From Accusation to Connection: The Art of 'I' Statements (& Other Agreements) in Conflict Resolution
Have you ever been in a conversation that took a left turn because all of a sudden, the other person says things like: “I feel like you don’t care about my work.” “You’re lying.” “You don’t appreciate me.”?
Yikes! Where did that come from? They’re attacking my character and what they’re saying isn’t even a little bit true. I must defend myself! “Well, you never share anything about your work, all I know is you work too much!” “I’m not lying! [explains in heated detail all of the reasons you’re being accurate and truthful].” “I don’t appreciate you? I buy you flowers, I rub your shoulders, what more do you want?!”
Often, we react, and we react to refute when something seems unwarranted, untrue, and is bashing our self-concept. “I care.” “I’m honest.” “I’m loving.” You probably are.
What’s happening here is a lack of what’s called “I” language; what I call Truth Statements. “When you/x happened, I felt…” I call it a truth statement because it’s sharing an objective thing that happened (rather than our interpretation or story about what happened), then sharing how we personally feel about that. This one tool will be completely disarming and change the tone of a discussion. It allows the other person to hear what’s true for you without feeling blamed, hearing assumptions or leading questions, and they can connect to empathy much more quickly because they’ve likely felt that way too.
Alternate ways of expressing the opening sentiments using “I” language
Examples:
“When you sigh and roll your eyes when I tell you about a work deadline, I feel unimportant.”
When you tell me something happened that I don’t remember, I feel confused.”
“When you come home after I’ve cleaned the house and made dinner and don’t say anything about it, I feel unappreciated.”
“I” language is not only about diffusing and efficiency, though those are worth celebrating, it’s also a tool for connection, showing positive regard, and more deeply knowing someone.
You might’ve heard of “Fair Fighting Rules.” If, like me, you bristle at the word ‘rules,’ I like to think of them as tried and true best practices. Not every conflict is a fight. Sometimes, it’s a wound. Sometimes it’s sticking up for a value. Conflict is inevitable and not inherently bad, though definitely unpleasant in the moment. It’s how we handle it that determines how unpleasant it is and for how long. So, alliteration aside, I frame the agreements we co-create that help us use our newly acquired tools more safely and effectively as Conflict Resolution Skills.
Conflict Resolution Skills
These include:
Timing: choosing a good time for both to discuss something charged
Topic: sticking to one topic at a time
Flow: letting the other person complete a thought, hopefully reflecting back for clarity, then responding
Respect: establish language agreements about what is and isn’t acceptable (such as avoiding: name-calling, blaming, criticizing), etc.
Teamwork: ensure you have shared reality about what the problem is before trying to find a solution
Sharing Feelings: using “I” language, what I call Truth Statements. “When you/x happened, I felt…”
Safety measures: Establishing and using a safe word to indicate needing a break.
Fallible, non-assumptive language: Avoid absolutes (always, never, nobody, everybody, etc.), use: “I imagine…” “My story is…”
These and more will set you up for more success in navigating pain and finding solutions. Which is great when you’re in a solid headspace.
When couples get heated, I see a lot of these best practices fly out the window. All of the co-regulation skills, active listening, curiosity, and empathy we’ve practiced, are in the tool belt they can’t reach because they’re too flooded. And, when we’re flooded, we interrupt, bring up things from the past and tangentially related topics, we blame or accuse. This is common and completely human. We all get hurt, feel unheard, get overwhelmed, and often revert to an inner-child in adult clothes. This is why, when language fails us, creating a space to take breaks is key.
If you proactively use Truth Statements when entering a charged discussion, it’s much more likely to stay on track and foster teamwork. You might have heard the phrase “us versus the problem,” Using “I” language keeps the distinction between your partner and the problem or behavior separate and there’s more empowerment to brainstorm together.
Being able to use these tools effectively is only as good as our buy-in and agreement with ourselves and each other to use them. Discuss with your partner why each piece is important, and if you did them, what that would mean for your relationship. Also discuss accountability to them. If one person doesn’t or stops using these tools, what will the other say or do?
When someone doesn’t stick to a mutual agreement is a great place to practice “I” language.
Examples:
“When you raised your voice just now, I felt scared/defeated/frustrated. We agreed not to yell. Could we lower our voices?”
“When you bring up multiple topics, I feel confused and overwhelmed. I’d like to stick to the first topic we were discussing.”
“When you brought up and launched into a big and heavy discussion suddenly, I felt surprised and tired. Would you check with me if I have the energy to discuss something big before we get into it so it’s more likely to go well?”
“When you called me a liar because I see or remember something differently, I feel hurt and indignant. I view “liar” as name-calling and we agreed not to do that. Would you use a truth statement to share what you’re confused about?”
“When I used our safe word and you kept speaking and followed me, I felt disrespected. I was at capacity and needed a break. We need to be able to stick to that to be able to solve anything. What needs to happen to make our safe word more effective?”
All of these are easier written than done in the heat of the moment. So, practice when you’re in a neutral or good place with each other.
Practice negotiating timing for dinner, to have weekly check-in’s, etc. In fact, establishing regular check-ins where you might discuss big topics is a great idea! Practice sharing about one topic and asking to be heard or for support. Practice kindness, and maybe write counter-scripts for what your brain gremlins tell you about the other person when you’re upset.
Seriously, establish a safe word, color system, or gesture to indicate being at capacity and needing a break. Practice taking breaks with each other when things are chill to build confidence about setting timers and checking back in. Maybe say “I’m going to start the laundry, go for a walk, etc. and I’ll check in with you in thirty minutes.” Then, set a timer and check in. This builds trust in the ability to take breaks and re-connect. Practice Truth Statements throughout the day and conversation. When your partner shares or does something, tell them how you feel in response.
If you use “I” language you are learning to take responsibility for your feelings and acknowledge that they could be from a pre-existing wound that has little to do with your partner. You are building healthy rapport and things are less likely to get heated in the first place. Save the energy for what you want to build together. Use your words as a bridge rather than a spear; and you’ll be amazed at what terrain you can travel together.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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