Building Shared Reality: Attunement Through Reflections and Questions
Do you watch your partner’s face and make up stories about what it means? Do you try to gauge their mood and operate on whatever vibe you’re feeling from them? As social animals, we all do this to different degrees to aid us in working together and belonging.
Last week we learned about attunement in conflict repair. What about when mis-reading creates conflict? Where it gets tricky is believing your interpretation of your partner’s mood and not getting shared reality with them or believing them when they share how they feel.
Have you ever been in this scenario?:
“Are you mad at me?”
“No, I’m not mad at you.”
“Are you sure? You look mad.”
“I’m annoyed about a work thing. I guess I just have mad face?”
“I think you’re upset about what happened last night.”
“Nah. I’m feel okay about that.”
“I don’t think you are. I can tell you’re annoyed.”
“I mean… I’m getting annoyed now!”
Why does this happen?
One person is so attached to their interpretation of their partner’s feelings that they dismiss what they’re being told. Often, we personalize someone’s expression or mood to be about us. This is so human! The skill of trying to accurately read ones we love is a matter of survival. Maybe one or both of you grew up with caretakers whose moods shifted frequently or who lied about their true feelings to avoid conflict, so you learned people can be unreliable narrators about their own experience. Maybe your partner does this and there’s legitimate reason to question their share. And, a healthy and loving relationship requires trust and extending trust means believing our partners when they tell us their subjective experience.
Skills to improve shared reality:
“I statements” & owning your story and calling it that. This offers openness to being lovingly corrected in your assessment.
Use open-ended questions. i.e. “How are you feeling?” v “Are you mad at me?”
“You seem…” This is naming with humility what emotional information we’re receiving based on their face, body language, and tone.
Reflection Practice:
I lead an exercise with couples called Watermelon. Where the couple chooses a neutral multi-syllable word like Watermelon and says it repeatedly to their partner with different affects to try to portray different emotions. Their partner reflects back, “You seem…” The person emoting can rate with their fingers the accuracy of their partner’s interpretation if they wish. This practice helps couples attune and have mutual understanding about how they’re coming off and what’s being received.
Let’s re-write the earlier scene using more descriptions and ownership language:
“I notice your brow is furrowed. You seem upset. I have a story you’re angry with me about what happened last night. How are you feeling?”
“Oh. I didn’t realize my furrowed brow. That makes sense. I’m not upset about what happened last night. I was just thinking about a meeting at work today. I’m feeling frustrated about how it went.”
Look how quickly it’s possible to get on the same page when we’re descriptive. Yes, it’s more words, and it saves time and hurt feelings in the long run.
If you want to learn how to lean into the vulnerability of sharing your interpretations with your partner and gain attunement skills, we’re here to help you.
Do you have blocks that need more support? Sign up for an intensive and experience the shift dedicated time can create in your relationships!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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