Common Blunders: Relationship Damaging Habits
One thing I notice in session is that while there are absolutely couples who know exactly how to hurt each other and even aim to do so sometimes, far more often I see good people falling into habits they don't even realize are creating distance. On their own, these moments don't seem like much. But over the course of a day, a week, or a month, they begin to pile up into something much bigger: resentment, loneliness, and disconnection. Those little moments end up taking far more space in the room than we'd like to admit.
The encouraging part is that we have so much influence over those moments. We have countless opportunities each day to pause, choose differently, and show up just a little better… for ourselves, for our partner, and for our healing journey. The best news? Awareness alone is often the first giant step. I never ask for perfection, just progress. And progress? You can absolutely do that.
Let’s do it… Which of these feels alive in your relationship?:
1. Assuming literally anything about your partner and their intent - we just LOVE making an ass out of “u and me”! Why are we assuming? Oftentimes, we are moving too quickly to slow down and actively listen or lean into communicating with curiosity…and people are typically already disconnected which always increases the odds of a misread. Now, people often get here naturally with a past hurt or disappointment coloring the way they interpret their partner's behavior.
I find that because of this, couples often assume the worst of their partner, “I just know they are out to get me so they MUST have meant that as an attack!” whether it was intended that way or not. Instead of, “What is wrong with you?! You have been ignoring me all evening! No - I get it! IT’S FINE!”, you could extend positive regard and try, “Hey - I am feeling ignored by you this evening and I’d like to check in with you… is everything okay in your world?”.
Just imagine… humor me for a second... what if your partner isn't out to get you? What if they're distracted? Overwhelmed? Having a bad day? What if their behavior isn't about you at all? How might that change the way you respond?
2. Waiting until you lose your shit - When we don't talk about hurt, it doesn't disappear…it just sits and waits. Not only is it way way way easier to manage a situation prior to having to climb the mountain of resentment… on top of that, you get to enjoy so much more time with your partner feeling connected and like a team when communication is honest and open.
You don’t have to figure that out alone… we are particularly good at helping clients with communication within their relationships!
3. Keeping track of all the times your partner definitely screwed up - Healthy relationships are not meant to have a running tally sheet. They are partnerships meant to bring support, love, connection and care to each participant. We remember who forgot the date night, who left the dishes to sit overnight again, who apologized last, who initiated intimacy, who got to sleep in or changed the last diaper... and before we know it, we're collecting evidence instead of collecting moments of connection. Don't get me wrong…fairness absolutely matters. Feeling like you're carrying the relationship on your own is a real problem that deserves to be talked about… and we will.
If you're keeping score to prove a point rather than solve a problem, that little notebook is probably creating more distance than it's creating change. I know, I know… throw the notebook away.
4. Prioritizing winning over the relational response - Winning an argument often loses connection. I see regularly when couples are listening to respond vs. actively listening and receiving what their partner is sharing. Please take note - validation does not mean you agree with what you are validating. Your partner is allowed to have feelings, even if you don’t understand them. If you are doing the work with your partner, you will get so much further in the conversation if you lead with curiosity instead of trying to prove a point.
Instead of “How do I get to the other side of this argument?” we think, “How does the RELATIONSHIP get to the other side of this argument?”
5. Forgetting to notice the positive things your partner does - Our brains are naturally wired to notice what's wrong before we notice what's right. That's great if you're trying to avoid being eaten by a bear, buuut not so great if you're trying to build a healthy relationship. Before long, we just stop noticing the little things: the coffee they made, the gas they put in your car, the hug before work, the way they always lock up the house at night.
The funny thing is, people rarely stop doing kind things because they don't care anymore…they stop because they start to wonder if anyone even notices. Appreciation doesn't have to be some grand speech, it can be as simple as, "Hey, thanks for making dinner," or "I noticed you handled bedtime tonight."
People tend to lean into and grow the behaviors that make them feel seen.
6. Forgetting that your partner is human - Here's the thing... your partner is going to disappoint you. No doubt. They're going to forget something important, misunderstand you, say the wrong thing, leave their socks on the floor (again and again), or completely miss the hint you thought was painfully obvious. And guess what? So are you. Healthy relationships aren't built because two perfect people found each other, they're built because two imperfect people keep choosing repair over resentment.
Grace doesn't mean tolerating unhealthy behavior or pretending everything is okay. It means remembering that the person sitting across from you is a human being who will get it wrong sometimes, just like you will.
If we can make room for each other's humanity while still holding each other accountable, we create a relationship that feels much safer to grow in.
Let’s Lean In & Heal
If you find yourself in a few of these habits, take a deep breath… these are all so human! You are not cursed or totally doomed when it comes to relationships, you've simply developed patterns that aren't serving you anymore. The cool thing about habits is that they can be changed. You don't have to wake up tomorrow and become the perfect partner. You just have to notice one moment where you could pause, choose differently, and show up a little better than you did yesterday.
Relationships are built in ordinary moments. They're built in the way you greet each other after work, the way you repair after an argument, the assumptions you choose not to make, the appreciation you remember to express, and the grace you extend when neither of you gets it exactly right. Those moments may feel small on their own, but over time they become the story of your relationship.
So, if you take one thing away from this article, let it be this: I never ask for perfection, just progress. Progress is choosing curiosity over assumptions. Connection over score keeping. Gratitude over criticism. Repair over resentment. And the best part? You don't have to make all of those changes today… I’d call bullshit if you did! Just pick one. Your relationship is worth that first step.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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