Why You Keep Fighting Like You're 10: Understanding the Adaptive Child in Your Relationship
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, only to realize—much later—that your reaction felt oddly disproportionate? Maybe you slammed a door, shut down entirely, or blurted something cruel that didn’t quite match the moment. According to renowned couples therapist Terry Real, this isn’t just a bad mood or a communication lapse. It’s often the adaptive child in you taking the wheel.
What Is the Adaptive Child?
Terry Real’s framework for relational health distinguishes between three key parts of the self: the wounded child, the adaptive child, and the functional adult. The adaptive child is not your worst self—it’s your smartest young self. It's the version of you that developed strategies to survive a home or environment where you had to protect yourself emotionally, physically, or psychologically.
When you were young and vulnerable, you learned quickly what kept you safe or got you love. Maybe that meant being the caretaker, staying quiet, being perfect, staying angry, or staying away. Those coping skills were brilliant at the time. They helped you navigate difficult or even painful dynamics. But now, decades later, you may find yourself reacting with those same ingrained behaviors in your adult intimate relationships—even when they no longer serve you.
Signs Your Adaptive Child Is Running the Show
In couples therapy, we often see the adaptive child show up in moments of conflict. Terry Real describes the adaptive child as rigid, black-and-white, perfectionistic, reactive, and often mistrustful. Here are a few signs you’re in adaptive child mode:
You feel the urge to punish, withdraw, or “win” the fight.
You think in extremes: “You always do this,” “You never care about me,” “I can’t trust you.”
You shut down emotionally or become explosive, without access to empathy.
You operate from a story about your partner instead of what’s happening in the present moment.
The adaptive child tends to view conflict as danger. It’s not concerned with connection or growth—it’s focused on self-preservation.
Why This Matters in Your Relationship
When both partners are reacting from their adaptive child, there is no adult in the room. No one is grounded, empathetic, or curious. Instead, you have two younger versions of yourselves—often about 8, 10, or 12 years old—trying to solve adult problems with childlike tools. No wonder things escalate or go in circles.
This doesn’t mean you’re immature or broken. It means your nervous system and relational wiring were shaped in early life, and unless you've done the work to update those patterns, they're still operating
behind the scenes.
Moving From Adaptive Child to Functional Adult
Terry Real teaches that healing comes from recognizing when the adaptive child is present and choosing to shift into your functional adult—the part of you that can hold complexity, regulate your emotions, stay relational, and act with intention rather than reactivity.
In couples therapy, we help partners:
Identify Their Adaptive Strategies
One person may become aggressive, another may go numb. One may try to fix everything, while the other stonewalls. Understanding your own default mode is key.Uncover the Origin Story
Most adaptive child responses were born from pain—neglect, unpredictability, chaos, pressure. Giving these parts compassion (rather than shame) is the first step to disarming them.Build the Functional Adult Muscle
Just like you train at a gym, building your functional adult takes practice. This means learning to pause before reacting, speak vulnerably instead of defensively, and tolerate the discomfort of staying connected even when you’re upset.Co-Regulate in Real Time
You and your partner can learn to soothe each other and yourselves—creating a dynamic where the adaptive child doesn’t need to jump in so often.
A Real-Life Example
Imagine a partner who snaps, “I guess I just don’t matter to you!” when their spouse forgets an anniversary dinner. This isn’t just about the missed date—it’s a young part of them panicking, reliving past moments of being forgotten or dismissed. When that adaptive child leads, it demands proof of worth through guilt or accusation.
Now imagine that same partner, from their functional adult, saying: “I’m feeling really hurt and unimportant right now. Can we talk about what happened?” Same pain, different tone—one invites a fight, the other invites connection.
Final Thoughts
The next time you feel like your reaction is bigger than the situation—or your partner is acting like someone much younger—pause and ask: Is this my adaptive child speaking? Learning to recognize and lovingly interrupt these moments is one of the most powerful changes you can make in your relationship.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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Contact us to schedule an appointment
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