Stop Fighting Dirty: The Gottman-Backed Way to Start a Hard Conversation
We’ve all been there. You're folding laundry or stirring pasta, and suddenly…BAM!…you remember that one thing your partner said earlier that’s been sitting like a rock in your gut all day.
And before you even realize it, out it comes:
“BY THE WAY-WHAT THE HELL DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID YOU’RE ‘NOT SURE ABOUT THIS SUMMER’?”
Now they’re caught off guard, defenses are up, and the whole vibe shifts from “What’s for dinner?” to “Should I sleep on the couch?”
Let’s talk about what just happened: a dirty start to a hard conversation. And let’s be real-this kind of thing happens to everyone. It doesn’t make you a bad partner. It just means there’s a better way.
What It Means to "Fight Dirty"
When I say “fighting dirty,” I’m not talking about calling each other assholes or flipping a table (although, yeah, don’t do that either). I’m talking about:
Leading with sarcasm, accusation, or full-volume frustration.
Catching your partner off guard with a loaded question or passive-aggressive jab.
Using blame instead of describing your experience.
It’s a setup for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman found that when these show up in conflict, the relationship starts to suffer-big time.
So, what do you do instead?
Use a Soft Startup
A soft startup is basically the emotionally mature way to bring up a hard thing. And according to Gottman’s research, 96% of the time, how a conversation starts determines how it ends. If you want to be heard, don’t come in hot.
Let’s rewrite that earlier moment:
“Hey, earlier you said something that stuck with me. I felt a little thrown, and I’d really like to understand what you meant. Can we talk about it?”
That opens a door instead of slamming one.
The Fair Fighting Rules (That Should Honestly Be on Your Fridge)
If you want a conflict to actually go somewhere (besides straight into a fight-hangover), follow these 10 Fair Fighting Rules. They aren’t just therapy fluff, they’re how adults argue like they love each other.
No degrading language, yelling, or use of force – Respect is the minimum, even when you’re mad.
Deal with one issue at a time – Don’t pile on. Stay focused.
No blaming – Use “I feel” instead of “You did.”
Don’t generalize or exaggerate – Avoid words like “always” and “never.” They’re rarely true and often inflammatory.
Do not make threats – Emotional safety matters. Threats destroy it.
Describe how you feel – Vulnerability builds connection.
Stay in the present – Don’t use this fight to relitigate the last ten years.
Take turns speaking and reflecting back – Listen to understand, not to win.
Don’t stockpile – Don’t save up your resentments like receipts. Bring things up when they happen.
Use timeouts – If it’s getting too heated, call a timeout and return when you're both regulated.
Stick these on your fridge, your phone, your forehead…wherever you’ll see them when the temperature starts rising.
This Isn't About Being "Nice"- It's About Being Effective
You can be angry and still fight fair. You can drop an f-bomb and still use a soft startup. You can want to scream, but instead say,
“I’m overwhelmed and upset, and I want to work through this with you, not against you.”
The goal isn’t to avoid conflict. It’s to show up to it with the mindset of connection, not conquest. Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships. Dirty fighting is optional.
Start Soft. Fight Fair. Love Hard.
So next time you feel that heat rising in your chest and the words “What the hell was THAT?” are at the tip of your tongue, pause. Breathe. Walk away if you need to. And then come back with something real, but kind. Direct, but not sharp.
You’re not weak for using a soft startup…you’re wise.
And honestly? That’s pretty fucking sexy.
My name is Jaimi Douthit and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples and individuals who are ready and motivated to make changes in their lives and relationships, who can handle feedback and encouragement, and engage in using the tools I teach in therapy outside of the therapy room. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
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