"I Broke the Egg": A Couples Therapist Perspective on Accountability
Defense mechanisms can be a real bitch. While they pop up from time to time in order to keep us safe, I find them destructive to the one thing that relationships need to survive: vulnerability.
In couples therapy, my job is to help my clients get rid of all the extra baggage that’s keeping them from being able to connect, process their pain, heal, and grow together. Most couples come to therapy seeking communication tools to help both partners understand each other better. And yes, tools and effective communication are key, but that’s really only the first step.
We need those skills in place in order to do the real work of couples therapy, which is to explore our deepest vulnerabilities and feel safe and secure while doing that. This allows us to build an emotionally safe relationship for both partners in which you know even when something really bad happens, you’re going to be ok because you will tackle the challenge together and feel closer on the other side.
That all sounds really nice, but I’m sure my clients can tell you it’s not always easy to get there. There are many barriers to being able to reach a truly safe method of communication and exploration, but the one I find to be the most challenging is the struggle for people to take accountability. I’ll primarily focus on how this plays out in couples therapy, but you can really apply these ideas to any relationship.
If you’re in a relationship of any kind (which all of us are-family, friendships, work, romantic, dating, etc.), you’re going to get hurt. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true for 100% of us. That’s the risk of engaging in a relationship, and it’s also what leads to great rewards. Relational injuries hurt, but meaningful repairs bring us closer and more connected than pretty much anything else on the planet.
So that means we will hurt our partner at some point?
1000% yes, you will hurt your partner’s feelings. You’ll hurt your kids' feelings, your friends' feelings, and your parents’ feelings. While that sucks and causes pain, it also provides an opportunity to grow closer together through repair. What brings couples into my office saying they’re having the same fight over and over again is because they don’t know how to repair when the offending partner is unwilling or unable to take accountability.
Denying responsibility deteriorates good will, positive sentiments, and trust. It communicates to our partner that you lack self awareness and emotional maturity, and that you are unlikely to change. No one wants to spend a lifetime with someone who is inflexible and lacks the desire to grow as a person. You must learn to take accountability when your partner expresses pain, whether you agree that they “should” be hurt or not.
What does this look like in real life?
This is a typical cycle I see when couples are working with me. Partner A says something offhanded that unintentionally triggers Partner B. Partner B responds (it could be lashing out, shutting down, being passive aggressive, getting defensive, leaving, or saying “that hurt my feelings”, etc.) due to the attachment injury that just occurred. Partner A is confused and asks why their partner is so upset. Partner B says everything is fine.
Things are beginning to escalate. Partner A persists, Partner B explains their experience. Partner A becomes defensive, angry that their partner is angry, irritable, lacks understanding, and begins describing the 100 reasons they didn’t mean it that way and that wasn’t their intention. Partner B explains it doesn’t matter, it still hurt their feelings. Partner A gets upset that Partner B is upset, and now it’s off to the races. Sound familiar? Obviously this can play out in a number of ways, but I’d say this encompasses a vast majority of the clients I have worked with.
The Power of Accountability
Here is where we need to look at this meme that has been circulating on social media. I believe this is a perfect visual of the process I walk clients through as we are working on taking accountability, but also using a “less is more” approach.
People can get bogged down in the details, and the more information we add as we’re attempting to defend our actions, the less likely it comes across that you understand that what you did DID actually hurt your partner (whether you intended it or not). Intent and context absolutely have a place in the conversation, but not until after you have acknowledged the pain that occurred. Going on a diatribe about how you didn’t mean to and that’s obviously not your intention will only have the opposite effect-your partner will interpret this as you dismissing their feelings, which likely is something that set off the entire interaction in the first place.
You can instantly change the interaction by keeping it short, putting your ego and pride to the side, and saying in a concise and straightforward way “I broke the egg.” Don’t go up and over and under and around it, let’s just deal with it head on. Your partner likely believes that you love them and don’t actively want to hurt them (if you are experiencing mental, emotional, or any other form of intimate partner violence, this changes many aspects of what we’re talking about here), but remember you will hurt them. It’s inevitable, so when you do own it.
Here’s how the above cycle could play out after the couple has worked through some of these issues in therapy. Partner A says something offhanded that unintentionally triggers Partner B. Partner B takes a breath and actively uses a new coping skill instead of old defense mechanisms to respond with an I statement explaining that what Partner A said hurt their feelings and explains what they could do in the future. Partner A says “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. What can I do to help you feel better?”
Partner B shares the path to repair for this issue, in which Partner A gains a better understanding of why Partner B was hurt in the first place. Partner A shows empathy and compassion, helps Partner B understand it was not intentional and why it hurt their feelings, and both partners make an agreement on how they will maneuver similar situations moving forward.
Notice I said that both partners will work together relationally to navigate the situation-this is key in helping you both be part of the process of repair AND will make it easier for either of you to take accountability of your behavior in the future. When you have evidence of a good outcome, it makes effective non-defensive communication the new safe method.
If this healthier scenario feels impossible or really far away from where you are now, don’t panic. It does for a lot of people, heck, even me in my marriage at times. There are simple ways to get there, but simple is not easy, and it takes some looking in the mirror to understand your own defense mechanisms, access what you’re really protecting yourself from, and be willing to take the risk that if you put that out there, your partner will still be there. Scary stuff, but totally worth it! Now, let’s talk about our eggs.
Now that you understand that accountability is vital, check out next week’s blog to learn more about why it’s so hard to take responsibility for our behaviors when we’ve hurt someone. It will give you a lot to think about.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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