Bids That Bind: Turning Toward Togetherness
Have you been feeling lonely with your partner sitting right next to you? Maybe you feel mostly content with a hint that something feels off? Do you try to engage your partner in an interest, and they don't respond, sigh, roll their eyes, or stare blankly?
After over 20 years of research on what factors contribute to healthy long-term relationships, the Gottmans discovered that the number one predictor for maintaining closeness is…
attending to bids for connection.
What is a bid for connection?
Literally anytime you or your partner offers their hand, suggests ideas for dates, or tries to show something of interest.
The couples that struggle are the ones where one or both people show apathy, disinterest, or even disdain for taking their partner's hand, commenting on or adding date ideas, or even pretending to care about the meme or sunset their partner is jazzed about.
Why attend to these bids for connection?
I've seen couples who are siloed. They take the idea of independence of activities and interests to the extreme. Not only do they not do these activities together, they also think, why should I care? Why should I listen to stories about your friends I'll never meet? It's not relevant to me.
Guess what... if you keep up that attitude, you'll irrelevance your way to becoming strangers to each other. This means you’ll have less positive regard and shared meaning to rely upon when you’re in conflict. You might not consciously realize you feel lonely because you're busy doing your own thing or you might desperately miss laughing with your partner. Either way…
the longer the bids for connection are ignored, the wider the chasm.
How do I answer the call?
Particularly in the US, there's a huuuuge emphasis on internal motivation and genuine desire. I often hear couples describe the "want to want" and discomfort if their partner is doing something for their benefit and maybe it's not their partner’s first choice of activity. This applies to dishes, seeing family, and extends to special interests. The reality is, to live relationally means to do things that might not be our top choice to honor our connections.
It's not about sacrificing; it's about mutually investing.
My partner will describe in great detail about a space exploring strategy game that's full of special titles and mechanics I don't remember. He animatedly tells me about new expansions, ability to build bigger war ships, etc. Do I personally care about the fate of these fake alien races? Not really. And, I don't need to broadcast that. He knows it's not my thing and appreciates that I listen, maybe reflect back a key phrase of something he was particularly stoked about, and say something encouraging like, "That's great, babe. You'll be able to conquer the rock people even more quickly!"
All of this is to say, it's okay to fake interest. Just like a show that might not be your thing at first, you'll likely develop genuine interest over time. You'll get invested in the plot of your partner's life. You may not be into video games, bird watching, D&D, golf, jazz, etc. You don't have to be. All you need to do is lean in, actively listen, and get curious. Even if you don't care about the subject matter or activity, you'll learn about your partner's relationship to it. You'll hear more about their passions, their friends, their struggles, their triumphs. And, hopefully, they'll do the same for you.
Show them how good it feels to be attended to and they'll likely lean in, too.
Let's talk about attention:
Another piece to keep in mind is it's not practical or fair to expect 100% of your partner's attention. The more we learn about neurodiversity, particularly ADHD, the more we realize that everyone attends to things in different ways and some people need help or extra cues getting there. Often, this isn't a lack of interest in you, it's a swirl of thoughts, tasks, and stimuli that are overwhelming. They might need to be doing something to listen. In these cases, come up with strategies to share important things during check-in's, use eye contact, fidgets, Play-Doh, no phone, maybe music on or off depending on their need. Their distraction is not about you. Whatever helps them attend.
Need support figuring out how to lean in with your partner? Maybe you’ve tried to get your partner’s walls to come down and you’re looking for a drawbridge. We’re here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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