebellion, people-pleasing while missing social cues, needing an organized space while not knowing how to organize, and being sexy while feeling uncertain as hell all the time.
Common experiences of Spectrum brains during sex:
Easily distracted by noises, lights, and weird sensations
Need for a lot of variety of stimulation or positions. They get bored and that’s not the other person’s fault.
They are very creative when it comes to ways to keep things spicy and enjoy specific communication with pace, pressure, and roles.
Struggles with touch or proximity due to natural sensory processing differences. This could look like discomfort with certain types or contexts of touch, hypo, or hypersensitivity.
Overthinking every move and then chastising themselves for not being present which makes them less present.
Energy depletion. Many ADHDers experience chronic sleep disorders. They might stay up until 4am hyperfocusing or replaying something awkward they said to their junior high crush. Inconsistent sleep = inconsistent energy for sex. Even well rested, often ADHDers spent a majority of their executive functioning by the early day and are wiped by the time schedules align for a romp.
Compulsive behaviors around self-pleasure and completion, which might include porn.
Needing to pause because they are experiencing nonconcordance (When the brain and body are in two different places).
Feeling disconnected from their body. Many ADHDers struggle with proprioception (the fancy word for knowing where your body is in space).
Another biological need sneaking up on them. They also struggle with interoception (the fancy word for knowing what’s happening inside your body like hunger, thirst, needing to pee, and more).
Lack of clear expectations about positions, timing, what role to play, etc.
Comparison mode. Maybe they’re competing with a friend’s story or something they saw in porn. Or they struggle to differentiate between what their current and past partners enjoyed.
Anxiety, Depression, OCD and other tagalong neuroses. Something that makes having these types of invisible disabilities so hard is the compounding of diagnoses. Typically, people have a grab bag of several mood and compulsion disorders. Understanding the unique intersections and presentations for you or your partner is key to talking about their impact on sex more openly.
CPTSD. A relational form of traumas over time that show up in touch and sex.
Shame. Because neurodiverse people receive shockingly higher numbers of “constructive criticism” in the guise of encouragement or downright bullying, they might struggle with their self-image. There might have been remarks about their hygiene, their eating habits, their sounds or need for colored glasses or headphones… They might be stuck in a lived experience of ‘wrong’ or ‘not enough.’
If this person also experiences RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) they might take gentle feedback as complete lack of desire. They are doing it ALL WRONG.
Tips for how to frame and discuss sexual mis-match or dysfunction:
First thing, and this is a hard one: DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. If your partner seems distracted, needs to pause, loses an erection or experiences vaginal pain, or doesn’t click into the feedback you’re giving, IT’S NOT YOU.
Invite them into conversation. Sometimes being observed or having things called out is physically painful for them. Don’t begin with lack or deficiency. Let them know you want to understand them more and you hope to be a safe space to share vulnerably. If they clam up on something recurring, you can start with “I noticed [name an observable by a camera thing that happened]. Are you open to sharing more about what was happening for you there?”
Don’t shame. Don’t compare them to other lovers and imply they’re not “normal.”
Use specific examples. Don’t use absolutes like always or never referring to their functioning or perceived desire.
Get curious. Whether it’s several hours or a couple of days after, when you’re both calm and stable after things got weird, ask them to describe their own experiences with sex in general in as much detail as they’re able.
Try to understanding before fixing.
Treat everything as an experiment. Some of the adjustments might be easier, like changing the lights, buying new sheets, adjusting timing. Maybe they need a snack before. Maybe they need a water bottle with a bendy straw. Maybe they need to listen to certain sounds or music with one earbud in so they can still hear and connect with you. (Try not to think of this last one as them not paying attention to you. For them, it might help them stay more present). You could find ways to make this intimate like picking a sexy book you enjoy or recording something ahead of time for them to listen to.
Explore mental arousal through fantasy!
Be open-minded to building more explicit expectations through co-creating scene and roles.
Notice and process through your own resentments that might block desire. A couples therapist can be a great resource in helping you uncover, discuss, release, and find healthier ways to get your needs met that will bring back openness and brow-waggling fun!
Some adjustments will take a lot more time and resetting of the nervous system. This might look like a medical intervention such as a Stellate Ganglion Block to help reset and regulate their nervous system to expand their window of tolerance for uncomfortable conversations.
Accommodations will naturally reach their limits in some areas which will be uncovered as you go. Then, it’s a matter of finding external help, adapting the accommodations, adjusting relationship expectations, or acceptance.
Whether you and/or your partner have a physical disability, neurological diagnosis, or several… Leaning into learning from your sexual partner’s experiences is key to figuring out how to find ways to connect that are accessible and exciting! If you need support in discussing these topics, I’m here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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