The Power of Vulnerability: Opening Up for Repair
What does vulnerability feel like in a healthy relationship? It looks like safety to expose your deepest insecurities and/or emotions while knowing the other person will not shame you. It produces opportunities for the relationship to be authentic and produce an environment that is more productive for repair after conflict. You may wonder why vulnerability is so important in relationships, and it’s because it is the only path to real connection with another human being.
Brene Brown’s research has shown that there are three key factors of vulnerability; (uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure). I see all of these components surface in my work with clients in couples therapy. It’s one of my favorite areas to explore because there are often underlying belief patterns that can limit progress in this area.
I have heard the phrase more times than I would like to admit (often from male clients due to socialization), “I view vulnerability as a weakness”. I immediately say, “how's that working out for you?” They normally laugh a bit and say something like, “well, I’m here”. Showing vulnerability takes courage and it also has the ability to refine behaviors in relationships that keep conflict from leading to resentments. Below are areas that can make repair in your relationship easier and more frequent.
Don’t Avoid Problems
It may seem like you’re keeping the peace by avoiding talking about a topic that is challenging with your partner. The problem is, you're just storing these issues up until they come out abruptly and with irrational anger. I know, I know, this goes back to the uncertainty of how your complaint is going to land with your partner.
In the past, you’ve probably shared something with a partner or family member and the conversation didn’t go well, and the problem just got worse instead of the other person addressing your concerns in a compassionate way. These past experiences add to the risk of being vulnerable with your partner: are the benefits of someone meeting your needs worth the risk of exploring an uncomfortable topic that’s previously led to escalated conflict?
I promise you, talking to your partner when you're at a level 3 instead of a level 10 on the anger scale has the greatest potential for your partner receiving what you're saying. Delivering your frustrations at a level 10 only creates defensiveness and your partner feeling more fragile about the relationship. The benefit will never outweigh the risk if this is how you approach the situation. But the risk will be worth it if you’re calm and willing to emotionally expose yourself, even just a little bit. Voicing a complaint accompanied by how this has been painful to you and why repair is important is the chef’s kiss of vulnerability.
Owning Up to Your Part
Sometimes when couples are in my office, it’s like watching a tennis match going back and forth. Each partner has a desire to prove why their point of view is right and why their partner’s point of view is wrong. My challenge to you is even if you feel that the conflict is your partner's fault, find a small piece that you can own that can contribute to healing. Again, this speaks to the emotional exposure component of vulnerability; it’s hard to admit we’ve hurt our partner’s feelings, we’ve made a mistake, or we’ve done something wrong.
I know I’m a therapist and maybe I should be more diplomatic, but I know that there are cases where it’s 100 percent your partner's fault. However, in most cases there are opportunities that could have made the issue less intense. For example, if your partner was not honest about some financial issues, explore if there were fears about having open communication with you about finances. Maybe your workload has made your interactions at home more rigid? You don’t have to take blame for an issue that you know isn’t your fault, but instead, lean in. Be curious about if there were elements that contributed on your part.
The Real Power of Vulnerability
Why is vulnerability so hard? If we understand that vulnerability is the key to connection, it seems like we’d want to embrace it. People generally try to be vulnerable, but sharing our deepest, authentic, unfiltered thoughts with a person you care about is difficult; AND the truth is we’re terrified that if our partner truly knows all those sticky thoughts, maybe they won’t like or care about us anymore. We tend to bury ourselves, to both protect our partner from something we fear will hurt their feelings, and ultimately ourselves from sharing something that might hurt the way our partner sees us.
While exposing the parts of ourselves that we’re insecure about is hard, it’s worth the risk because it feels amazing to have the person you care about the most validate or understand what you're going through, and vice versa. Instead of focusing on the potential shame you could feel, look at being vulnerable through a different lens: “I’m willing to take the risk to expose my insecurities because I want to feel connected to my partner and my relationship deserves this kind of authenticity.” You deserve to experience the power of vulnerability, and you better show up.
My name is Jennifer Anderson and I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate and a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate with the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples who are looking to build strong and secure relationships, who are ready to take accountability for their own actions, and who are willing to make changes and increase vulnerability to grow closer and enhance the connection in their relationship. I help couples and individuals in the League City, Kemah, and Houston, Texas areas, and residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. I’d love to help!
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