Why Gratitude Isn’t Toxic Positivity: Making Space for Both Joy and Frustration
I typically start hearing about the holidays from my couples in late September/early October. Every year, it seems people start having conversations earlier and earlier to get ahead of managing the stress and chaos, while most of the messaging and theme of Thanksgiving revolves around gratitude and thankfulness. As November rolls in, social media fills with daily gratitude posts, family gatherings, and reminders to “focus on the good.” Gratitude is wonderful — it helps couples reconnect, soften defenses, and appreciate what’s working.
But sometimes, gratitude gets twisted into something else entirely: pressure to only feel thankful, even when things are hard. That’s when it turns into toxic positivity — the belief that we should be happy, grateful, or optimistic no matter what’s happening. And I can tell you one thing for sure, there’s A LOT of not happy things happening around the holidays.
When gratitude becomes a performance rather than a practice, it can actually shut down honesty, block connection, and make partners feel unseen.
Having an honest conversation with your partner can be filled with both gratitude and uncomfortable feelings.
The Problem with “Just Be Grateful”
Many couples hear (or tell themselves) things like:
“At least we have a roof over our heads — why are you still upset?”
“You should be thankful; some people have it worse.”
“We’ve been fighting, but at least we’re together. Let’s just move on.”
While these statements come from a desire to stay positive, they often have the opposite effect. They minimize feelings and prevent meaningful repair. Telling someone that they should be grateful for something when they’re sharing feeling isolated or overwhelmed often leads to shut down, internalized guilt, and shame.
What’s happening here isn’t a lack of gratitude — it’s the absence of emotional permission. Most people aren’t ungrateful; they’re human.
Gratitude and frustration can coexist.
Real Gratitude Makes Room for Real Feelings
Healthy gratitude doesn’t demand that we ignore what’s wrong. It invites us to notice what’s good while still naming what’s hard.
For couples, this balance is crucial. When one partner insists on “staying positive,” it can make the other feel like their pain is unwelcome. Over time, this creates emotional distance.
Real connection sounds more like:
“I’m grateful for you — and I’m also feeling really disconnected lately.”
“This season has been stressful, and I appreciate that we’re trying.”
“I love our family, and I also need more support right now.”
When both partners can express gratitude and truth, their relationship deepens. Gratitude becomes grounding rather than dismissive.
Practical Tools for Practicing Grounded Gratitude
If you want to bring more authentic gratitude into your relationship (without slipping into toxic positivity), here are some ways to start:
1. Use “Both/And” Language
Try replacing “but” with “and.” For example:
“I love you, and I’m frustrated about how we’re communicating.”
“I’m thankful for this home, and I’m feeling cramped and overwhelmed.”
This simple shift allows gratitude and frustration to coexist, reducing shame and opening dialogue.
2. Make Gratitude Specific
Generic gratitude (“I’m thankful for you”) is nice — but specific gratitude hits deeper. Try saying:
“I appreciated how you handled bedtime when I was exhausted.”
“Thank you for giving me space during that conversation earlier.”
When gratitude points to effort or intention, it builds trust and motivation for change.
3. Schedule Check-Ins, Not Just Celebrations
Don’t save appreciation for holidays or milestones. Build a weekly check-in where each of you shares:
One thing you appreciated this week.
One thing that felt hard or off.
One thing you’d like to do differently next week.
This keeps gratitude from becoming a performance and makes it part of your emotional rhythm.
4. Normalize Negative Emotions
When your partner shares something difficult, resist the urge to fix it or redirect to the positive. Instead, try:
“That sounds really heavy.”
“I can see why you feel that way.”
“I’m here with you.”
Acceptance often brings more healing — and more authentic gratitude — than forced optimism ever could.
Gratitude as a Pathway, Not a Pressure
Gratitude, when practiced with honesty, helps couples see the full picture — the messy and the meaningful. It softens defensiveness and invites curiosity.
In couples therapy, we often remind partners that gratitude isn’t the opposite of pain; it’s a way to hold both. When you practice grounded gratitude, you’re not pretending everything’s okay — you’re saying, “Even in this, I see what’s good. And I still want more for us.”
Ready to Reconnect This Season?
If you and your partner are struggling to feel thankful or close during this season, therapy can help. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your relationship is to create space for both gratitude and frustration — the real kind that leads to growth, not guilt.
At the Center for Couples Counseling, we help partners move beyond emotional shutdown and rediscover the connection they’ve been missing. Whether you need weekly therapy or a focused couples intensive, we offer structured, compassionate support to help you rebuild trust, communication, and appreciation that feels real.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
Start Couples Therapy in League City, TX
Are you and your partner struggling with marital issues? Looking to build a strong and secure relationship? At Center For Couples Counseling, you and your partner can learn to reconnect, create a healthy relationship, and gain support from our skilled couples therapists. To get started with couples therapy follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our caring couples therapists
Begin working on your relationship and reconnect with your partner.
Other Services Offered At Center For Couples Counseling
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