In Sync: Attunement in Action
Have things been feeling off between you and your partner(s)? Are you struggling to interpret their cues or moods? Do you wish they were better at reading yours? Last week, Erika explored the concept of attunement through understanding and accommodating neurological differences. Today, I want to share about how we can attune with our bodies.
Similarly to how our brains have different strengths and capacities, so do our bodies. We each have various levels of awareness of and responsiveness to our somatic experiences. On a personal level, this can be grown and enhanced through mindfulness practices.
How do we relationally attune with our bodies?
Inspiration struck when I was playing frisbee with a partner. I’d tossed a frisbee at nothing in particular a handful of times in my life prior to that first day in the park with him. I had limited experience or training. He played on Ultimate Frisbee teams. It would have been easy to feel self-conscious at the number of times my throws landed the frisbee in the middle of the street, went into a tree, or hit a sculpture. Sorry giant sculpture in Menil Park! Yet, he always laughed (with me) and happily chased after it.
He unwaveringly encouraged my improvement and said nothing or shrugged when I totally flubbed it.
And he flubbed it, too, on occasion, also laughing and shrugging. As we played, we began getting creative and silly with our throws, moving to different locations, long-distance dancing. After some time, I noticed when I dropped into my breath, trusted my body, got used to how to hold my fingers and flick my wrist on the release, I got more accurate. We got into a flow state with each other. And the best part was there was no score-keeping. The purpose was fun, connection, and moving our bodies. Afterwards, I felt so grateful. Relaxed yet invigorated. When things dropped, when they’re missed, we could laugh together and keep going with ease.
Power exists in purposeful play.
That’s nice and all, but what if I don’t want to go outside or I have a physical disability that prevents me from those sorts of activities? The cool thing with this type of attunement is that as long as it fits a few key criteria, you can totally get creative and find something that fits your unique bodies and relationship!
What’s the criteria?
1. Something back and forth or synchronous
2. Something non-competitive (I know this is painful for some. This can definitely be a growth edge to explore and might bring up topics of self-worth and power dynamics. These activities are great places to get curious about those).
3. Something silly, playful, peaceful; whatever energy you’re hoping to invite. Try to imagine lightness and levity.
4. Something in shared space that helps sync your breath
5. Co-creation, co-destruction, or no outcome oriented
Here are some ideas for attunement that fits various levels of ability:
A neighborhood walk. Try to match each other’s pace. It’s up to you if you want to talk, hold hands, or share your attention on the same thing: looking for things that are yellow, or pointing out features you like of the houses.
Dancing. You’re not on Dancing with the Stars! You’re in your kitchen or living room and no one is judging you. Go in with the mindset that there is no perfect choreography. That you’re going to stumble and be foolish. Start off not touching and move toward each other when you feel the pull. If you get tangled up, your hands disconnect, you do an awkward spin, great! This has the added benefit of relieving stress. Making a Dance playlist together can be a fun part of the process and create a shared vibe.
Partner yoga. This can be a fun way to connect physically and energetically. Your bodies will have different limitations, some more obvious than others. Especially if you can help each other stretch, that’s awesome. As an added bonus, I’ve often found myself craving more physical intimacy afterwards. You might, too.
Singing together. Even if you hate your voice, or your partner can’t carry a tune in a bucket, as my mom would say, crank up the volume and sing a song you love together. Vibration is an effective and efficient power tool of co-regulation. If singing is too much, you can try humming while touching.
Mirror exercise: Take turns trying to sync to the other’s movements and expressions. There’s no right or wrong so long as you honor your partner’s abilities.
Shared breathing exercises. This can be a 3-breath hug, placing your hands on each other’s hearts as you breathe, or even something a little more fun like the old classic Suck & Blow: trying to pass a card back and forth with your mouth. You both win when you get to kiss!
Fortune Cookie: Go back and forth to create a sentence one word at a time. The content of the sentence doesn’t matter and is often absurd. You can write them down, collect them, toss them. Up to you.
Emergent Co-creation: For the artsy folks, you can start a painting or work with clay together without any notion of what you want to create. Go back and forth, making additions. Allow it to unfold. Allow your hands to touch and work together. No constructive criticism or directions needed. Share what you’re enjoying or talk about something else while you craft. If you don’t like the final product, that’s fine, throw it away. If you do, hang it on the fridge or use it as a paper-weight.
A smashing good time!: If, instead, you want to process some frustrations together, go to a smash room/space. You can create more attunement by setting an intention together and/or venting out loud and cheering each other on. I’ve done this a couple times with loved ones, and it was wildly cathartic.
Describe emotional body connection: Attempt to name where your emotions live in your body as you feel them. This is a process over time. If your partner knows where you hold your feelings, especially some of the subtler ones, they’ll learn to read your body more accurately and learn how and when to give space or co-regulate with you.
When we aren’t focused on doing it perfect or winning, magic happens!
When I need perspective on bringing levity to a situation, I borrow the catchphrase from Whose Line Is It Anyway: “Everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.” Say that out loud and notice how you feel afterward. What I enjoyed about that show is that it’s about the process and spontaneity; constant collaboration. The points were arbitrary. Remember, you get to decide what points you want to attribute to actions. And what actions don’t need points at all. Only play.
Whether this sounds fun, or scary, or meh, if you want to learn attunement with your partner and process what comes up when you try it, we’re here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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