Hosting with Heart: How to be Diverse Together During the Holidays & Beyond
Let’s face it, most of the time hosting family members is a difficult beast. Add on top of that seasonal expectations of hospitality and cheer, it’s a downright anxiety-inducing nail biter. Often, people have certain associations with what being a good host entails a la Martha Stewart. Well, Martha Stewart hasn’t sat with couples stressing about how to handle the critical mother-in-law, the dismissive dad, or the inappropriate jokes uncle. I have.
As I’ve experienced hosting many types of groups over the years and learned more about neurodiversity, I’ve learned some tips on how to have responsive leadership, when to let things be, and how to honor people’s different needs by making accommodations.
Sometimes, these accommodations are just as much what we provide as it is what we allow and don’t allow in our space.
How to Host with Heart:
1.Set the container: In the invite, group text, email, whatever you use… give a description of what type of time you’d like to have. Set the tone. When people arrive set expectations by delegating tasks for those who just absolutely need to help.
2. Set the Space: Let people know that you recognize everyone has different social batteries and normalize taking some quiet/alone time. Designate a room or space to retreat to if they're overstimulated or need a freaking break from someone.
Create a code word ahead of time with someone you trust of you need space or to vent.
3. Allow Accommodations: Particularly around the holidays, people concern themselves more with propriety, which often spits in the face of those with special needs. If a kid needs a toy at the table, and they're not being overly disruptive with it, let them have it. If someone needs colored lenses due to light sensitivity or earplugs for noise sensitivity, either say nothing or thank them for honoring themselves. No need to apologize for your daylight lighting or echo-y dining room.
4. Be a Food Friend: If someone has allergies, intolerance, or difficulties with certain textures, encourage them to bring their favorite dish. Don't stress about having to learn a gluten free rolls recipe. And avoid making lamenting comments about how you could never go without cheese, etc. or insist someone try a food they aren't expressing interest in.
5. Appoint an Angel: If there's someone in the group whose presence is calming and knows anything about being a kind, listening ear, announce that if anyone needs support they can call on them.
6. Mind the Guestlist: Remember, this is your space and event. You have dominion over your peace and the vibes. Mindful exclusion is totally a thing. Not everyone jives, and that's okay. Sometimes, we feel obligated to invite certain people who give us grief.
Set boundaries with them ahead of time about what behaviors will not be tolerated and that they'll be asked to leave if necessary.
7. Fun & Games: Have various activities and cozy objects available. This could be simple card games, question prompts, or blanket and coloring books for everyone. Or maybe a private game of Aunt Linda Bingo (of all of her idiosyncrasies) just for you and your partner or siblings.
This helps turn things that would typically annoy you into something fun. Take the power back!
8. Reframe the Pain: Terry Real says we're all wounded kids walking around in adult suits. All of those annoying behaviors (as long as they're not legitimately abusive, then see #6) were come by honestly, through generational trauma and family of origin bullshit. When people are stressed, self-conscious, etc, they revert back to a young version of themselves where they learned how to act to get their needs met. Often, what worked for them at 7 doesn't fly with most adults.
If you can view this person as a kid acting out to find a way to fit in, you'll have more patience and compassion.
9. Self-Care: Remember, self-care is your friend. And friends are your friend. Call on your partner or bestie if you need support. Actually use your code-word.
Take deep breaths.
These tools can create a space for you and yours to ditch some obligation, be considerate without overly self-compromising, and hopefully have some fun this holiday season and beyond! If you and your partner need guidance discussing family concerns and finding ways to work together, we’re here to help.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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