What Does Recovery from Infidelity Look Like?
Most people say that if their partners were ever unfaithful, they would be gone. “If he cheats on me, I’m out! I know my worth.” Most people can’t fathom this breach of trust. The problem with this thinking is the issue is normally a lot more complex than someone just engaging in the act.
The involved partner often has unresolved trauma, self-esteem, and/or entitlement issues that have contributed to the problem. I want to be clear; this does not mean they have an excuse or that engaging in the behavior is justified. It means simply that the bigger picture has contributed to a cycle of poor decisions. The first step, get a specialized infidelity therapist that can help you navigate this difficult time. In the second step, I have highlighted areas that can help refine the relationship to build trust again.
Transparency
When trust is broken, it feels like there is a huge gap in understanding who your partner really is. For your partner to build trust, they need to understand that you are capable of being open and honest about who you are now. As an infidelity therapist, I normally say to my clients “Transparency looks like being available to show your text, phone calls, and emails.” It can feel icky and invasive at times. But I let them know that it will not always be this way.
This is just a piece of the equation to bridge the gap between dishonesty to trust. The hurt partner did not ask to feel insecure about your relationship. Believe me, they hate it! Transparency looks different for each person, and we set these guidelines up in the first couple of sessions. When the involved partner (the one who engaged in the affair) acts in defensiveness about being transparent, it only solidifies to the hurt partner that you are not trustworthy.
The Details of The Affair
It may seem counterproductive to the involved partner to discuss details about the affair with the hurt partner. Just like transparency with your behaviors as discussed above, being honest about the details of the affair helps your partner not feel like you have a whole other life and world they know nothing about and aren’t privy to. Knowing about the timeline and first interactions makes the hurt partner feel more in the loop about what happened. With full transparency, anger can peak, but ultimately the stage will be set for connection and understanding.
Pre-Affair/Post-Affair
Start to look at your relationship as being transformed. In therapy, we will create stronger communication skills and process traumas (both big T and little t traumas). It’s likely this will be the first time you are even talking on this level as a couple, which creates a healthier relationship than before the affair.
One hurt partner I worked with said, “Jennifer, I don’t want to give any gratitude to my husband having an affair as a reason for the current strengths in our relationship.” That really resonated with me because who wants to celebrate one of the worst pains you can feel in your life-your partner being unfaithful? However, it’s not about giving recognition to the act of the affair, it’s about looking at your relationship from a different lens.
Let’s use this train wreck of a situation for our benefit. Some people go through traumatic injuries and must learn to adapt to other areas of their life. In the same way, infidelity can feel like a horrible wreck and we need to find a different way of living to help us be vulnerable. This is where trust is earned.
Affair Recovery Helps With a Trained Therapist
Couples often attempt to heal from infidelity on their own, and I’ve seen it happen, but very rarely. There are many aspects to relationships and emotional healing that I believe couples can do without the help of therapy (although therapy is usually a helpful way to get to your goals quicker and with less pain), but for affair recovery, I highly suggest you seek out a therapist with specialized training and a passion for working with infidelity.
It is complex, traumatic, and almost impossible to know what each person should do next. You’ll be so grateful to have someone who understands both perspectives, knows how to move through the situation with compassion, and can confidently implement new tools and strategies you’ll need to heal and reconnect. You deserve to fully recover, whether you end up staying together or not, and you don’t have to do it alone.
My name is Jennifer Anderson and I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate and a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate with the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples who are looking to build strong and secure relationships, who are ready to take accountability for their own actions, and who are willing to make changes and increase vulnerability to grow closer and enhance the connection in their relationship. I help couples and individuals in the League City, Kemah, and Houston, Texas areas, and residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. I’d love to help!
Begin Affair Recovery in League City, TX
If you and your partner have experienced infidelity in your relationship, it's important to seek the help of one of our skilled therapists to begin the journey of affair recovery. Don't wait any longer to take action - begin the process of healing and rebuilding trust in your relationship with the Center for Couples Counseling, by following these three simple steps:
Meet with one of our skilled affair recovery therapists
Begin to heal your relationship and build trust with your partner in a healthy way!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At the Center for Couples Counseling, we understand you or your relationship may be facing different challenges. To help you work on yourself and your relationship, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety, and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!