Repair Attempts: The Unsung Hero of Healthy Conflict
When a fight breaks out, what matters most isn’t how it started—it’s how it ends.
Every couple argues. Sometimes it’s subtle and stays relatively civil, sometimes it’s all out war. Conflict can look all kinds of ways. The difference between relationships that thrive and those that crumble isn’t whether conflict happens, but how couples come back together. That’s where repair attempts come in.
According to Dr. John Gottman, repair attempts are “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” Think of them as the relationship version of a reset button.
Why Repair Attempts Matter
During conflict, it’s easy to get swept up in defensiveness, criticism, or contempt (3 of the 4 horsemen). These negative cycles can spiral quickly. In fact, I often discuss the speed at which conflict occurs and how quickly partners play off each other to be a main culprit in arguments escalating out of control. Repair attempts help slow that spiral, soften the tension, and steer the conversation toward connection and resolution.
Couples who make and accept repair attempts effectively are much more likely to stay emotionally connected—even when things get hard.
Examples of Repair Attempts
“Can we take a break and come back to this?”
“That came out wrong. Let me try again.”
“I’m on your team—I promise.”
Insert humor, a funny face, or an inside joke.
“This is important to me, and I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can you help me calm down?”
It’s not the words alone, but the intention and the tone behind them that make repair attempts work.
5 Steps to Make Effective Repair Attempts
Recognize escalation early.
Notice when voices are rising, body language is tense, or you're starting to shut down or lash out. That’s the time to pause.Use a soft startup.
Instead of leading with criticism (“You never listen!”), express your feelings and needs calmly: “I’m feeling unheard and I really want us to work through this together.”Take ownership.
If you’ve said something hurtful, repair attempts start with accountability: “That wasn’t fair. I got defensive. Let me back up.”Offer reassurance.
Remind your partner you’re on the same team: “I’m frustrated, but I don’t want to fight. I want to understand.”Practice—and respond to—repairs.
Repair attempts only work if both partners recognize and accept them. Responding with openness instead of pushing back (“Whatever, you're just trying to end the fight”) helps you both re-center. These bids for connection are important to add grace before, during, and after conflict.
What If Repair Attempts Fail?
Sometimes, one partner isn’t ready to hear an offer for repair. Maybe emotions are still too high. In those moments, it’s okay to take a break and revisit the issue when both of you are regulated. Learning to repair is a skill—one that gets stronger with time and use. And like many other skills, you’ll need to practice over and over again. Give yourself and each other some grace as you’re learning new ways to interrupt conflict cycles, make repair attempts, and find ways to co-regulate. I can’t promise you that you’ll figure out all the solutions right away (or at all), but I can promise that you’ll both continue to make mistakes in communication, and when that happens you need as many tools as possible.
Therapy can be a safe place to practice repair, learn emotional regulation, and strengthen the foundation of your relationship. It’s a place to find the tools.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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Contact us to schedule an appointment
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