Someone Who Gets It: Moving from Couples Therapy to Individual Support
A Safe Place to Land
Couples therapy is often about finding out whether both people want to meet each other in the work, and whether what they think they want is what they actually need. A therapist's job is to reflect back whether the couple's efforts line up with their goals. When efforts, goals, and what's actually unfolding in the relationship stop lining up, the therapist's job becomes supporting the transition of what's in the best interest of each person.
Sometimes that means one partner stays on with the therapist once couples work has ended (ideally with a closing session). The understanding is that after this transition, there's no going back to couples work with that same therapist. The therapist's alignment has shifted, and we want to avoid the natural biases that build over time.
Maybe the couple moves on to another therapist who clicks better with both of them. Maybe they pause and each see individual therapists for a while before resuming couples work. It can look many ways, as long as everyone's roles are clearly defined.
Usually it's pretty obvious who connected best with the couples therapist. So far, there haven't been any thumb wars over who stays on with me. Ethically, a therapist lets both partners know that either one may ask to continue if the couples work reaches an impasse. The partner who doesn't continue isn't left on their own. I offer referrals to individual therapists I trust and help make that handoff as smooth as possible.
It's also worth knowing that not every therapist works this way. Some have a policy against continuing with either partner individually. Confidentiality also shifts once the work becomes individual: what you share one-on-one is no longer part of a shared couples space. If this is something you're considering, ask your therapist how they handle it.
Holding the Whole Picture
Whether the couple stays together or separates, the therapist supports their now-individual client in working out how to navigate their relationships and life. They do it with extra context about the person their client is in a relationship with, context an individual therapist usually doesn't have.
We've seen how the sausage is made, not just heard about the so-called ingredients.
We know the history. We have ideas about attachment patterns. We saw the relational struggles firsthand, so we can weave that knowledge into how we support the individual in more precise and attuned ways. This can be very validating for the client who stays to do the work.
Transitioning to individual work can look like:
Building trust. The client forms a deep rapport with someone who "gets it."
Reassessing goals. We look at where they are in the relationship, or whether they want to shift to work or other topics for a while. I've noticed that when we get close to certain wounds, clients sometimes move back and forth between work and their relational struggles. I welcome this as a natural part of the process. It's often uncanny how their struggles at work (not receiving respect, having their competence questioned, struggling to advocate for themselves) tie into where they struggle with family, friends, and partners.
Grieving. If they're separating, we acknowledge and process the grief, including missing their partner. As therapists, we have to hold that we may have seen their partner or ex-partner at their "worst." We try to honor what was nourishing and special about a relationship that needs to change dramatically or close.
Releasing rage. I hold space for, and support, cathartic ways of letting out anger. Maybe that's booking a Rage Room. Maybe it's going outside and smashing eggs (though eggs have gotten quite expensive). Maybe it's tearing up pictures or writing poems. I also offer a practice called a Release & Renewal Ceremony. We describe and explore it together in session, and sometimes I support clients in carrying out parts of it during session.
Exploring core wounds. We go deeper into attachment patterns, examining their deepest fears and where those fears began. Here's looking at you, early caregivers!
Identifying flags. I have clients write lists of red, yellow, and green flags for this and future relationships and bring them into session, where we discuss examples of each. What do they want to stay mindful of? If they start dating while they're still seeing me, we can refer back to those lists to make sure they aren't ignoring flags because of New Relationship Energy.
Strengthening self-care and self-esteem. Homework here might be journaling, reading, booking regular massages, or scheduling time to cry or scream. I point out where they might be bargaining or compromising themselves too much. I encourage them to develop and repeat mantras, rehearse hard conversations, and practice saying what they wish they could say to people in their lives.
Navigating new relationships. We use what they learned about their role in the last relationship, and what did and didn't work, as a reference point. This is one of the most rewarding parts of the work. I get a front-row seat to their growth as they show up in new connections, notice what those connections bring up, and reflect on handling things in ways they're proud of.
A Special Kind of Support
Some of the most meaningful work I do is with clients who started seeing me as part of a couple and stayed on after couples therapy was no longer viable. My rapport with these clients often feels special. I get an extra "confidante" boost: I hold the bigger picture and impart skills while staying focused on my client's well-being. I can reflect on their choices and motivations more clearly and candidly, and they trust that it comes from an informed and relatable place. It's similar to how venting to coworkers about your boss feels different from venting to your partner or friends.
I simply "get it" in a way others can't, however supportive and empathetic they are.
So if couples work reaches its end, know that you don't have to start over with a stranger. You can choose to stay on and keep growing with someone who already knows your story.