Made to Order Merriment: How to Support Holiday Anxieties
Do you love shifting your schedule to make others happy? Do you enjoy buying obligatory gifts? Do you revel in the comments from family about whether your home is festive enough or too festive? Few times of year have as much prescriptive expectations as the winter holidays. Prescriptive types of meals, types of gathering, types of acceptable emotions.
For neurodiverse people, this time of year can be a bundle of overwhelming chaos. For those who struggle to get into a routine in the first place only to have the location of the holiday party change last minute, for those who absolutely need routine to function, for those who get analysis paralysis when it comes to choosing gifts, for those who have environmental sensitivities to flashing lights, loud sounds, intense smells, etc. , for those who experience depression or grief during the season of joy, for those with social anxiety, for those who have major mood swings during the time of peace… this time of year can feel like an all-out assault.
Almost all of my clients approached me with concerns about holiday family time and there’s been a marked up-tick in seasonal depression symptoms this year.
To those people, I see you. You’re not alone.
What can you or your partner do to accommodate for these adjustments, anxieties, and needs?
1. Be honest about how you feel about this time of year. Whether it squicks your brain or you experienced a trauma or major loss around this time of year, your partner knowing what you need and being on the same page helps them support you.
2. Share concerns and needs going into group or family events. Just because you chose your friends, doesn’t mean you can’t get anxiety going into a big group of them. You didn’t choose your family, but you can choose to set boundaries with them as needed. Maybe what you need is a quite night in watching your favorite holiday movie, Die Hard. Holiday film or not, couch snuggles are great!
3. Non-obligatory gift policy. With those close with you, ask them if you can agree to non-obligatory gifts. My husband and our girlfriend have this agreement, and it works great for them. They still get each other things every now and then, but it’s often just when it feels right for them. If White Elephant or Secret Santa causes panic, opt out.
4. Come up with a pre-set time to check-in or leave. Let your partner or hosts know you may need to leave suddenly or at a certain time for self-care, so they can adjust activities they value you being included in.
5. Have fun with the hard stuff. For anxieties or mood swings, come up with a funny name for them. Personifying the emotions helps externalize them. I call my anxiety Almondo (because my amygdalae, responsible for all of my big emotions, are the size and shape of an almond!). It helps put my emotions in perspective and I can have a conversation with or about it as a temporary guest rather than an intrinsic part of me. Find ways to have fun and be goofy together or as a family!
6. Schedule time for reconnection rituals and intimacy. Prioritize date night during this busy season. Prioritize touch that feels cozy and comforting. And, if something comes up, have flexibility and reschedule rather than cancel. What I do is put it in Google calendar with two question marks in front of the event title and email the reminder to whoever I’m sharing that time with. Then, I don’t remove the question marks until we’ve discussed it and/or they’ve confirmed. This shows them they’re on your mind, and for those with anxiety brain gremlins, it helps them feel important and prioritized.
Remember, your brain-body needs what it needs to function best for you and your relationships. Often, once I help couples understand each other’s brains and nervous systems more clearly, take morality of character out of default modes and needs, and learn how to collaborate on using each person’s skills effectively, they know each other more fully, don’t personalize their partner’s quirks, and are able to function as a strong team. Through honesty, coming up with your own traditions, and holding boundaries, this season can be a little more of your version of merry.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!