Harmless or Heartbreak: Defining the Lines of Cheating
What do you consider cheating?
For some, your partner looking at someone else in public might ruffle feathers while other couples check out people together. Some people ask their significant other(s) to abstain from watching porn while others watch or make porn with their partners. Some people get upset when their partner is obviously flirting or someone hits on them. Others get excited that their partner is sparking desire. Are there exceptions for people of the same sex? Are strangers okay but friends and co-workers are off limits? What gendered assumptions do you bring to it?
Only you and your partner(s) get to decide what is in and out of bounds.
The Age of Hidden Messages
Here’s the thing, if you engage in any activity outside of your explicit relationship agreements it will almost inevitably be found out. It’s Jumanji rules. It won’t stay buried. I see it time and time again.
Privacy is a diminishing commodity.
And honestly, while many people feel compelled to ask a lot of questions about the ‘other person’ or activities involved, the thing a vast majority of people are most upset about is the withholding and deception involved. The most common questions revolve around ‘why’ not ‘what.’
It’s a rare case that someone confesses to their part from a place of true remorse.
More typically, a partner finds out, confronts, is lied to a few times, and then the truth comes out. That turns what would already be a big rupture in trust to a gaping chasm.
Does Porn Impact Security?
I touched on the topic of porn in a recent article on fantasizing. I sit with clients who feel deeply uncomfortable with their partner engaging with porn, asked their partner to not watch it, partner agreed and then broke that agreement, and they both end up in front of me spending hours and money to invest in repair.
For some, we’ve been able to rebuild trust, explore from both sides the need for the agreement, whether it’s realistic, why it was broken, and if it needs to be re-examined.
For many, porn is a minefield of comparison for those with body image insecurities, contempt for the murky ethics of most distributors, or representing acts or looks that person could or would never embody.
When “Likes” Cross the Line
Many struggle with how their partner is engaging with others on social media. Are they ‘heart reacting’ someone’s workout photos a bit too often for comfort? Are they DM’ing on Instagram or TikTok? Does your partner post photos with you or celebrate you publicly? Do you know your partner’s phone activities?
Creating phone transparency agreements that suit you both is highly recommended.
But, We’re Open…
Cheating does occur in nonmonogamous relationships. Because of the emphasis on open, proactive, clear communication in this practice, betrayal is still about a partner withholding, deceiving, or engaging in something beyond what’s been agreed upon. In my circles, it’s usually the timing of information sharing that creates the most upset. Did they check in before extending a date later? Did they do something with someone else you thought what exclusive? At what point did they disclose not using condoms with a newer connection?
People are people. Some, especially those newer to nonmonogamy, continue to struggle with the physical aspects. Many primarily struggle with needing to be prioritized in the sharing of updates and resources. Opening your relationship doesn’t negate cheating, it creates multiple paths for accountability as well as places to misstep.
The human need to be considered remains the same. I specialize in helping people navigate nonmonogamy through forming agreements that honor their system.
A Flirt Too Far
When you’re out in a social situation with your partner(s), do you get antsy, hot, chest tight, tummy swirls when your partner is flirting or being flirted with? Or do you revel in them getting attention knowing they’re going home with you? Does it bring up fear they might leave or be swept away? Saying you feel jealous isn’t the same as naming your sensations and what that jealousy is trying to protect. Your ego? Your emotional safety? Their physical safety? It’s a fine line and sometimes hard to tell.
If it’s someone else’s behavior that irks you, name what your partner could do to help you feel more secure.
Ultimately, if they’ve not given you a reason to doubt their loyalty, hopefully you trust them to act with integrity in honoring your relationship regardless of someone else’s thirsty solicitations.
Threat Awareness
Exploring in detail with your partner(s) what actions from them or others land as threats for you is the most valuable thing you can do. What are you and your partner’s biggest temptations and limitations when it comes to protecting your relationship? This might include talking about experiences with exes. This might include talking about neurodiversity leading to missing cues or impulsivity. This might include making some requests. I used to assume that because I’d told someone that something would be upsetting for me they wouldn’t do it. I learned the hard way that I need to write down specific agreements. I’ve also learned that every agreement comes with an asterisk. Everyone’s asterisk will be unique based on their context. Whether the person who “cheated” gets grace or wrath is up to you. Being clear with yourself the consequences if “cheating” occurs and conveying that to your partner while you’re making the agreements can be helpful. Know that everyone makes mistakes, it’s the timing between the act, owning it, and how earnestly repair is attempted that makes or breaks a relationship.
So, if you want to renegotiate your agreements because they aren’t working for you anymore, go for it! It takes more time and honest communication, and it clarifies if you’re still compatible rather than creating a lot of drama and heartache.
Don’t let assumptions or discomfort with certain topics cheat yourself out of the clarity you both/all need to honor each other.
Need guidance identifying threats, how to negotiate, create agreements, and repair? I’m here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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