Do I Need Couples Therapy or Individual Therapy?
After engaging in endless fights with your partner, dealing with fear and anxiety, noticing those pesky insecurities coming to the surface, and having trouble at work, you’re at the end of your rope-and your partner is too. You’re to the point of frustration where you recognize something needs to change and you can’t sit in your current situation any longer. You’ve decided that therapy is the next step in getting the help you need, and now that you’ve started the search you’re more confused than ever. Do you need individual relationship therapy or couples therapy? As most answers go in the field of psychology and therapy in general…it depends.
Are you having trouble in your marriage/relationship?
If the answer is no, or the trouble only surrounds your own symptoms of anxiety, depression, or addiction (or something else affecting you primarily), then individual therapy is likely the way to go. Individual therapy is really meant to address things that are specific to one person, and is more focused on specific symptomatology-like anxiety attacks, grief reactions, trauma responses, depression symptoms, or intrusive thoughts. Individual therapy is highly effective in these scenarios, and it’s always helpful to have someone who can listen, be supportive, and provide healing corrective experiences. However (and this is a big fancy BUT), engaging in individual therapy when there is a relationship problem present or you spend the majority of your sessions talking about your relationship can cause irreparable damage.
Why is individual therapy a bad idea if my marriage is in trouble?
Research shows that clients who engage in individual therapy for a couples therapy related issue will divorce or leave their partner at a significantly higher rate than those who engage in couples therapy. This is for a variety of factors, but what I typically see/hear about happening is the partner attends individual therapy, gets their emotions validated, and becomes empowered as an individual instead of in the context of a system (in this case the relationship). No one adequately addresses the client’s own responsibility in the problems because the therapist can’t observe the dynamic firsthand, and the partner gets empowered right out of their relationship-there’s no one on the side of the relationship in this situation. Without someone rooting for the healing of both partners together or finding ways to end the relationship in a healthy way, there’s not much hope it will go in a good direction.
The other problem with working on a relationship problem individually is that the other partner doesn’t know what’s being discussed or the tools that are shared, which sets up false expectations and inevitable failure. If I’m going to therapy and start using the tools my therapist gives me, but my husband is blissfully unaware of what I’m doing and he doesn’t respond the way I want him to, I’d likely get bitter and hold it against him or have the belief that therapy just doesn’t work. But this is wildly unfair to both partners involved. When there’s too much space between our expectations and reality, and one person is totally blind in the situation, it’s a recipe for disaster and resentment.
It’s also assuredly a reflection of the unhealthy dynamic present in the relationship anyway, that will be exacerbated by the new pattern. Likely the partner going to therapy is an overfunctioner, wants to fix everything, takes on the responsibility for making things better, pushes the other partner away or refuses help-and the non-therapy partner is oblivious, doesn’t understand how to meet their partner’s needs, underfunctions, is not attuned, or feels pushed out. This dynamic being reinforced in a new and different way by a professional will doom the relationship.
What if I want to end the relationship?
If you’re looking to end the relationship, and you’ve already made that decision, you can choose either individual or couples therapy-although I’d still recommend couples therapy. There's grief involved in ending a relationship, and you can get the support you need from individual therapy, but couples therapy can help you both heal and move forward in a constructive way that is respectful and meaningful. You can also work on uncoupling and come up with a plan for co-parenting (if that is part of the situation).
What if my partner refuses to go to couples therapy?
If you’ve begged your partner to go to therapy with you and they still refuse, you’ll need to process how you feel about that with a professional. You’ll also have some big decisions to make about what that means for you, and how you want to move forward. But don’t just pick any individual therapist for this big task, it’s too important. Remember, most individual therapists are trained to deal with very specific symptom-related disorders, not relationship issues.
I would recommend if you plan to attend individual therapy for anything relationship oriented at all, you do so with someone specifically trained to work with relationship dynamics and systems, such as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist or therapists who prefer a systems oriented approach. These professionals understand interpersonal relationships at a different level than most classically trained individual therapists, and take into account far more intricacies and considerations when helping clients sort through relationship problems. They won’t take a narrow approach or empower you out of your relationship, they’re able to take a balanced look and help you more clearly see your part in the dynamic.
While I personally love working with both couples and individuals in therapy, I used to hold a bias that problems could be processed and worked through using either modality. I truly believe individual therapy helps so much (especially if working with an LMFT who again looks at the bigger picture of your life when doing therapy with you), but getting real help with your relationship requires having someone sit inside your dynamic, tell you the truth about what’s happening, and has the knowledge to help you heal together, in step as a couple. Infamous couples therapist and inspiration to me, Terry Real, has changed my mind in that relationship problems strictly need to be dealt with relationally, giving partners a chance to navigate their challenges together. After all, what are you talking about in individual therapy? If it’s only your relationship, do it in couples therapy instead.