Presence vs. Presents: And Why They’re Completely Different Things
Every holiday season, couples sit across from me on the couch in my office and tell me about the fight that “came out of nowhere.” It’s usually about a gift that missed the mark, or a reaction that didn’t feel appreciative enough, or the familiar complaint of “I did all this and they still seem unhappy.”
But the truth, the thing we eventually get to once the defensiveness settles, is that it was never really about the beautifully wrapped present. Imagine that!
It was about BEING present. Literally just intentionally being present. Actively listening. Actively caring that you are there with your partner sharing an experience.
We live in a culture that is deeply invested in how things look, especially during the holidays. The perfectly lit tree. The matching pajamas. The smiling couple in front of the fireplace, radiating effortless love and seasonal joy. Instagram makes it seem like everyone else has figured out how to be romantic, connected, and blissfully in love by December 1st… with a professionally lit photo to prove it.
And so we try to keep up. We perform happiness. We aim for the photo. We power through exhaustion because the moment is supposed to be special. Meanwhile, we’re quietly disconnected, snapping at each other over wrapping paper or side-eyeing our partner for not magically intuiting what we need.
Presence doesn’t photograph well.
It doesn’t come with a bow. It doesn’t sparkle. And you can’t outsource it to Amazon.
Presence is sitting on the couch after a long day and actually listening instead of scrolling. It’s noticing that your partner seems off and asking about it…even when you’re afraid the answer might lead to a real and uncomfortable conversation. It’s choosing to be emotionally available instead of emotionally efficient.
And that’s harder during the holidays, because everything is louder. The stress, the expectations, the family dynamics, the pressure to make it meaningful. Couples slip into task mode: who’s buying gifts, who’s cooking, who’s managing the calendar.
You become coworkers running a seasonal project instead of partners sharing a life.
The problem is, intimacy doesn’t live in productivity.
It lives in moments where you slow down enough to actually see each other.
I often tell couples that gifts are lovely, but they don’t repair moments of disconnection. No amount of thoughtfulness can substitute for feeling emotionally alone next to someone who’s physically present. And while it’s tempting to believe that if you just do more…spend more, plan more, try harder… that it will fix the distance. What most partners are craving is much simpler and much more vulnerable.
They want to know you’re with them. That they are special to you. A priority.
This doesn’t mean you have to create some grand, cinematic holiday experience. It means being honest instead of performative. Saying, “I miss you,” instead of silently resenting. Turning toward each other in small, unremarkable moments. Letting the tree be imperfect. Letting the relationship be real. Letting the expectations of perfection fade into something more real and sustainable.
Because long after the decorations come down, what lingers isn’t the photo you posted or the gift you exchanged. It’s whether you felt connected or whether you felt alone while pretending everything was fine.
So if you’re feeling off this season, consider this your gentle but direct invitation to stop chasing the picture and start choosing presence.
It won’t look perfect. But it will feel real.
My name is Jaimi Douthit and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples and individuals who are ready and motivated to make changes in their lives and relationships, who can handle feedback and encouragement, and engage in using the tools I teach in therapy outside of the therapy room. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
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