Hey, Jealousy! Couples Therapist Explores the Role of Jealousy
There's a common misconception that people who practice Polyamory, or any type of Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM), don't get jealous. I hear people say, "Oh, I could never do that. I'm too jealous." As if jealousy is a permanent and irresolvable trait, rather than just another emotion.
The truth is, ENM folks experience jealousy just like everyone else. The difference is how we choose to frame, discuss, and face it.
Jealousy gets a bad rap. And catchy pop songs. It's the reason for murders on tv shows. It drives people to madness. If nothing else, it's unpleasant. It's an emotion vilified to the point of needing to be avoided at all costs.
Except, like all emotions, it's inevitable. And, like all emotions, it can be a tool to learn about ourselves. Our emotions exist as indicators of whether we feel a sense of belonging and safety. What's important to us? What do we really not want to lose?
We all have different stories about jealousy. To some it's a form of flattery, just the right amount shows you care. To others, it's annoying and needy. Some people grew up with a jealous caretaker or one who cheated or both. We have a range of capacities for feeling jealous based on life experiences, attachment style, and how we choose to frame it.
What’s at the root? When I referenced an emotion wheel for jealousy, it was listed under anger. So are "insecurity" and "embarrassed." Honestly, I was surprised that all three fell under anger.
On the surface, aspects fit with anger, sure. Jealousy has the power to take us back to our wounded child or past self, who didn't get enough attention, felt inadequate, has been cheated on, or had/has to deal with exes. And those things can definitely piss us off.
And, in my clinical and life experience, all three share something underneath: Fear. A fear of loss, betrayal, or being perceived unfavorably. To me, anger isn't the root of these emotions, but the byproduct; the way that's been modeled to handle these icky feelings. How dare you... Not respond when I reach out? Make me feel unwanted? Keep things from me? Make me look like a fool?
To me, jealousy is about scarcity. What am I feeling insecure about? What am I not loving or accepting about myself? Is the other person being considerate or would they consider my feelings if I shared them? There might be completely valid reasons to doubt and mistrust. All leading to a scarcity of feeling safe and secure in your connection.
What does jealousy feel like? When I do feel it, my shoulders hike toward my ears, my brow furrows, my jaw clenches, I might get a tightness in my stomach, my breath feels caught or shallow. I feel generally tense and nervous. For others, they might feel a physical pain in their heart, confused, or even guilty for feeling that way.
Things that spark jealousy are often minimized, invalidated, or blown into an all-consuming force. Some make requests to not hear or see something, which I think is a healthy and valid boundary. Others feel compelled to control the social media usage and actions of their partner(s) that lead to this burdensome wave of emotion. Often, when they choose this approach, the things they're doing to try to preserve the relationship are the very things that tend to push their partner(s) away.
Our amygdalae, which are the size and shape of an almond, are the emotional centers in our brains. When I imagine an almond making me feel all these big feelings, it's a bit absurd. Sometimes our emotions, in their efforts to protect us, are absurd. They're extreme and can feel overpowering.
Just like we have skills to address anxiety, which can feel distracting and chattering, or anger, which can be inflammatory and pounding, we can develop skills to manage jealousy as it arises. You can learn how. Individual relationship counseling is a great place to explore the feelings of jealousy and practice the skills, while couples therapy offers a place to understand how jealousy plays out relationally and how both you and your partner react and respond to jealous in a cycle with each other.
When you work with me, you'll hear me say "name it to tame it." I believe that applies to any big emotions and especially jealousy. How I see that work is people owning it without blame and by making genuine requests for consideration. It is a vulnerable and brave act to accept this feeling when it comes and ask to be heard and better known by your partner(s).
With me, I can help you own it, reframe, and navigate expressing it in productive ways that are more likely to get your underlying needs met, build trust, and perhaps make your relationship even stronger.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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