Curiosity Creates Connection: Advice From a Couples Therapist
Have you ever spent time with a new friend and your partner, and the new friend asked a question that got your partner to share something you've never heard from them before? You never would have thought to ask that or wouldn't know how.
Maybe you, like me, grew up thinking curiosity is a fixed trait. You have a certain percentage and that's it. You're a curious person or you're not. This notion was reinforced by my parents asking me one question, and I answer. Then, without skipping a beat, they tell me everything going on with them, never giving me an opportunity to practice getting curious and asking what I really wanted. Did I even know what that was?
How Curiosity Has Helped My Clients
It wasn't until college that I started to explore my curiosity. And it wasn't until joining and leading in the Authentic Houston Community, where I played the relational game Curiosity for the first time, that I realized its power and that it's a skill I can practice and foster. Now, curiosity is one of the primary aspects of my work. As a couples therapist, I've learned how to tap into my genuine curiosity with someone and voice it. You can too!
In couples therapy, when clients come in who have been together for a long time, over ten years, maybe over twenty, and claim they know everything about each other, my heart drops. How static and boring to know everything. How stifling to the natural evolution of a relationship. Yet, to know everything about someone gives a sense of security. Is that security real or imagined? What creates true security is paying attention to what we know about them, our ability to revise our perception of their character when we learn new information, and making efforts to have a shared reality. Are you hearing and reflecting on their experience or are you the copy editor of it?
Assuming Kills Curiosity in a Relationship
One of the primary curiosity killers is assuming. You don't need to ask because you know what they're going to say. Do you ever answer questions for your partner? To show how well you know them, to feel connected, and experience the power of being right.
Maybe you're not right and you've been assuming the answer for so long your partner doesn't feel empowered to challenge you or speak their own truth. Maybe when they try you protest and insist it's your version. Or maybe you're the person who's been spoken for and it feels exhausting to correct people, so you just let it slide for probably too long, wondering if anyone really knows you or cares.
When you do ask questions, they're logistical and you have no idea how they feel about much of anything. Or you project how you feel onto them because why wouldn't someone feel that way? So, how do we stop assuming and start getting curious about our partner in genuine ways?
Start By Making a List of Things You Don’t Know
First, tell yourself you don't know everything about them and that you're not a fortune teller. Maybe make a list of things you don't know.
EX: I don't know your favorite part of our first date.
EX: I don't know the most recent time you were scared.
EX: I don't know who you most admired as a child.
Next, we'll learn about the types of information and questions.
3 Types of Information:
Logistical Information:
These are the who, what, where, when, and how questions.
EX: When will you be home? Who will be with you? What do you want for dinner? Where would you want to eat tonight? How do I start the instant pot?
Personal Information:
These are the why or feelings questions.
EX: Why are you passionate about...? How do you feel about...?
Relational Information:
These are questions about the relationship, it can be in the here and now. I call these "what is this/that like"... questions.
EX: What is it like to be with me right now? How are you feeling about our connection? How was it to hear what I just shared?
Got that? Great!
How To Ask Questions
Now, we'll learn about how to ask questions to get the amount of information you want. This is achieved through closed and open-ended questions.
Close-Ended Questions
Close-ended questions are typically logistical and can be answered briefly with yes, no, or a number or name.
These tend to be: who, where, what, and when questions.
EX: Who are you going to dinner with? Where are you going? What will you eat there? When will you be home?
Each of these questions could be answered with one word or phrase. Someone can choose to expand if that's in their nature, but these questions don't invite elaboration.
Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions, on the other hand, DO invite elaboration.
These tend to be personal or relational types of questions.
EX: How do you feel about going back to work?
EX: How do you think things went with my family this last visit?
EX: Who do you want to be as a parent?
If you or your partner are not used to sharing more, these could still be answered with one word. A way I get people to elaborate when I ask them how they are, and they respond "Good" is "What's good like?" I invite them to be descriptive. Another phrase I use with people who are familiar with my lingo is "double-click." When I say this, they know I want them to zoom in on what they just said. If that's not your style, I encourage you to ask, "Would you be open to sharing more?"
When our partner shuts down or we get the same types of answers over and over, it's easy to get discouraged and frustrated or shut down ourselves. I encourage you to invite more rather than say things like "Is that all you're going to say? Why don't you ever really talk to me? You're so disconnected. Good talk. Well, don't go into too much detail," etc.
Those are learned responses to our own frustration. Criticism or sarcasm is negative reinforcement and will not get you more information or connection. When I'm on the receiving end of that, I might get defensive or shut down even more.
Use Caution With Leading Questions
Lastly, for types of questions, I want to caution about leading questions. These questions seem like open-ended questions on the surface. However, typically when you ask them, you’re filling in the blanks to get the answer you expect. Then, the other person might answer with one word or spend all their energy correcting your "hypothesis." They either comply or argue and you still may never learn how they truly feel or think about something.
EX: "Don't you think so and so is an idiot?"
EX: "Do you feel excited about starting your new job?"
EX: "Are you going out with your work friends to avoid my mom?"
EX: "You don't care about my feelings, do you?"
EX: "Are you mad at me?"
These are examples of stories you might concoct that you morph into a question to receive the answer you expect or to be disproven. Our relationships are not science experiments. Don't create hypotheses you expect to be proven and then get mad at the results, whether they align or not. These questions are limiting and often put people in positions of needing to defend a position for or against rather than a genuine exploration.
Again, this is a learned behavior, and it takes time to break the habit. Do your best to be an explorer rather than the expert of your partner. Assume there's uncharted territory that you have the honor to map over time.
Learning These Types of Questions and Skills Will Help Your Relationship
If you can learn to ask the types of questions to get the amount of sharing you want and be able to invite more with patience, you will learn and model a valuable skill for intimacy.
My husband and I have been together for over 15 years and every time I get curious about his experience, I add to my knowledge of him. His hopes, his fears, his values, his attachment patterns... Of course, our lived experiences together over that time mean I feel secure in how I imagine he’ll respond, but not so confident as to assume or over-write his response or actions. I enjoy giving and receiving curiosity from my partner because it shows me how dynamic we are and how we grow together. I want that for you too.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!