Love Drugs: Curating a Healthy Set & Setting
A new year sometimes means opening ourselves to new connections or is a chance to reflect on the connections we have. Regardless of sexual orientation or relationship structure, when we experience romantic feelings, we’re on drugs. Honestly, possibly the most potent drug of all. This drug is created in the mixology lab of our bodies with connection hormones that give us the yummy, intoxicating cocktail called Limerence.
Let’s talk about this cocktail of disorienting drugs.
Another name for Limerence is New Relationship Energy or (NRE). It’s comprised of dysregulated levels of reward-centric, stress, excitement/restlessness, and inhibition reduction hormones. This is an evolutionary biological imperative to mate and reproduce.
It’s a mix of euphoria and obsession.
On average, this high intensity phase of infatuation lasts for about a year. Around a year and a half is when the hormones typically balance out with the right person to become Mature Love. This is when oxytocin and vasopressin join the team. I want to keep the focus more relational than neuro-science, AND I highly recommend researching the hormones and their functions within Limerence and “Mature Love.”
As we learn more about neurodiversity, we’ve learned that some don’t experience romantic energy at all, for some the high is much shorter lived (which can lead to serial monogamy or cheating), and for the example of one of my partners, he still feels the same level of infatuation now as when we met 8 years ago. Luckily, for us this has balanced with the Mature Love hormones.
So, we know there’s variance. Looking at your relationship history, where might you fall in this spectrum? How long did you feel “in love” with someone? Besotted to the point of obsessive or intrusive thoughts about them? How long before you made a big choice in that relationship? Did you paint a fantasy of the future with little information?
Okay, now that we’ve explained the ingredients, I want to say I love this cocktail! I love love! And, sometimes when we’re under the influence we make choices that have massive consequences on our lives and loved ones. Essentially, we need sober people around us, who can give honest feedback before we make any big decisions. Through many years, different types of relationships, and learning about how the brain and body functions when we’re in this state, I’ve learned the power of having clear boundaries with myself, expectation setting, and checking in with my chosen family on their view of the person or connection.
Often, I’ve seen people become so enamored with their new lover that they socially isolate with that person. This combined with the general public opinion that it’s rude or meddlesome to comment on someone’s choice of mate can create a risky situation.
Here are some tips on how you can create a good set and setting for these drugs, inviting your sober folks to the party:
Make sure you’re spending most of your time in familiar environments with familiar people.
1. Set clear time containers with your new sweetie and honor them.
2. Continue prioritizing your current relationships and friendships.
3. Create a Flags List. Everyone is going to have a mix. It’s up to you to identify what mix is sustainable for you. For each new person with whom you connect, refer to your list and see where they fall. Mark down anything that might be a yellow and red flag and ask multiple trusted people about those aspects.
Green (feels healthy and aligned with your values and life)
Yellow (could be temporary or situational issues)
Red (abusive behaviors or deal-breakers for you)
4. As counter-intuitive and scary as it might sound, having discussions with newer romantic or sexual connections early on about how you would want to go about changing or ending the relationship can create a lot of trust and security. The people who refused to have these conversations with me or were unclear were the connections that became unsustainable in my life. Ultimately, people might not stick to their word when shit hits the fan, but at least you’ve been able to set intentions and have guidelines about how you would want to behave, which creates more likelihood of honoring them.
5. Pay attention to how they talk about their exes. If they are the victim in every story, you might (like I have) be tempted to think you’ll be the exception and you’ll treat them right. How people talk about their relationships is more indicative and consistent of their lens and level of accountability than how others might have treated them.
6. Think about what you consider an escalation and create a list for yourself and/or discuss the pace: i.e. meeting kids/family. People experiencing NRE can be more impulsive or spontaneous. Discuss at what point you would want to travel together, consider cohabitating, marriage, etc.
7. When you do introduce your new person to your friends or family, ask them what they think of you around that person. What does this new person seem to bring out in you?
Do you seem like yourself?
Do you seem on edge?
Do you seem like you can meet other people’s bids for connection when offered?
Do you seem at ease in your body?
8. Ask for their impressions of your new person.
Are they clear or confusing in their story telling?
Do your telling of shared stories or experiences mostly match?
How do they feel in their bodies around your new squeeze?
Are there any facts about them or interactions that give your people pause or concern? If so, write these down.
I’m not suggesting placing higher value on their opinions than your own. I’m advocating for putting trust in the people who are not on the strong drugs you are and having clear guidelines about pace for the escalations that are within your control. Ultimately, I want you to enjoy the drug: as intentionally as you can.
Happy loving!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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