10 Myths About Infidelity and Affair Recovery
When the topic of affairs or cheating comes up in casual conversation or amongst a group of peers, it can be quite polarizing. And pretty much everyone has an opinion about it, typically a very strong and boisterous opinion. “If my partner cheated, I’d leave immediately.” “You’ll never be able to trust them again.” “Cheating means they just wanted out of the marriage anyway.”
I will admit, I used to have an idea about what I’d do if I found out that my partner had an affair. After working with couples for over a decade, I’ve learned that my preconceptions were all wrong, and life is more nuanced than that. It’s easy to sit in judgment about who’s doing what when you have space from the incident and it doesn’t involve you, but when you’re the one in the middle of discovering infidelity it may all feel different than you expected.
After all, you likely committed to this relationship because you like the person at their core. You may have children together, built a home over the years, invested in the relationship and each other’s well-being, and gone on amazing adventures; so it’s not so simple really. There’s not one factor that determines whether a couple should do the hard work to repair or decide to go their separate ways (that will be different for every couple), but I can tell you that it’s more complex than meets the eye.
When couples come in to work on affair recovery, many of their beliefs about how to heal or move forward are just plain false. The media and movies portray infidelity in a number of ways. Your friends and family have all given their unsolicited advice about what you should do next. Untrained professionals in other fields often provide guidance for couples, yet I’ve heard many stories of uninformed people unknowingly giving bad information. There are a number of myths that circulate about infidelity and affair recovery; I’m going to review the most common ones I hear in my office.
Myth 1: Infidelity is Uncommon
Because of the whirlwind of emotional responses and questions that occur in the aftermath of discovering an affair, betrayed partners often report feeling isolated and alone. Most people choose to keep infidelity a secret, or only share with a select number of people in their support system. Even when people do share, they don’t usually detail the experience and degree of pain they went through.
Infidelity is not uncommon, and you are not alone. There are many therapists who specialize in infidelity recovery, numerous large online resources available, support groups, and posts in social media groups describing affairs and how to recover from this betrayal. The latest research shows that about 44% of marriages are affected by infidelity and that about 70% of people have dealt with some type of infidelity in their lifetime. Your pain is real and valid, and there are ways to connect or tap into the experience of others to help you feel like a normal person for the reactions you are having.
Myth 2: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater
I’m certain most people have heard this phrase once or twice, or a hundred times. People often believe this statement is true, but in fact there is no research that shows once someone has cheated that they will definitely cheat again. A small percentage of people are serial cheaters, in which they betray over and over again with no remorse and do not engage in making the changes necessary to prevent infidelity in the future.
Serial cheaters have other underlying issues that lead to repeated infidelity (attachment issues, narcissism, dishonesty is reinforcing) that go unprocessed and untreated. Most people do feel guilt and remorse for hurting their partner, and they are willing and able to do the hard work of affair recovery. There are often external circumstances that contribute to the choice to betray, and if those things are addressed the need to turn away often dissipates.
Lack of communication and connection are also factors that play into infidelity, and the affair recovery process actually brings partners back together to deepen their connection. I’ve watched hundreds of couples heal over the years and re-engage fully in their marriage. So no, it is not a guarantee that once a cheater, always a cheater.
Myth 3: Someone is to Blame for the Affair
People often think that it’s necessary to identify who’s at fault, because putting blame on someone feels better than sitting in the discomfort that such a deep betrayal can occur without tangible reasons. In relationships, there’s no room for objective reality and there are no universal truths. Putting this all on ourselves or our partner is not helpful, and it does not lead to healing. While there is no excuse for cheating or betraying your partner (taking accountability is key here), there are factors that impact that decision and play an important role in creating safe boundaries.
Life happens. And because life happens, people experience complicated emotions and struggle to live relational lives. A grief or death can impact someone in a way that they look inward and isolate instead of turning to someone for connection and support. A major life trauma can destroy a couple’s ability to connect and explore emotional or physical intimacy. Humans make mistakes. Relationships change. Not one person or thing needs to be blamed for the hurt that was caused; let’s just work from that place of hurt so you can get to the healing.
Myth 4: The Unfaithful Parter has No Right to Grieve the End of the Affair
Society largely disapproves of infidelity and views the involved partner as the enemy. Again, how many times have you heard “once a cheater, always a cheater”? Human behavior can be wrong and terrible, however that doesn’t mean the person is a bad person. The unfaithful partner experiences complex layers of emotions in regards to the loss of innocence in the marriage, the loss of the affair, the loss of connection, the loss of fantasizing about a new life.
The involved partner likely needed a wake up call to snap out of the world they were creating for themselves because it was destructive, and now they need to grieve these changes. Unprocessed grief will always show up again later; if the unfaithful partner is not given the space to process the affair and their relationship with the affair partner, they cannot heal and fully engage back in the relationship.
Grief can be viewed as evidence the affair relationship is really over, and you both can let it go. It is very challenging and painful for the betrayed partner to witness and support the unfaithful partner, but imagine how close you could feel on the other side knowing those feelings have been resolved and that chapter fully closed out.
Myth 5: The Unfaithful Partner can Continue to be Friends/Acquaintances with the Affair Partner
Believe it or not, I hear this in my office a lot-and not only from the unfaithful partner. People often think that with good boundaries, everyone can heal and be friends at the end of this messy train ride. No.
You must accept that once that boundary is broken once (especially if the encounter was sexual), a platonic friendship can never exist again. Maintaining a relationship with the affair partner is putting your marriage at risk for another betrayal. It’s essential that all contact with the affair partner discontinues.
There are some circumstances in which you cannot avoid the affair partner, such as if it’s a co-worker or someone who attends the same club or church. In those cases, it’s important to put as many barriers in place as possible and be honest with the betrayed partner about each and every interaction you have with the affair partner. This is how you rebuild trust, brick by brick.
Myth 6: The Details of the Affair Should be Kept a Secret and Not Discussed
Involved partners often tell themselves they are sparing the betrayed partner’s feelings by keeping the details to themselves. They fear this information will hurt and continue traumatizing their partner. It also sucks to relive and talk about the events. The level of disclosure should be determined by the betrayed partner’s need to know information, and the couple must work together to achieve full disclosure.
Shame can only live within secrecy, and darkness keeps us in shame. By not being transparent when the betrayed partner explicitly asks for information, distrust continues to brood. The human brain doesn’t like holes in understanding, and it’s very good at making up stories to fit that hole. If the betrayed partner doesn’t get answers, their brain will create scenarios and they will continue obsessing over the events. Everyone is different in how much they want to know, but once that’s determined by the betrayed partner, openness will be the key to healing.
Myth 7: Talking About the Affair Keeps the Pain Alive and Makes it Worse
Avoidance is never the answer. Many couples decide to bury the affair and “move on” without taking the necessary time to go through the factors that led to the affair and create safe boundaries for emotional exploration. This is a recipe for completely exploding when you face a particularly salient trigger.
Like any other painful topic (death, illness, depression, life transitions, etc.), NOT talking about it is what makes it worse. There’s tremendous value in voicing your fears out loud, acknowledging and labeling your thoughts and feelings, and clearly communicating with your partner. Avoidance leads to long lasting resentments and impedes healing; openness and vulnerability lead to connection.
Myth 8: You’ll Never Be Able to Trust Your Partner Again
It makes sense that the betrayed partner would question if they can ever trust their partner again, because trust has been broken in a big way. If the unfaithful partner does not disclose what’s being asked, gets defensive in conversations about the affair, and is not actively taking steps to engage in affair recovery, rebuilding trust will be infinitely harder.
I like to think about rebuilding trust as building a wall brick by brick. It takes time, it’s gradual, it’s intentional, it’s important to be careful and assure stability before moving on. The challenging thing is that one break in trust can tear the whole thing down, and quickly. Consistency, reliability, transparency, and a commitment to the relationship are the components that will enable rebuilding trust. The involved partner can take accountability, express remorse, and engage in trustworthy behavior to assist in rebuilding trust. It can be hard and when triggers pop up; the betrayed partner may question if they should be trusting. Be patient with the process, because it can take a long time, but it will be worth it.
Myth 9: Your Relationship is Doomed
Many victims of infidelity feel like the relationship is doomed and can never be fixed, which makes sense to me. There’s been significant pain and betrayal, so this fear is absolutely valid. One of the initial reactions after the discovery of an affair is that the betrayed partner questions everything about the relationship and everything they knew to be true until this point in time. It’s hard to see through those doubts to have hope that things will get better.
Trust me, I wouldn’t be doing this work if I believed all couples who experience infidelity are doomed. Remember, infidelity is not uncommon. It’s a huge part of my practice. I’ve had the privilege of sitting with hundreds of couples over the years who are dedicated to opening up, expressing vulnerability in new ways, and connecting with their partners on a deeper level than they ever thought possible. Believe it or not, it’s true that couples often end up having a better relationship after an affair that they had before. The changes needed to heal from an affair are the same changes that improve relationships and bring people together. Who knew?
Myth 10: Time Heals All Wounds
Time is an essential part of affair recovery, but time alone is not sufficient. Time is not a magical cure-all; if you close your eyes, wait, and hope for the best, I doubt your relationship will get very far. Healing requires active efforts towards change, commitment to working on the relationship, self reflection, and personal growth.
Allowing time to pass while simply piling up unprocessed trauma and grief will assuredly not work. Time will help once you’ve put in the work, and try your best. If you make the effort, emotions and thoughts will become less distressing over time, and you’ll begin to have fun with your partner again. In a few years, this moment will feel so foreign to you. Seeing that progress alone is worth recovering.
Get the Support You Really Need
Because your friends, family, and even other professionals (such as medical doctors, clergy, or lawyers) often believe these myths to be true, I highly recommend getting additional support in your healing journey from someone with specialization in affair recovery. Support groups and workshops from trusted resources can also be beneficial.
You’ll want to have the guidance and support that will lead to optimal recovery and healing, not utilizing information that will keep you stuck, festering, and building resentments. As there’s no one size fits all approach, you have to explore to figure out what will work for your relationship. Don’t give up, you can get through this tough time.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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