The Easiest Way to Get Your Partner to Stop Complaining About You
“Seriously, you’re late again? I can’t stand how unreliable and lazy you are. You’re so selfish! Be more responsible.” - Partner A
“Jeez, I wasn’t that late, you have to understand there was traffic and the day got away from me. It’s not that big of a deal.” - Partner B
Oooofff, when this is how my clients start their couples therapy session, I know it’s going to be a rough one. But, I also experience a wave of gratitude, because I get the opportunity to teach them how to do this conversation very differently.
The more partner B reacts and defends themselves, the more convinced partner A becomes of the exact issues that’s being brought up. Yes, in fact you (partner B) are unreliable and irresponsible. You were late, and by continuing to act defensively and not fess up to it, you’re proving your partner's belief that they cannot depend on you to be an adult.
The infamous couples therapy researchers John and Julie Gottman call this the negative perspective - the inability to overlook characterological flaws and acknowledge situational factors at times when the relationship is on rocky ground. Couples therapy extraordinaire Terry Real refers to this dynamic as “you and me consciousness” fueled by a core negative image. Each partner has a negative core image of the other, and once they voice this core negative image out loud it triggers our own reaction to the way we see ourselves.
No matter the label or model we use, I call it a shitty fight waiting to happen.
For example, if my partner believes I am controlling and deep down I know there’s some truth to that, I will sink into my 8 year old self who feels chaotic and out of control and immediately begin to assert control over my partner’s belief that I am controlling. I will justify why I behave the way I do, tell myself it is the only coping skill available to me, and reassert myself by behaving like an entitled martyr. Partners pull at each other to reduce the anxiety for themselves, but all it does is heighten the belief our partner already had about us. My attempt to prove I’m not controlling has only proven that I am.
So how do I get my partner to stop complaining about me?
In the example above, Partner A sees partner B as irresponsible and unreliable, but partner B sees partner A as a ruthless complainer. The more partner A complains, the more irresponsible partner B becomes - the more irresponsible partner B is, the more partner A complains. It’s a never ending duel of the childish parts of ourselves, and it feels like it is impossible to stop. But it’s not, it’s actually really simple.
Simple doesn’t mean easy, it means simple. You must stop fighting it, and lean into it.
You will never escape this inevitable mess if you continue to contest your partner’s core negative image of you, you have to learn to lean into it instead. For my stubborn heel diggers, I understand how hard this sounds…I can get stuck in my righteous indignation as well from time to time. But your way is not working, and I will stubbornly stand in my position that you will never convince your partner you aren’t what they perceive you to be until you start doing something different.
The easiest way to get your partner to stop complaining about you is to yield.
By saying “yes, I was late and that was irresponsible, which I can be at times,” you can disarm your partner quickly and no longer reinforce their core negative belief. Because irresponsible people don’t take accountability or acknowledge their shortcomings, and responsible trustworthy people who are human and make mistakes do. Which one are you? Which one do you want to be?
Yielding does not mean holding back your own thoughts and agreeing 100% with your partner (which is where I see a lot of resistance to this concept-which may be proving that you are in fact the thing your partner believes you to be, just saying…). Yielding means you acknowledge the part of what your partner perceives that is actually true, you take accountability for that, you make a plan for how to navigate this better as a team moving forward, and you let the details go.
Whether you were 5 minutes late or 23 minutes late, the severity and impact of the lateness is the same. Accept that this difference is irrelevant, and tend to the part of your partner that is feeling pain. Partner A in the example above is really scared; they are scared that you will never grow up, that you will not be a reliable partner and family member, and that they will have to carry the burden of being the responsible one in the family forever with no break or respite. Partner A desperately needs Partner B to see this fear, and find productive ways to work on this together. One day, being 5 minutes late won’t be a big deal, but until this conversation happens differently it will always be interpreted as the beginning of the end for Partner A.
Yield for your partner, yield so you can show up for them, yield for yourself so you can stop being so exhausted from the same fights over and over again, yield so you can both win. Yield, because it’s the easiest way to get your partner to stop complaining about you.