Initiating Intimacy: Get Un-Stuck from the Rejection/Guilt Cycle
Do you get stuck in cycles of second-guessing, feeling rejected and resentful, and/or guilty for continuing to ask or continuing to say no to intimacy? Do you try different tactics that all end in the same result? Do you internalize a no to sex as a lack of desire for you? Do you characterize your partner as a single-minded sex fiend if they mention sex often?
A lot of times my clients make up stories about why the other person is a no. We know sex is an extension of touch and a valid love language. What we often don’t know is why we value sex with each other and what tends to block us or open us up for it.
There are so many reasons for lack of initiation:
Genuine exhaustion: You’ve been working a lot, coordinating activities and rides for the kids, doing homecare, struggling with chronic pain… You’re stressed, burnt out, and the fire for intimacy feels like a damp coal. I get it. When this is happening, for many people sex feels daunting rather than delighting. The concept of brakes and accelerators is important here. Our libidos either rise or fall due to stress. This is where supporting each other’s self-care, exercise, or rest is so important.
If you’re the partner with more energy or desire for sex, DO things for and with your partner to stoke their flame: Draw a bath, cuddle in a blanket, have substantive conversation, put the laundry in the dryer, offer to help with their checklist. These gestures show you’re considerate of their resources and willing to contribute to them sharing themselves with you.
Fear of rejection: You asked for sex, in whatever clumsy or super suave way you do and they said no AGAIN. It’s a bummer. I get it. When someone is a no to a certain activity with you, they’re not a no to you. Say that out loud as many times as you need to hear it. If they are a no to sex, that means they are a yes to something else. You can shake up the default pattern of what they typically do instead. Maybe they never learned to counter-offer.
Lead with an open ended: “I’d love to be close with you. How would you like to receive touch?”
Slippery slope mentality: Many people don’t even hold hands because they believe it will escalate past their preferred stopping point. Guess what…You can totally talk about the limit of touch or activity before you start. If this is accepted with grace, it builds so much trust and, often, gradually, desire for more. If your partner is sensitive to rejection, use affirmative language.
Rather than “I don’t want to have sex tonight,” say: “I’d love to stay in a zone of making out with our clothes on, I’d love to use only our mouths tonight, I’d find it so hot if you massaged my thighs and let me guide your hands other places when I’m ready.” Rather than leading with limits, lead with exploration and clarity so both people can feel empowered.
Misreading cues: Do you try to use euphemisms when initiating? Do you make a certain expression or hand placement on your partner’s body? Is there a certain window of time you tend to be open to intimacy? That might be super obvious to you and not at all to them. Clear is kind. Nonverbals can be great, particularly once you’ve established shared meaning.
Describe the intent and function of the look, waggle, touch, playful word… Then, rely on reading. You might need to remind your partner what the cues mean. This isn’t because they don’t care, it’s because everyone’s minds store prompts differently.
Be kind, remind.
Self-blame, criticism, or guilt for not providing in your role: This one is all too common and has deep roots. When we can tell we’re not meeting our partner’s expectations and desires and we tell ourselves we should want sex, we should provide certain satisfaction or release for them, it’s easy to put a lot of pressure on ourselves.
The more pressure we put on ourselves to less turned on we feel.
Examine what and from whom we learned our sexual role in a relationship. Does a comment your grandma made about men when you were nine echo in your head? Are we assuming our partner’s expectations based on our own or what we’ve learned from family, friends, media…?
Body image issues: Do you look in the mirror and think “Wow, what a minx?!” Or do you look in the mirror and think, “Wow. I look frumpy today…I’ve gotten fat…who would want this?” If your body has changed due to having children, hormones, age, any reason bodies fluctuate and you’ve internalized societal standards for health and beauty, it’s natural to struggle with not feeling desirable. When we don’t feel desirable that often squashes our own desire as a self-protective stance. Let’s work on that self-talk.
How can we heal rejecting ourselves, so we’re more open to the desires of others?
Performance anxiety: Do you hear stories from friends, see scenes in movies or porn and think: “This is how I need to sex. I need to be a hard stud or a bouncy bunny.” But, I’m not always hard when I want to be. I’m not always feeling so bouncy. I can’t always give it 100%. Guess what, that makes you human. Our bodies and energy levels don’t always cooperate with our own desires and can be quite mismatched from our partners.
The idea that we need to match their energy, fulfill their fantasies… every time or why bother, can be a real mood killer.
Sexual Identity: Everyone has a different capacity for touch and connection. Some people genuinely don’t desire or prioritize sex very often, if at all. This is a valid identity call Asexuality. If you’re partners with someone who this is true for, and especially if this became clear throughout the relationship, that mismatch can be really frustrating for the partner who has a higher craving for touch and sex.
This is where talking about how to build an intentional relationship and recognizing it’s not about you or your worth or desirability is so important.
Mental & Physical Health: Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, chronic pain, recurring infections… Sex is in our brains more so than our bodies. If our brains are frazzled, depleted, distracted, or if our body can’t cash the checks our brains want to write, this is frustrating for both people.
Try to separate capacity from care and talk about how to address it as a team.
Okay, so we know what some of the blocks are, now what do we do about it?
Talk it out. Identify in which of the areas you or your partner are getting stuck and discuss where it comes from. Explore new ways of approaching it.
Treat everything as an experiment.
If it gives you peace of mind to have structure, agree to try something new for a specific period of time, then give feedback throughout or at the end of that designated time. We’ll be talking about the value of giving feedback next week.
If you don’t know where to start and need guidance identifying and discussing these things with your partner, we’re here to help you get back in the flow of connection.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!