It's Context, Not an Excuse: Using Attunement to Deepen Your Relationship
In healthy relationships, partners strive to really “get” each other—not just at a surface level, but at the deeper level of emotion, experience, and need. This ability to notice, respond, and stay present with one another is what therapists often call attunement. When couples practice attunement, they’re able to connect with the emotional heartbeat beneath the words and actions. It’s one of the most powerful tools for building trust, safety, and intimacy.
But here’s where things get complicated: what happens when mental health symptoms, past trauma, or even everyday stress distort the way one or both partners show up? How do you stay connected when depression looks like withdrawal, anxiety looks like irritability, or trauma responses look like shutting down or lashing out?
This is where the idea of “it provides context, not an excuse” becomes so important.
Mental Health in a Relational Context
When we think of depression, we might picture sadness or hopelessness. In relationships, however, depression often looks like disconnection: one partner pulling away, struggling to find motivation, or losing interest in intimacy. Anxiety might not only feel like worry internally, but relationally it might look like criticism, control, or constant checking in. Trauma can show up in the body as hypervigilance, quick tempers, or freezing when conflict arises.
These symptoms don’t appear in isolation—they show up in how we speak to each other, touch each other, and navigate daily life. That means both partners are impacted, whether directly or indirectly.
It helps to remember that when your partner reacts in a way that feels hurtful, there is often a context behind it: their mental health history, their nervous system, their lived experience. Understanding the context doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does help us interpret it in a more compassionate and less personalized way.
The Risk of Personalizing
Without attunement, it’s easy to fall into personalizing your partner’s symptoms:
“She doesn’t want to spend time with me because I’m not interesting enough.”
“He got irritated again—I must be doing everything wrong.”
“They shut down because they don’t care about me or this relationship.”
Personalizing in this way often leads to defensiveness, resentment, and disconnection. When couples learn to step back and see behavior through the lens of context, they create space for empathy. For example:
“Her depression makes it hard for her to initiate plans, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me.”
“His anxiety makes him hyper-focused on details—this isn’t about me being inadequate.”
“They freeze when conflict escalates because of old trauma, not because they’re uninterested.”
This shift allows couples to stay on the same team, rather than becoming adversaries.
Context, Not an Excuse
At the same time, context should never become an excuse to avoid growth. Saying “Well, that’s just my anxiety talking” or “My trauma makes me shut down, deal with it” places the responsibility solely on the other partner. That erodes trust and keeps the relationship stuck.
Instead, the healthiest couples embrace a both/and mindset:
Yes, symptoms provide context.
And yes, change is still necessary.
When your partner is attuned and points out that something you’re doing is hurting the relationship, it can sting. It’s tempting to fall back on diagnosis or trauma as a shield. But growth comes from saying:
“You’re right—I snapped at you. My anxiety played a role, but I need to work on responding differently.”
“I know I withdraw when I’m depressed, but I can try to let you know what’s going on instead of leaving you in the dark.”
“My trauma makes conflict hard, but I’ll practice grounding myself so I can stay engaged.”
This posture of agency keeps both partners accountable while honoring the reality of mental health struggles.
What to Do in the Moment
When symptoms show up in the relationship, here are a few practices that can help:
1. Pause and Name It – Notice what’s happening in real time. “I can see I’m shutting down right now” or “I feel my anxiety spiking and it’s making me snappy.” Naming it creates awareness and breaks automatic cycles.
2. Choose Attunement Over Defense – Instead of escalating, try leaning in with curiosity. “You seem distant—are you feeling depressed?” or “You sound tense—what’s happening for you?”
3. Separate Context from Blame – Acknowledge the role of symptoms without weaponizing them. This allows compassion without excusing harmful behavior.
4. Take Repair Seriously – When you miss the mark, circle back. Repair builds trust: “I know my irritation hurt you earlier. I’ll keep working on this.”
5. Seek Support – Sometimes couples therapy or individual work is necessary to learn new tools and regulate symptoms in healthier ways. No one has to navigate this alone.
Moving Forward Together
Attunement isn’t about being perfect. It’s about choosing connection again and again, even when mental health challenges and trauma responses complicate the picture. By remembering that symptoms provide a context, not an excuse, couples can respond to each other with both compassion and accountability.
When partners attune instead of personalize, they create a relationship where growth is possible—even in the face of struggle. That’s where resilience, intimacy, and healing truly flourish. While this all sounds simple enough, simple isn’t always easy. You and your partner will likely need help learning how to do this in the moment, gaining awareness of how symptoms show up relationally, and managing responses. If you want to dig in deep and have expert guidance in this process, couples therapy or a couples intensive are great places to start.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
Start Couples Therapy in League City, TX
Are you and your partner struggling with marital issues? Looking to build a strong and secure relationship? At Center For Couples Counseling, you and your partner can learn to reconnect, create a healthy relationship, and gain support from our skilled couples therapists. To get started with couples therapy follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our caring couples therapists
Begin working on your relationship and reconnect with your partner.
Other Services Offered At Center For Couples Counseling
Our team understands your relationship might be facing different challenges. So our Texas practice offers other therapies to help you face these challenges. Other services include individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!