Calling, Not Cash Cow: And Other Couples Therapy Myths Worth Bustin'
Have you had a couple's therapy experience that left a bad taste in your mouth? Did it actually move you toward your goals, or just move the clock? Did you wish your therapist had been blunter with you? Did you ever quietly wonder what their real motivation was?
A while back, Erika (the owner of Center for Couples Counseling) sent me an article as a blog prompt. It was written by a woman, post-divorce, who was still smarting from her couples therapy experience.
Her argument, in short: their therapist let them spin their wheels instead of just telling them to divorce sooner, because dragging it out was better for business.
Reading that as a working couple's therapist was a whole experience. Intrigued, then confused, then genuinely vexed, then, admittedly, a little amused. So let's do this MythBusters-style and set the record straight on what couple's therapists actually do.
Myths for Bustin'
1. We keep clients on our caseload (even if they're not improving) to make money.
Wow, is that plain wrong. Unfortunately for society, there is no shortage of wounded people out there trying to learn how to relate better, so business is not the problem. Our job is to build as safe a space as we can so people can actually learn the tools. I tell every potential client this at intake:
"This is your journey. If at any point you feel I'm not the right fit, tell me, and I'll refer you to someone I think fits better. There's no set number of sessions. The pace is yours; it depends on your availability, your finances, and, most of all, the work you do between sessions."
Growth isn't linear, and neither is progress. The thing you expected to improve first might stall, or move at a totally different pace than you planned for, while something you weren't even watching quietly gets better. Even when a client walks in without a clear direction, if they're still getting something real out of the work, it's our job to hold that space, check in on the goals, and gently push where it counts.
2. It is a therapist's role to tell you what to do (i.e. end a relationship, quit your job, etc.).
Nope. We're not your mom or your God. Our job is to help you find your own internal wisdom and locus of control, not to become the external one you outsource it to. If a client wants an accountability partner for their homework, sure, I'll play that role. I'll also likely self-disclose how I've navigated similar relationship dynamics myself.
What I won't do is hand you a directive on a major life decision. My job is to offer reflection, insight, and enough support that you can make the call yourself. Here's why: say I tell you flat out, "leave so-and-so," and you don't. Now, in your head, you've disappointed me. You show up to the next session awkward, obligated, maybe even ashamed. And suddenly the session isn't about your relationship anymore, it's about the responsibility you feel toward me instead of the responsibility you owe yourself. That's transference, a well-documented therapeutic phenomenon, and probably exactly what the woman behind that article was living through.
Now, if you actually want someone else to make the call for you, that's a real modality named: Discernment Counseling. Four sessions, and the counselor weighs the facts on the table, initial impressions, and makes a judgment call. “I hereby announce you two separated…or not.” For some people, that's a relief. It’s not my cuppa. Why? Because I keep uncovering insights that shift my clients' path months, sometimes years, into the work. We are more than what four sessions can capture. At our practice, those first four sessions build the working model for what comes next, they're not a verdict on whether the relationship deserves to survive.
3. Individual therapy will help your relationship issues (without relational therapy).
This one's nuanced. Individual therapy absolutely can surface insight into your own patterns, your FOOBS, your tools for self-advocacy. The catch is how well-versed your individual therapist actually is in systems theory. Are they asking about the other person's behaviors and perspectives? Their childhood wounds? Their neurotype? Or is it all you, all the time?
We live in an individualistic culture that's quick to cut people off and quick to preach "Let Them," the conflict-avoidant's unofficial manifesto. Yet, most people who land in individual therapy are there to process relationship wounds, whether that's family, colleagues, friends, roommates, lovers, spouses, or kids. And wounds made inside relationship tend to heal the same way: inside relationship.
People also have blind spots, and everyone is the hero of their own story. In plenty of individual sessions I run after an initial couples intake, I hear a version of events that's WAY off from what I've clinically assessed, or from what their partner's own words and face have already told me. Without the other person in the room to react in real time, it's slower and harder to build lasting change for that relationship. The default fix individual therapists reach for is often "leave, learn some tools, hope the next one's better," and sometimes that really is the right call. Just not nearly as often as the field likes to assume. More often, it quietly stalls the actual healing. The real gift of couples therapy is learning repair, and repair skills travel with you into every relationship you'll ever have.
That said, some wounds genuinely aren't ready to be shared with a partner yet, and processing them would eat into relationship time that's better spent elsewhere. So individual therapy is often a great complement to couples work, especially with consent to consult between therapists, and especially when both therapists are under the same roof. That's when you get a full team working from the same clinical playbook, each person adding a different piece of the puzzle toward your actual relational goals.
4. A therapist would withhold what they really think the viability of repair is from their clients.
Sure, maybe somewhere, with the wrong therapist, that happens. Every good therapist I know lives for a come-to-Jesus session. We literally call it that. Sometimes you have to cut through the noise and say the true thing out loud. We name the incongruencies, the level of effort actually being shown, and remind clients exactly why they started this in the first place. What you do with that is up to you.
We have zero interest in spinning our wheels any more than you do. What we want is a client who's actually doing the work, showing real progress, repairing real wounds… That's the good stuff, honestly. We're healers. We're not in the business of watching someone limp around on a broken ankle just to re-injure it for fun or for a paycheck.
5. If couples therapy doesn't work out, the working relationship with the therapist is over.
Sometimes, after all the work someone was willing and able to do, they land on the same conclusion: this connection needs to change, dramatically. Break-up, divorce, whatever that looks like. We can support that transition too, through conscious uncoupling sessions. And here's the part people miss: choosing to end the relational work doesn't automatically mean ending your relationship with the therapist.
Depending on where things were in the process, it's actually pretty common for us to "inherit" one half of the couple as an ongoing individual client. Once we confirm couples work is wrapping up, we're upfront that either person is welcome to continue solo. We usually already know who's likely to stay. It's rare for both to fight over who keeps the therapist, though I genuinely don't know how that would even get settled. Thumb war? Coin flip?
What we're clear about: once one person chooses individual work, we can't flip back to couples work later, we'd have to refer out instead. No backsies. That's how we protect the non-biased stance we owe both people.
On a related note, you may have heard of the idea where your partner just pops into your individual session. That's a judgment call for the individual therapist, and it can work in the right case. Our Center doesn't do it. The risk is that the individual therapist almost certainly carries some bias toward whoever they've already been treating, since it's literally their job to help that person hit their goals. Once the scope shifts, those goals blur. They may not even have real couples training. Even in the best-case scenario where both people started at the same time, one partner might walk away convinced the therapist favors the other based on gender, ethnicity, or a dozen other factors, a suspicion that only grows the longer that individual relationship runs. While in certain contexts, couple’s therapists do take sides, we’re on the side of the relationship goals. We try to foster a sense of teamwork and openness to feedback with us.
We're people too. Not every therapist will be your right fit, and not every therapist will tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. We do this to earn a living and build a fulfilling life. You are our calling, not our cash cow. Integrity and honesty are the North Stars of this practice, full stop.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!