The Human in the Chair: When Your Therapist Shows Up as a Real Person
My hands trembled, my pulse raced, I felt a buzzing in my diaphragm. I’d just done an edgy demo with a couple who I’d been working with for a little over a year. Did I trust our rapport enough to do it? Yes. And still my body flagged the risk. It was a demonstration of something I knew he wanted to hear from her. Something he’d directly told me his inner child needs. I had him enact with me his helper part from a recent interaction that happened between them. And I responded with what I knew clinically and suspected personally he wanted to hear.
She laughed. Hard. They both laughed. He grinned from ear to ear and seemed relieved. We explored what it was like for both of them. He said “Yes, that, please!” She enjoyed it and said that phrasing is WAY outside of her comfort zone.
I told her I wanted to show her the cliff edge and wouldn’t push her toward it.
To her, right now, it feels like a cliff edge. For him, it’s a bridge.
We discussed what her version of it would look like. Hers was soft, padding, bracing for his impact. She’s internalized editing and careful presentation as the best way to show care. He craves blunt clarity and bristles when her words don’t match her energy. Slowly, I’m helping them drop their defenses and pretenses to be more vulnerable and rawer with each other.
Every session I model that myself. I told them what happened in my body, emotions, and considerations as I role-played the demo. I related to her caution with my own stories of being burned and cut-off due to mistakes. My Relational Perfectionism kicks into high gear and I have to relentlessly remind myself that I don’t have to facilitate everyone’s enjoyment. I don’t have to constantly curate perfect consent. I can make mistakes. I tell my clients about my mistakes. Not to make the session “about me,” but to join them in it. To offer them the same level of vulnerability I hope for.
In graduate school they advised to avoid self-disclosure until practicing for ten years! Thankfully, I got into this work through a practice called Authentic Relating. I was a lead facilitator of the Authentic Houston community for over a decade. In that space, we show up as our full, vulnerable selves, share our experiences and stories, and explore what it’s like to be human without cross-talk, interruptions, demeaning, or debate. That’s what feels natural to me. So, when Erika, the owner of Center for Couples Counseling, told me her philosophy of “just be a human with your clients” I breathed a sigh of relief and knew I’d found the right place to grow in my craft.
I tell clients during our intake session about my style of relevant self-disclosures. I typically make the joke of “Now, I’m not going to come in here and say OMG guess what I did this weekend! I will share personal stories, with consent, related to your experiences.”
Feedback I hear too often from clients about working with previous therapists is that it was a lot of them talking with little relational feedback or even practical tools.
I don’t want to talk about talking. I want to relate to my clients and offer them practical tools and insights that move them toward their goals.
Still, I check in about sharing personal anecdotes. Still, I get topical consent. Still, I ask after sharing what it was like to hear. Was it helpful? I often receive a resounding yes and a lot of gratitude. In all my years of working with clients, I had one person say they discontinued due to my personal share. Clinically, this was possibly because it hit too close to home and they weren’t ready to go there.
Maybe they just didn’t like my style and that’s okay, too!
Why do I do it anyway? Because people learn through stories. And if I can share my stories in ways that help my clients feel seen, understood, not alone, and offer validating or sometimes different perspective, then I have done my job. I am practicing what I request every time someone is brave enough to share their struggles and triumphs with me.
All clients and cultures prefer different styles. I’m not saying my way of disclosing is the right and only way. I’m saying that through sharing pieces of myself, of my humanity, I create power with my clients that deepens trust. I take myself out of the expert seat and put myself with them in the labor. I’m the person who happens to have the relational toolbox. So, give us feedback. Make requests. We want to meet you where you’re at.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
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Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!