Tools for Feedback in the Bedroom: Feeling Safe Enough to Be Brave
How do you feel about giving sexual feedback to your partner? Maybe you want to, and you don’t know how to get more of what you want without the relational fallout. In my previous article, I discussed common obstacles to giving feedback. One of those was ignorance: Some people don’t self-pleasure enough to know what feels good for them. If they do, many don’t know how to describe to their partner(s) what they enjoy. If you are someone who self-pleasures, pay attention to what spots, pace, position, and rhythms feel good for you. Write it down. Say things out loud while you’re doing it. Find ways to describe it to your sexual partner.
What if you’re not into describing with words?
Another wonderful way for your partner to learn what you like is by watching you. Witnessed or mutual masturbation can be really sexy! If you’re self-conscious, try wearing a blindfold. The important thing is they watch and learn what you like and vice versa for them. I’ve learned a lot about where and how each of my partners likes to be touched by watching them touch themselves.
Let’s talk about pace for a moment.
I can’t enumerate the women who have lamented to me about asking their (usually male) partner to slow down. Their partner tries and succeeds for a few seconds, then goes back to the previous pace. What do you do with that? Ask again? And again? It starts to feel on the edge of assertive, aggressive, or heaven-forbid, selfish. So, they stop asking. Which leads to swallowed discomfort and/or faked pleasure, instilling in their partner a false sense of attunement. This is a disservice to both of you in the long-run.
So, how do we ask for changes in ways that will break through their defaults?
Tools to communicate changes in the moment:
Scaling: This is an excellent calibration system. Use a number system of 0-10 for things like pace and pressure. Instead of “slower” for the umpteenth time, try saying “Right now, you’re at an 8. I’d like you at a 4.” Then, the person knows to go half the pace.
Color-code: You can keep it simple by using a system deeply ingrained in us since childhood. Green, yellow, and red. Here, yellow would be the most nuanced. You’ll want to mutually agree on what yellow indicates.
Is it a pause of physical activity?
Taking a bio break?
A verbal check-in?
Keep doing everything except that one thing you just did?
Red means stop. For most, this means stopping all together. If you or your partner hits red, remember they might have had a really big physical or emotional experience that felt activating. This does not mean you’re an unsafe person. Especially for those with Complex PTSD, it means something brushed against an experience from their past that felt unsafe for them in the moment. They might not be able to verbally explain what happened right away. Remember, the amygdala (responsible for regulating our feelings and our instincts) is on overdrive and the pre-frontal cortex (the part of our brain that reasons and explains with language) has taken a back seat. It takes at least 15 minutes for the prefrontal to come back online.
Discuss desired co-regulation before trying anything that new or edgy for either of you. This might look like: staying nearby, touching them in ways that are generally soothing, getting them water, maybe changing the lighting, getting them a stuffed animal, pet, weighted blanket, etc. Let them know you’re here when/if they’re ready to share what happened for them.
If your partner is bringing you a lot of pleasure, imagine breathily saying “Green! So green!” Pretty hot, right?
3. Safe word: This is a quick verbal tool that can be used in and out of the bedroom. It’s up to you if you want it to be the same or different for sexy time and pausing conflict. Choose a simple word that indicates exactly what you need in the moment. This could be to stop, to receive water, to curl up and receive pets… The value is being able to communicate a lot of context quickly and easily.
4. Would You…?: This is one of my favorite practices in general, especially in a spicy context! There is a special magic in setting timers and having designated roles. Set a timer for as long as feels good. I usually choose 10 minutes. You can start low as you build confidence and can always add more if desired. This is an experience of making requests for exactly what you want from your partner and them doing it, with openness to adjustments. This could be to tell you a story, to massage your shoulders, to kiss you a certain way, etc. Then, switch roles and the other person gets to ask.
When we gamify these explorations, it can free us to think more creatively. Right now, this is all about your pleasure. They’ll have a turn, too.
5. Nonverbal taps/pats, etc: For those times when our mouths are occupied, having nonverbal cues can be very handy. I couldn’t help the pun. Though, it could be a blink, a thigh squeeze, a tap, etc. I enjoy smoothing transitions, changing positions, or going faster with a certain number of pats.
These tools are an excellent way to build trust by practicing consent and honoring agreements.
Tools for feedback before or after:
Feedback is not criticism, it’s intimacy. Remember, “pleasure is the measure.” When someone gives you feedback, it’s an opportunity to know what feels good for them in this moment. It’s a gift to facilitate pleasure with them. It’s a constant dance of giving and receiving.
When giving feedback, avoid absolutes and use affirmative language. Rather than “You never go down on me anymore!” Try, “I love the way your face feels between my thighs.” Share things in a wistful, sultry, eyebrow waggle tone and see what happens.
Something I cherish is going over highlights after sex. It’s an instant replay that keeps the fires stoked for next time during the basking period. “I really liked when you…, That thing you tried with… felt really good.” Especially if I, maybe unexpectedly, leaned into a new power dynamic, type of dirty talk, or activity.
Openness to change and being encouraging and receptive to feedback will help you enjoy each other more in the moment, create fertile soil for exploration, and establish a safe environment to share about your changing bodies and preferences over the years.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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