Fantasizing with Your Partner: Transform Should to Could
When you think of fantasy or fantasizing, what do you think? How do you feel telling your sexual partner(s) what you might like to explore? As a genre Fantasy lives in realms beyond human capability. Yet, we’re drawn to it.
Some people tell stories with their words and get really excited hearing verbal descriptions. These people might love the explicit, the cerebral. Some people tell stories with their sounds. They are very responsive and expressive, but might shy from putting those experiences into words. Some people tell stories with their bodies. They use movement and dance to convey their moods. Many people are a blend of these spectrums.
Keeping an Open Mind (About Sensory Processing)
So, before we fantasize let’s ground in what’s already enjoyable and how our brains absorb new practices.
Everyone has a unique relationship to fantasizing because everyone’s brains are different. Understanding that the act of fantasizing is such a constellation of these different approaches helps us hold various ways of experimenting.
Some people are better able to visualize certain scenarios, whether they’ve seen them before or not.
Some people get overwhelmed with too many options and need the situation described or new content to be narrowed down. They need someone else to be the stimulation algorithm.
Some people are more visually stimulated. They need visual variety to maintain arousal.
Some are more auditorily stimulated. They need to hear sounds of pleasure to stay present.
Some are more sensationally stimulated. These people fantasize with their bodies and are less narrative driven. They might not need a specific scene or story, but need permission to explore new ways of being touched.
Some people have sensory processing differences with certain textures, types, or locations of touch.
Some people get really distracted and need frequent changes.
Getting really specific on what thoughts, stories, spaces, and sensations bring the most safety, stimulation, and pleasure to your bodies creates a detailed map of the fantasy territory you want to explore together. I’m going to write an entire blog on the intersection of neurodiversity and sex, so stay tuned!
Porn
Let’s address that when the words fantasy + sex are in the same sentence, porn is almost inevitably going to pop up. If you haven’t already discussed your relationship to porn, I highly recommend it. Most importantly, what are your thoughts and feelings about porn? How were you first exposed to it? What is its presence in your relationship? What impact, if any, does consumption of it have on the relationship? If your partner understands this, it can also really illuminate blocks and paths to explore fantasy with mindfulness and care.
A majority of porn is entertainment. It is the personification of fantasy. In mainstream live- action or animated porn, many people, hours, and conversations about set, setting, and content are involved prior to that “spontaneous” sexual encounter or the wild chimera creature.
It is often contrived passion.
Persistence in Passion
Genuine passion follows different rules depending on the stage of your relationship. For those in long term relationships, passion takes intentional tending and, yes, scheduling. A great book on this subject is Coming Together by Emily Nagoski.
Aaannd, a large motivation for fantasy is to escape “real life.” It’s an opportunity to subvert expectations or parts we fall into. This is why exploring new roles, new energy or power exchanges, inviting novelty in any form can spark deeper emotional intimacy. I can share from personal and anecdotal experience that for many people fantasizing and trying something new with a long-term partner can feel more daunting. It can be weighty, there’s more habits to adjust and more at stake… This is so common. Embrace the awkwardness as part of it. You can feel frustrated or disappointed that this new thing isn’t clicking right away and keep trying or pivot. If it’s not now, it might later. On the other side of that awkwardness is deeper understanding of what jives with yourself and each other.
Trust the process.
How do we fantasize together?
Apply “Vegas Rules” to your discussions.
Come to the table with an open mind.
Don’t yuck someone else’s yum!
Things to try:
1. Spicy question card decks. Tale advantage that there are a ton of conversation starter decks for sale! It can take the pressure off to let someone else come up with the prompts.
2. Start with the sentence stem “I wonder what it would be like to…” Then, complete it with desires that are imminently attainable.
EX: “I wonder what it would be like to…brush your hair.”
EX: “I wonder what it would be like to… take your shoes off.”
EX: “I wonder what it would be like to… hold on to your tongue while you say my full name.”
It’s up to you and your partner if they would then be open to receiving this touch. In my experience, the wait between musings and the opportunity to act builds a lot of fun tension. This is also really good practice for getting explicit consent.
Then, you can move to to more and more adventurous offers:
EX: “I wonder what it would be like to… touch each other with blindfolds”
EX: “I wonder what it would be like to… not kiss on the mouth during play.”
EX: “I wonder what it would be like to… pretend we just met.”
3. Spontaneous scene creation:
You can roll spicy dice or buy your own blank wooden die to write on. Then, create a flow together of those acts. Describe why you like them in a certain order. You can also use D&D character building templates to create characters or alter-egos to enact. Embrace the silly! This builds skills of negotiation and understanding the arc of arousal for your partner.
4. Take orgasm off the table
If you notice that your sex tends to follow a certain script, changing the expected ending often changes the stops along the way. If you or your partner are very goal oriented in wanting one or both people to “finish,” remove that as an option or objective entirely and take a more scenic route.
5. Non-verbal communication:
Some people think they are really good at this and assume the other person’s pace or willingness because of past experiences. Before trying this, create shared reality on what your ‘keeping going,’ ‘pause,’ and ‘stop’ signals are. If needed, you can always break the silence with verbal cues such as the Traffic Light System of: green, yellow, and red.
Set a timer and touch each other, dance, and maybe sync movement to enhance non-verbal communication and practice attunement. See if you can find ways to initiate and escalate touch through body language alone.
6. BDSM checklists:
These lists are a menu of options where you can out your level of interest, experience, and limits related to a specific act. For those who find it awkward to know where to start or verbalize what they might be open to, this allows a trackable map for co-exploring new territory.
7. What’s That Like?
If your partner is verbally capable and inclined, get curious why they enjoy certain sensations and acts. Not in a way that needs justification, but clarification. Assume nothing. You can do this by asking “What’s that like?”
Limit Should’s
If you or your partner get performance anxiety, remember to breathe and have fun. Remember to release the preconceived notion about how something is supposed to look when someone is doing it and discover what it’s like when YOU or THEY do it. Accept the bloopers as part of the joy. Intentionally limit being goal-oriented by omitting orgasm for a period, or only watching with no touching.
Fantasy is about the journey. Let the story unfold.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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