FOOBs: The Family of Origin Bullsh*t You Didn’t Sign Up For (But Are Still Living With)
Have you ever caught yourself mid-argument with your partner and thought, “Why am I reacting like this? What the hell is even happening right now? How did we get here?!”... yeah, we see you.
If you’ve ever gone completely numb, shut down, or spiraled into rage because your partner left dishes in the sink, we see you too…
Because chances are, what you’re fighting about isn’t just what’s happening now. It’s old. It’s deep. It’s inherited. Congratulations, you’ve probably met a FOOB.
In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), FOOB stands for Family of Origin-Based Behaviors (or Beliefs- both apply). But let’s be real: most of us just call it what it feels like, Family of Origin Bullshit. And it is bullshit. Not because it didn’t serve you once, it is often something that was really pretty useful at some point, but now, it’s wrecking your emotional life and relationship patterns…without your permission.
This is where the ghosts of our upbringing live rent-free in our adult relationships.
What Are FOOBs (Really)?
FOOBs are the emotional reflexes and deeply wired beliefs you inherited from your early environment. They were formed in childhood, usually before you even had words for what was happening, and they stick around until you do the work of naming and updating them.
They show up like this:
You shut down emotionally when someone raises their voice.
You assume your needs are a burden, so you don’t speak up.
You feel instantly panicked when someone says “we need to talk.”
You try to control every little detail because uncertainty = danger.
Those aren’t just quirks. They’re FOOBs. Not cute. Not fun. And they’re not random, they're patterned. They came from somewhere.
Why You Have FOOBs in the First Place
FOOBs were your early survival strategies. You picked them up from your family system, either because you were directly taught (explicitly or through example), or because you were doing your best to stay emotionally safe in a chaotic, neglectful, overbearing, or confusing home.
Maybe you learned:
Don’t show emotion, or you’ll get shamed.
Be perfect, or you’ll be punished.
Take care of everyone else, or they’ll fall apart.
Keep your guard up - no one is really safe.
You didn’t choose those beliefs. But now they’re choosing for you…how you show up, how you react, how you connect (or don’t), how you love, and how you self-protect.
The RLT Perspective: FOOBs Are Driving the Bus (Until You Notice)
In RLT, Terry Real teaches that you don’t just bring your adult self to your relationship, you also bring your Adaptive Child. That’s the version of you who formed your FOOBs. They learned how to keep you safe, how to shut down, how to perform, how to avoid being too much or not enough.
Your Adaptive Child is clever. They helped you survive. Very sharp kid.
But now? They’re in your relationship calling the shots…and they're like, seven years old and just super pissed off.
When your Adaptive Child is running the show:
You argue like your partner is your parent.
You retreat like your childhood bedroom is still down the hall.
You lash out or implode because your nervous system is convinced you're back in that same old family dynamic.
RLT helps you step into your Wise Adult. The one who can pause, reflect, and choose how to respond, not just react.
Yes, you can totally learn how to do that!
Common FOOBs in Action
The FOOB (Belief) and How It Shows in Your Relationship now:
”I can’t trust anyone to really be there for me” and now, you assume abandonment before it happens
”If I speak up, I’ll be punished or shamed” and now, you stay silent until you explode
”I have to earn love by being perfect or useful” and now, you avoid hard conversations at all costs
“I’m responsible for everyone else’s emotions” and now, you over function, fix, or micromanage your partner
These beliefs often go completely unspoken, but they are loud as hell in your behaviors, your tone, your body language, and your emotional triggers.
Healing Starts With Calling It What It Is
This is the moment RLT therapy leans into: when you realize, “Oh, this isn’t actually about my partner leaving dishes in the sink. This is about what I made that mean. This is about my belief that no one ever considers me.”
That awareness? That’s gold. A+. Stars across the board!
Because now, you can shift from:
Unconscious reaction -> Conscious response
Shame spiral -> Self-awareness
Adaptive Child -> Wise Adult
And that’s the sweet spot for relational growth.
So What Do You Do With All This Family of Origin Bullsh*t?
You don’t shame it, you study it. You name it, out loud. With yourself, a trusted friend, a therapist, your partner. You say, “Hey, I just realized I’m not reacting to you right now, I’m reacting to something from way back. I’m working on that.”
You start practicing new relational moves that feel awkward at first but safe over time.
You get curious instead of critical. You stop defending yourself and start owning your part, without losing your self-worth in the process.
You choose relationality over reactivity. That’s RLT in motion. That real life shit.
Final Thoughts: FOOBs Aren’t Chosen. Growth Is.
Most people drag their FOOBs into their relationships and call it compatibility or incompatibility.
RLT teaches us to interrupt the inheritance to say, “This may have been my story, but it doesn’t have to be my future.”
So no, you’re not broken. You’re just carrying around a set of beliefs and behaviors that were designed to keep you safe in a completely different chapter of your life.
The good news? You get to rewrite the script. You get to put your Wise Adult behind the wheel. You get to build a relationship based on mutual respect, truth, and fierce intimacy, not fear.
So next time you feel yourself spiraling, shutting down, or popping off over something small, pause and ask: Is this a FOOB? Because if it is, you get to choose: keep the pattern, or change the legacy. We all get a choice.
My name is Jaimi Douthit and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples and individuals who are ready and motivated to make changes in their lives and relationships, who can handle feedback and encouragement, and engage in using the tools I teach in therapy outside of the therapy room. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
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