Brave Heart: Healing Through Resisting Cut-Off Culture
We’ve talked a lot this series about the reasons for and potential pitfalls of cut-off. We get scared, angry, fatigued… and sometimes distance or full disconnection seems like the best option. Sometimes, it actually is. And often it keeps us caught in a loop of never healing the part of us that is wounded once someone or something rubs against the scar.
A constant tension between self-preservation and social obligation.
We tend to closely link longevity of a connection with “success.” Sometimes, I hear couples come in and say they want to stay together because they’ve been together so long, and they don’t want to throw that away. When they say this I ask questions about the quality of their relationship so far and what they need to feel excited about continuing.
Just because a connection is long doesn’t mean it’s healthy or fulfilling.
In December of this year, my husband and I celebrate half our lives together. I’m proud of that not necessarily because of the duration, but because we’ve been really healthy and connected in that time. The times in which we’ve struggled, we’ve teamworked and grown through it. Reflecting on the Sound House blog, we practice a majority of the concepts a majority of the time. Because I’ve been with him since 18, and we’ve grown up together, I too used to have a bias that longevity was worthy of more respect. After gaining more personal and professional insight into the dynamics that form in relationships of any length, I now place less assumption that longer equals better.
At the same time, I see the harm that occurs when cut-off is chosen too hastily.
While choice in continuing or discontinuing a relationship is not unique to non-monogamy, it is more explicit. What I find to be more prevalent in non-monogamy are fewer assumptions about what a relationship should look like and less concern about sunk-cost fallacy if it needs to change. There’s an open-mindedness about what is and isn’t functional in a connection. It might need to be adjusted rather than completely ending.
It doesn’t have to be not “Are we together or not?” It can be “How is it best to be together?”
What non-monogamy also opens the door for is ending a connection if it feels unsafe, unhealthy, etc. And, hopefully, there are more people to reflect whether this is the case. Just like in any relationship configuration, what eases these decisions, is one’s support network. It’s more difficult to leave an abusive partner if you don’t have friends, family, or are financially dependent on your partner. I see many couples where at least one partner doesn’t have many connections outside of the couple or immediate family unit. No one to talk to about their concerns if that feels inaccessible with their partner. This often negatively affects their mental health. For many who practice non-monogamy, particularly Polyamory, it’s just as much about building community as it is about having nourishing romantic connections.
And that community can help support or clarify your relationships.
Not taking a relationship for granted means realizing we choose each other every day. And some relationships have more enmeshment. A house, kids, pets, blended families… What is universally true is that family or romantic break-ups suck and often affect more than just one person. While there is some comfort for non-monogamous folks in knowing we will be supported through the loss by our friends and other partners, that doesn’t diminish the pain. I have experienced being cut-off without explanation or needing to cut-off a connection because there was too much contempt or vilification from the other person.
Feeling into whether a relationship is still tenable or has the potential to be nourishing again can be supported by a therapist who is capable of using a relational systems lens and will get curious about everyone’s behaviors in the situation.
Addressing the reasons why there need to be changes, if there’s any receptivity for that, can be taxing yet completely worth it. Giving voice to the parts of you that want to run and hide and being brave to advocate for your needs and see if the other person is willing to try to meet you, rather than assuming they don’t care or are incapable, can be powerfully healing. Both a gift to yourself and the relationship. Of course, this takes time to figure out, communicate, and put into practice. It takes vulnerability to have the hard conversations about what is and isn’t working in the relationship. Ultimately, I aim for commitment to connection so long as it is healthy and sustainable.
Whether it’s my husband or someone I more recently started dating, if my efforts are being met, I’ll keep trying to the extent we’re both leaning in and being honest.
If you’re weighing cut-off of a loved one and need support in making the decision that’s best for you now and in the long-run, we’re here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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