The Impact of Technology on Emotional Intimacy: Couples Therapy in the Digital Age
How many times a week do you think I hear about technology in my sessions? I haven’t actually counted, but it comes up multiple times a day. The rapid advancement of technology in recent decades has changed pretty much every aspect of our lives, including how we form and maintain romantic relationships. I’ve been forced to keep up to date (at least in knowledge of their existence) with as many apps and social media platforms as I can because it plays such a large role in how people communicate and function.
While technology has undoubtedly made communication more accessible and convenient (for example, you don’t even have to leave the house to do therapy!), I can’t help but wonder about its impact on emotional intimacy in couples. I’ve seen couples get creative in how they use technology to feel closer, such as sending each other pictures from the past when they feel disconnected or using ChapGPT to create an itinerary for your next vacation.
AND, as I’m sure every couples therapist on the planet can attest to, technology can quite literally destroy relationships. Affairs are often started and exposed online, there’s quick and easy access to pornography, and you know it’ll go down if one partner liked an exes’ post. Technology is a landmine of potential barriers to emotional intimacy.
The Positive Effects of Technology
Technology has made it easier for couples to enhance their communication and stay connected, especially in long distance relationships. Video calls, texting, and social media platforms allow partners to share their daily experiences, thoughts, and emotions in real time, fostering a sense of closeness. Partners can also participate in shared interests and stay bonded over streaming services, online gaming, and social media groups dedicated to specific hobbies or activities. Engaging in shared interests can help couples connect and have meaningful conversations.
Technology has opened up new opportunities for romantic gestures. You can send heartfelt messages, flirty texts/pictures, or use FaceTime for virtual dates if you’re in different locations. When you’re physically apart, maintaining emotional intimacy will be hard no matter what, but there are new ways to keep the romance alive by using tech. You can also learn together by taking an online course, watching YouTube, or looking up recipes and tutorials. In this blog I’m discussing emotional intimacy, but remember there are many other categories of intimacy, and technology can contribute to each of them in a positive way.
The Negative Effects of Technology
The number one complaint I hear from couples is that technology is a huge distraction. Constant connectivity can lead to digital distraction, where partners prioritize their devices over each other. Scrolling through social media during a date night or checking work emails in bed can erode emotional intimacy.
And of course talking to other people or looking at sexy pictures online breeds comparison and insecurity. Social media often leads to feelings of jealousy when partners compare themselves and their relationship to the perfect life all their acquaintances show online. I hear a comment at least once a week that “so and so” are doing this, and “so and so are so in love and always happy and kissing.” I can guarantee this, I’m liking seeing “so and so” tomorrow, because none of us have perfect lives and most of us aren’t portraying our relationships accurately online.
Technology has also greatly lessened couples quality time together. Spending too much time on screens can reduce the amount of quality time couples spend together. Partners talk less and less, especially uninterrupted and without scrolling social media, looking at a text, or needing to make an Amazon purchase with the “buy now” 1 swipe feature. Overuse of technology can lead to privacy concerns as one partner may begin to monitor or scrutinize their partner’s use of technology, especially when they’re always plugged in, which can undermine trust and lead to defensiveness.
Finding Balance
Obviously technology isn’t going anywhere, it’s a permanent part of our lives. The key is to find balance so that you can take advantage of the benefits of technology and limit the cons as much as possible.
First and foremost, couples must set boundaries around using technology, both in how to use it and how much to use it. Establish technology-free zones or times, such as during meals or before bedtime, to ensure undivided attention and quality time together. It’s essential to approach anything around technology with open communication. Discuss your digital habits, concerns, and needs openly with your partner. Address any issues that arise from technology use and find compromises that will work for both of you.
You may also want to prioritize face-to-face interactions when possible. Make an effort to spend quality time together without screens. Engage in activities that promote bonding and connection. Limit comparisons and acknowledge that the online space is a curated version of reality. Instead of comparing yourself and your relationship to others, focus on nurturing your own connection and emotional intimacy. Consider a digital detox occasionally where you can disconnect and unplug from screens and reconnect with each other and the world around you.
Technology is a double edged sword when it comes to building and maintaining emotional intimacy in couples. While you can find ever changing and creative new ways to connect with your partner, it can also negatively impact your relationship if there’s no strategy or mindful approach for using technology. Don’t let the DM’s take you down! Instead, use anything and everything at your disposal (especially couples therapy) when it comes to technology to strengthen your bond and increase your emotional intimacy. It will pay off.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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Contact us to schedule an appointment
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Other Services Offered At Center For Couples Counseling
Our team understands your relationship might be facing different challenges. So our Texas practice offers other therapies to help you face these challenges. Other services include individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!