Expressing Appreciation: How to Say "Thank You" in Your Relationship
Gratitude is a practice that can be strengthened by intentional noticing and expressing. The noticing is for yourself. It helps you stay grounded in your priorities and move in the world with more hope. The expressing is what helps you stay connected and rooted in your relationships.
At Thanksgiving time, we're encouraged to experience and share gratitude. Family and friends gather, stress over food, eat too much, and have a mixture of natural and obligatory exchanges.
Because of the ways our families might push certain agendas and expectations, we want as much as possible to distinguish that from our romantic partnerships. We want to feel accepted, celebrated, and a sense of belonging that we might or might not have experienced growing up.
In shared times of stress, it’s easier to justify your partner supporting and “sacrificing” time or energy in navigating things that are also stressful for you. It’s harder to accept that your partner might be neutral or not know your needs, especially when it seems obvious and natural to you. And there are relational blocks to expressing needs and receiving based on learned family culture.
I often see couples where one partner will do for the other what they wish to receive themselves. They project the ways to love that they grew up with or were lacking. In couples counseling, we can clarify how each person prefers both to give and receive love.
Gratitude can exist when you notice a partner's efforts, even if they’re not your preference. If that happens consistently, though, resentment and feeling un-seen can creep in. Gratitude can be amplified when you are empowered to advocate for your needs and have them met from a place of genuine care. Sometimes it's hard to muster genuine enthusiasm for seeing a critical mother-in-law, yet we do it from a place of love.
If you can let in that your partner is doing something from genuine care, it's easier to experience gratitude.
Often, at least one partner in a couple will say they feel unappreciated in their efforts. Acknowledging those efforts can go a long way to them receiving and experiencing gratitude.
Maybe your partner got the food, helped prep, watched the kids or pets while you prepped, listened to your frustration of coordinating logistics, offered possible solutions when asked, redirected the conversation with family when it started to get awkward... Or maybe these are things you wish they would do and never asked.
Here are ways to cultivate gratitude:
Step 1:
Make a list of specific, observable ways your partner can support you during this and any stressful time.
Step 2:
Notice the little things. Maybe even write down each time they do something that makes you feel loved. This helps you tap into and practice gratitude. It grows within you.
Step 3:
Share with your partner what you’re appreciating in their efforts. Even if “words of affirmation” are low on their list, say it anyway.
You can express gratitude in the form of: “When you…[went shopping for the food for our meal], I felt [relieved and grateful].”
This gives positive reinforcement, which over time, will instill a memory and internal motivation for meeting your needs. And, once you’re more fulfilled, you’ll be able to meet their needs with more ease. To maintain momentum in the cycle of appreciation, thank your partner not only for things they’re doing for you now, but also for the ways they’ve grown with you and the effort they’ve put in to make those desired changes.
This holiday season let’s give each other a menu of how to meet each other’s needs and believe in our hearts that our partner has the pure intention of wanting to connect. What are you grateful for about your partner?
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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