Fair Fighting in Couples Therapy: Setting the Stage for Conflict Resolution and Repair
I recently experienced an agreement violation by a partner. I told them what I needed to feel safe in the relationship regarding health practices and information sharing. I brought this up early in our connection and whenever the subject would arise, it was clear we had philosophical differences. However, I knew I’d been clear about what I needed, and they never tried to negotiate to behave differently. I wanted to trust they would honor my needs.
They did not. In clinical terms, a couples therapist would call this a rupture. In my body, it felt like my heart and lungs were being squeezed and I was walking around with a weighted blanket on my entire body. After the initial shock, pain, and crying, I did what I usually do when a social contract is broken. I took space and figured out how to try to prevent this same thing happening again. How can I be clearer? Ultimately, I decided to go forward in a repair process with them because our relationship is otherwise solid and I’ve seen their capacity for learning and growth.
So, I set the stage for repair. Ideally, figuring out the best way to approach each other when a relational norm is violated is done when things are going well. In the beginning, I’d told this partner that when I’m upset and an agreement has been broken or a boundary violated, I take time to re-center and I’d reach out to let them know how and when I’ll engage. In this instance, I asked for them to wait for me to reach out, which they respected.
When trust has been dented or broken, honoring these incremental requests is vitally important to repair.
I sent an email letting them know exactly what I needed, including some conflict repair skills I’ll be sharing with you all, and what type of response I desired from each exchange. They respected each request. Of course, if this isn’t your style, there’s no need to be formal. I do recommend writing out for yourself what you need to process and heal and some ideas of what the other person could do to make it right. If you have no idea, that’s okay. We’re here to help.
How to Set the Stage for Conflict Resolution
Figure Out Timing
When things are going well or neutral, check in with each other about preference for when to address an individual issue; whether in advance or immediately in person. Some people will fret and have anxiety if there is notice. Others like to mentally prepare. Conversely, some people might feel blind-sided if brought up immediately in person. Make sure you each understand what the other person needs; especially, the wronged party.
Set an Intention/Goal for the Conversation
How will this conversation be in service of your connection? Often, you’re not going to resolve everything with one conversation. Intentions might be: to fully hear the wronged person’s impact, or to get clarity on one action step to be taken, or to figure out the best logistics for sharing space going forward. *If you are the person who caused harm, it is important you hear the other person first.
Set a Time Limit
Set a time limit for the duration of the conversation as well as check-in points for breaks. For duration, I would recommend a maximum of two hours.
Self-Care
Make sure you’re as sourced as possible by attending to your biological needs. (i.e. rested, fed, have water, etc).
Get the Poison Out!
Vent to a recorder on your phone or a trusted friend who respects confidentiality. More on this in Jennifer Anderson’s blog, which you can read here.
Setting
Choose a comfortable, possibly neutral space. Try to avoid bedrooms and try to ensure you’re both seated at the same level. *If you feel unsafe, choose a public place or ask for a mediator/witness.
The Talking Stick
Possibly have a talking item that can be passed back and forth as needed to reduce interruptions. This can be anything; a stick, stuffed animal, koosh ball, spatula. What it is doesn’t matter. What it represents matters.
Important Tools for Conflict Resolution and Effective Communication
Stick to One Topic
This is so important. When we’re hurt, especially by a trust breach, it tends to cast everything in a light of doubt and can easily bring up old, un-resolved wounds. Try your best to address ONLY the immediate issue. Otherwise, the argument will snowball, create more resentment, put the person in the wrong on the defensive, and will be even less resolved than when you started. Sticking to one topic is the triage needed to sustain being able to address the other things down the road.
Truth Statements:
Stick to short, concrete statements attached to your subjective feelings. “When you… {objective thing that happened or was said that could’ve been observed by a camera], I felt…[one or two subjective feelings.” Using this helps the other person hear you while minimizing the likelihood of it landing as accusatory. Try to avoid “I feel like…” anything that follows that phrase is a judgment or story. If things start to de-rail, take a breath, and respond “Hearing that/when you say…, I feel…”
Take Breaks as Needed
At least a 20-minute break is recommended to calm down. Set a timer and check back in if the other person is ready to resume. If not, set a slightly longer timer. This ensures you’re working as a team and the topic won’t be swept under the rug. Sleep on it, if needed. Just make sure you schedule when you’ll resume the conversation before sleeping.
Reconnect After a Break
If you’ve had a break and are ready to resume talking, take at least a minute to make eye contact, hug if you feel comfortable to do so, and/or give the other person an appreciation for something they’ve done recently or a quality you admire about them.
Engage Empathy
If you wronged the other person, name how you imagine it impacted them in feelings or actions. If you are the wronged party, and it feels accessible, tell the other person why you imagine they did what they did from a place of doing their best. When the other person experiences that you are trying to understand what they said or did from their perspective, accounting for their motivations and your previous experience of them, they usually feel more understood and softer. It’s not as important that your imagining is accurate as the attempt.
Make Concrete Requests
These need to be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely. Instead of “You need to stop drinking,” which might sound insurmountable to the person with a drinking problem, say this: “I need you to research rehab facilities, make a list of your top three choices, call and consult, and share the results with me by Friday at 5pm so we can make a plan.” If the other person needs help with the request, can be specific in asking for what they need, and you have the energy and desire, this collaboration can be great at trust building.
Ideas for Reparations
If one or both of you caused harm, present your partner with ideas for how you can do better. They don’t need to be fully formed or extensive. This effort shows you care about the other person’s impact and making it right.
Seek Outside Help and Resources
Repair is really hard to do alone if trust is shaken and you never learned how from your caretakers. Whether it’s finding a qualified couple’s counselor, finding retreats, books, etc. I highly recommend Rebuilding Trust - Morgan Johnson, Us - Terry Real, and When Sorry Isn’t Enough on apology languages - Gary Chapman.
EXAMPLE:
Truth Statement: “When you didn’t honor my request and what I thought was an agreement, I felt betrayed and unimportant.”
Empathy: “I imagine you didn’t realize the weight of this request and were torn between conflicting values.”
Request: “I want us to clarify and negotiate our agreements, so you are enrolled in honoring them. What are your ideas to make this right?”
Check-in: “How do you feel hearing that?”/ “Hearing that, I feel… [remorseful, guilty, understood, hopeful, etc.]”
Master the Art of Repair in Couples Therapy
Ruptures big and small are inevitable. The quality of repair with someone is what influences whether we are re-wounded or can heal old wounds and grow together. Looking back, I’m incredibly grateful this rupture happened because it surfaced deeply rooted feelings to which they were reacting and clarified how I and we can better communicate going forward.
In going through this repair process with my partner, they’re showing up in ways no one else who has deeply hurt me ever has. My partner has shown genuine remorse, held space for my big feelings, gave grace for my own missed informational timing opportunity, started individual therapy, and honored my requests and boundaries. In doing so, they are not only healing the specific rupture, they are healing wounds of lacking or non-existent repair from childhood and past relationships. I now understand their heart more fully and I feel closer to them than ever.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!