The Feedback Wheel: Wield Soft Power to Win Connection
Do you get stuck in the same arguments over and over? Do you spend so much time arguing over facts that you lose sight of the original topic? Maybe you string together incidents as evidence of wrong-doing. Then, the other person is caught up in arguing their case and both people end up feeling un-heard and resentful. Are you so concerned about being right that you sacrifice connection? A lot of people bring complaints to their partner with no solution.
How do we give feedback and make requests with “soft power?”
One equalizer is Terry Real’s Feedback Wheel. This tool allows both parties to share using:
1. Objective observation. These are events or behaviors that could have been recorded by a video camera. Coming home late, slamming a door, leaving without warning, rolling of eyes, etc.
2. Subjective story. Share your interpretation of events as if it’s an untested theory. Helpful phrases: “The story I make up is…,” “I made that mean…,” “I imagine…”
3. Feelings. Share one or two potent feelings. i.e. “heartbroken.” Pro tip: Consult a feelings wheel. Avoid ambiguous words like “torn.” Avoid “I feel like…” anything following that is a judgment/interpretation.
4. Expressing needs/requests. Keep these concise, concrete, and trackable. What would they say? When or how would it happen? What would it look like?
EXAMPLE:
Objective observation: “When you cut me off during a story in front of our dinner guests…”
Subjective story: “I made up that you found me annoying.”
Feelings: “I felt disrespected and embarrassed.”
Expressing Needs: “Next time, I need you let me know your state before arriving home and maybe take a few minutes to decompress before joining the family.”
Other Factors to Keep in Mind
Timing: I recommend checking with your partner about when to share these. Do they want advance notice of a conversation or to receive feedback ASAP? Each person might be different in their preferences. We often see people playing out what they would prefer to receive, so it’s wise to double-check. Maybe you share these things during your regular check-ins.
Quantity: Only share one thing at a time! So, you feel confident in doing this feedback wheel, and there are interconnected factors for your upset, I get the temptation to include multiple topics in one sitting. Choose one thing you’d really like to sink and see improve. It’s possible a ripple effect occurs that resolves those other concerns.
Setting the tone: I recommend, when bringing feedback, to offer what you hope the byproduct of the conversation to be. This is not a headline of the topic. This is sharing the value for both of you in having the conversation. What are you advocating for? What do you hope to collectively gain should the request be followed-through? This can immediately lower the other person’s defenses if they see you’re coming to them with a desire for teamwork rather than a “We need to talk…” tone. *An example of this is featured below in my AIR Flow.
Sharing your value for the request: Some people are resistant to change. Some people might see the request as arbitrary and won’t be enrolled in it, even if they say they are. It can help get them on board if you share the difference it would make for you, especially both of you, if they did what you’re asking.
Sky’s Spin on this!
AIR (Accountability, Impact, & Repair) Flow
SHARING IMPACT EXAMPLE:
1. Enroll: “I have a share to help us with mutual respect. Are you available?”
2. Truth Statement: “When you cut me off while sharing a story in front of our dinner guests, I felt disrespected and embarrassed.”
3. Empathy/Positive Regard: “I imagine you had a difficult day at work and didn’t have time to release your frustrations.”
4. Request: “In the future, my want is for you to let me know your state before arriving home and maybe take a few minutes to decompress before joining the family.”
+ Shared value: “If you did this, I imagine it would give you time and space to be more centered and present for family and friend time, which would mean more connection and affection going to bed.”
5. Check for impact/collaboration: “How do you feel hearing that? Do you have any ideas for a good solution?”
The accountability piece comes in when we recognize we’ve wronged someone, and we flip the share to own our part.
ACCOUNTABILITY EXAMPLE:
Enroll: “I have a share about wanting to improve on showing respect. Are you available?”
Share: “When I cut you off mid-story at dinner the other night and I saw your face fall, I felt guilty.”
Empathy/Positive Regard: “I imagine you felt embarrassed and hurt. / How did you feel about that?”
Commit/Re-commit: “I will take a few minutes for decompressing by (going running, using the home gym, taking a shower, etc.) between work and dinner events.”
Check for impact/collaboration: “How do you feel hearing that? Do you have any ideas for a good solution?”
Final Thoughts
Either approach is based on preference. I’ve been practicing my AIR version of this for several years in my own relationships. The primary ingredients are the same. Objective event + subjective and humble meaning-making + sharing feelings + a request for changed behavior. I do find enrolling, negotiating timing, and offering perspective-taking to be helpful in lowering defensiveness.
Teamwork and repair happen when both people feel heard and actionable steps are taken to care for each other as requested. This Feedback Wheel or AIR Flow could be a pivotal tool you need to get un-stuck and shift squabbling to solutions. If you can own your impact and story from a sovereign place, it limits room for arguing facts and keeps us grounded in our feelings when sharing. Feelings are more connecting than facts. And we can’t cuddle facts at night.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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