Yep! That’s Sex: Normalizing Natural Experiences
Many couples get so caught up in what they think sex should be that they miss out on what it could be. Often times, there’s a lot of ego, a lot of meaning we attribute to perfectly natural sexual functions. We’ve learned how to initiate, the value of sexual feedback, and some tools to give it. Today, we’ll be exploring some basic aspects I hope to normalize.
1. Lube is our FRIEND: How much natural lubrication someone has is not a reliable indicator of their desire. Separate it from your ego and know lube is always our friend to help keep tissue safe and ready for more sensation.
2. Penises get tired and soft: like any tissue. How erect someone stays is not a reliable indicator of their desire. Just as we might desire to eat a certain food, but our body isn’t hungry, we can want something and not be physically ready for it. Blood flow, mood, time of day, intrusive thoughts all influence how the soft tissue responds. Attempt to enjoy their penis in all states. I’ve had many penis-having partners express gratitude and warmth about it being cupped or given a smooch when it’s soft. This can be extremely bonding and help them feel safe and have less performance anxiety. *This can be very off-putting for someone who received SA as a child, so be mindful and check in.
3. Masturbation is healthy and normal: Masturbation only becomes dysfunctional if it interferes with achieving necessary daily tasks. Many people benefit from the release and connecting with themselves includes less performance anxiety. It’s like singing in the shower versus singing a duet. It’s also an excellent way to help share feedback with our partner(s) on how to please us. If you are someone who self-pleasures, pay attention to what spots, pace, position, and rhythms feel good for you.
Just like vagina-having folks have a lot of variation, penis having folks also experience stimulation in different spots. Some more at the base, others a spot in the middle of the shaft, and others close to the head, which is similar to the head of the clitoris. Foreskin is essentially the labia and can receive similar types of stimulation. As Emily Nagoski said a million times because it bears repeating:
“Same parts, different configuration.”
4. Condoms are great! (When they fit): Some people struggle to find condoms that fit them properly, some uncircumcised people struggle with sensation if it’s too tight or they come off more easily. Some people have latex allergies, which can present as redness, itching, or irritation. Order a few different ones to try with your partner and treat it as an adventure. If you have a mental block about the barrier, try to find a way, with your partner, to make putting them on and making safety sexy!
5. Sex can be funny and silly: Squelchy sounds, slipping, tooting, belching, being tickled by scruff or long hair…all of these and more happen during sex because we’re human and, to varying degrees, we’re moving our whole gassy, sweaty, hairy body on someone else. Be super serious if that’s your bag. My invitation is to laugh at the silly stuff together. Have fun with, don’t make fun of.
6. Smells happen: Our body odor shifts based on our hormones. If you enjoy your partner’s natural musk, that’s your body’s way of telling you their pheromones suit yours and can be a strong indicator for mating, and often for relationship compatibility. Some people have intense olfactory sensitivity. If that’s you, be kind. Rather than saying “you smell or taste bad down there,” ask them to wash up before you engage. Offering to shower or bathe with them and helping them clean can be really connecting and great foreplay!
7. Timers: This is the non-verbal container setting tool that can free us from pressure or second-guessing how long you’ll be doing a certain activity. This isn’t about rushing to do the activity, it’s about knowing how long you’ll be engaging. Discussing how long to set the timer builds negotiation skills; and helps you share your energy levels and other needs in the context of making time to have fun!
8. Preferences change: There were things I used to think I would never be into, or even had deep judgment of, that I now love because someone inspired the enjoyment when I was ready for it. Sex is so dynamic! Yet, we tend to get stuck in self-consistency bias of “I would never try that. That will never feel good, etc.” You might find you enjoy something immensely that you were other-shamed or self-shamed into being icked by, in the right context, with the right person. Our bodies and life experiences change, and our sensations and sexual proclivities change with them.
9. Arousal happens on a spectrum: Our bodies respond to the same stimulation vastly differently when we’re doing the dishes versus when we’ve been lounging on vacation for several days. Some bodies have naturally low enjoyable arousal due to neurodivergence, trauma, attachment patterns, etc. Some partners will be more or less sensitive, expressive, or initiating, and that’s normal. If this is causing concern in your connection, I’m happy to support you.
10. “Pleasure is the measure.” It’s one of my favorite mantras. Another Emily Nagoski gem helps us understand the goal is to connect in pleasure together. It’s a paradigm shift from being goal-oriented about how many times each of you orgasms to enjoying the ride (pun intended).
If you struggle with personalizing someone else’s body and its responses, if you make up stories about your worth based on their level of initiation, lubrication, swelling, or sudden expressed desire to try something new, we’re here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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