Family Roles: It's Time to Let Go
We all enjoy a good game of family drama. But let's face it, it may be challenging when your own family is acting out a scene from Young and the Restless.
We’ve all been there. Family functions filled with backhanded compliments. The older sister who hates her siblings. The narcissistic mother who must be the center of attention. Or the unemployed father who can’t keep his shit together.
These behavior tendencies are known as “family roles.” And if we aren't careful, these behaviors can contribute to mental health problems, create unhealthy relationships, and impede our personal development.
What are family roles?
Family roles are coping mechanisms we create to emotionally endure in our birth family. Terry Real suggests that unhealthy behavior, emotional abandonment, and/or relational trauma are common causes of such circumstances. These coping mechanisms functioned as helpful tools during childhood, but they transform into inflexible identities that restrict our ability to be genuine and build deep connections with others in adulthood.
Common roles include:
The Hero: Assumes responsibility for security.
The Caretaker: Prioritizes the needs of others, frequently at the price of their own.
The Scapegoat: Bears blame for family issues.
The Lost Child: Emotionally retreats to prevent confrontation.
The Mascot: Uses comedy to relieve stress.
The Impact on Adult Relationships
Due to their direct impact on relationship patterns, family roles play a vital part in couples' therapy. According to Terry Real, unresolved family roles could jeopardize intimacy. A "Hero," for instance, could find it hard to be sensitive for fear that it will diminish their worth. Guilt can be felt by a "Scapegoat" who anticipates rejection or blame. And the giving personality of a "Caretaker" may draw in lovers who take advantage of them.
The roles create relational situations that keep us apart from other people while acting as protective measures.
Terry Real’s Approach: Relational Life Therapy
Relational Life Therapy benefits both lovers, and those who are single, by recognizing their respective roles and responsibilities in relationships. This method helps people understand the origins of their family traits while teaching them new relational skills that promote connection and emotional honesty and accountability.
Free At Last!
Thinking back on your relationships and how you handle family disputes is the first step towards realizing your role in your family. A lot of dysfunction may still exist in the home even if your alcoholic father enters rehab. They throw the family out of its assumed "balance" and into confusion by shifting the roles they play. Family members must recognize their problematic patterns and how they have influenced their basic mindsets and behaviors.
By proactively addressing any lingering problems or negative habits from childhood, we can foster an atmosphere of unconditional love. This could involve thinking back on the circumstances of your childhood and the part you played. Correlate how that behavior manifests itself in your present relationships. You can learn how to shift into new behaviors that help you gain worthwhile connection, such as stating your wants, being honest about your emotions, and establishing boundaries.
A therapist can provide a safe and supportive environment for you to sort through, and make more sense of, past experiences. We will work together to unravel the complex, disorganized, and agonizing web of childhood so that you can live life to its fullest.
My name is Naomi Arceneaux and I am an LPC-Intern at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples who are ready to stop hiding behind resentment or fear and start showing up with courage and clarity. Even if the future feels uncertain, there’s power in deciding to face it—together. I’m here when you’re looking to bravely move forward. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
Begin Couples Therapy in League City, TX
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Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At the Center for Couples Counseling, we understand you or your relationship may be facing different challenges. To help you work on yourself and your relationship, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety, and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!