Value of Sexual Feedback: From Awkward Silence to Empowered Pleasure
Do you and your sexual partner have natural chemistry and know exactly what to do? Are you relying solely on nonverbal cues? Did you used to feel spot on with your partner and over time it…changed? Do you think your current partner likes exactly the same things as your previous sexual partners? How many assumptions are you making about what your partner likes and doesn’t?
My clients get stuck talking about sexual intimacy. Not talking about having sex. Based on the commonality of desire discrepancy, they talk about frequency A LOT. It’s important to talk about the how and the why of sex. Let’s find ways to talk about the sex you want to be having, sex worth having.
Things people might want to (and sometimes don’t) give feedback on:
Pace
Pressure
Angle or favorite positions
Desiring more or less foreplay
Preferred time of day or duration
Activities they really don’t enjoy (but think they should)
Enjoyed types of toys and how to use them
Preferred safety methods
Use of tongue
Needing more lube
Desiring more aftercare; in the form of cuddling, bathing, etc.
The primary concerns of my clients with giving direct, explicit feedback seem to fall into these categories:
fear of offending the other person
it’s not “natural”
the discomfort of “bargaining”
fear of “making things awkward” or “ruining the mood”
Of course, there are many valid reasons to shy about giving feedback:
early socialization; including family values, religion, etc
sexual assault
lack of sexual education
poor body image
genuine ignorance about what feels good
*this might be your sign for solo masturbation to find what feels good for you.
Why ask for changes?
Why is it worth risking being vulnerable and awkward? Well, it might sound counterintuitive… yet having really fucking awkward and vulnerable conversations build more comfort and intimacy. It’s a bid for connection.
I worked with a couple where one person didn’t even like to use the word sex. We spent a lot of time talking about their aversions, associations, and what happens in their bodies when they think about asking directly or giving feedback. The other person was okay saying the word and wished they could figure out a better way to initiate and know at what places to stop. Together, they came up with phrases to indicate different types of intimate activities.
One partner named a “layer of seriousness.” When they were more direct about their desires, they could have more fun. And their “nonverbals of shared looks and energy” improved as a result because they were more confident!
One was concerned making direct requests back and forth would feel like “bargaining” and that would be awkward or get them into unintentional power dynamics. Contrarily, when people feel safe to share desires as options… more like a buffet than a fixed menu, it evens the power dynamic and creates more flow and collaboration. One said that hearing their partner share conversationally with confidence “meant a lot.” And, it had them “feel more wanted.”
“I don’t have to wonder if what I’m offering is enough.”
Once they started implementing some things we discussed, during their next session they expressed, relieved, how much better it was to “see it in action” and “put more emphasis on direct requests in the moment.” It took the guessing games out of it. They could get out of their heads; the slippery slope mentality, the self-blame or stories about attractiveness, or did they mess up, and into the moment of touch together.
“Being more open takes the pressure off.”
I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, almost half of our lives now. In that time, the context of our relationship, bodies, stress and responsibility levels have changed many times. Sometimes toward each other, and sometimes there are temporary blocks, or some areas are under construction. Being able to openly discuss what we want in each interaction, how we want initiation adjusted in different headspaces, and how each of us can guide the other toward our pleasure has been an invaluable tool in our relationship.
Next week, we’ll discuss specific tools and methods for giving feedback.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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