Does Helping Hurt: Choosing Care or Cut-Off
If not handled properly, helping those in need—mostly parents and other family members—can put a great deal of stress on our relationships, marriages, and ourselves. It can be difficult to volunteer to help a parent who lacks a sufficient retirement savings account, or to help a family member who is addicted or incapacitated…especially when you’re tapped out mentally, physical and financially. During these moments, we must ask ourselves, “Are we genuinely motivated to help our loved ones or is this a duty we are obligated to fulfill?”
Balancing Self-Care with Other Care
If you choose not to pay your father's rent, what could happen? If you choose not to take in your autistic brother, who will look after him? If you choose not to buy beer for your alcoholic mother, what do you fear will happen? Do you feel like caring for them is your responsibility? Does your faith require you to care for the needy? If you don't allow your mother-in-law to live in your home, will your husband file for divorce? Do you have to help? If you choose to do so, can you help without hindering yourself or others?
Pressures to Provide Care
You are free to choose the course of action that best suits your circumstances, even though familial, cultural, and religious forces can cause a great deal of pressure. Discussing such concerns with a qualified therapist can be beneficial because they can help identify ways to make better decisions for you and your loved one. You have the freedom to do what is best for you, which includes nurturing your relationships, personal development, and mental/physical health. To help better your circumstances, sometimes all you need is a new perspective, reliable treatment, resources and coping techniques. Terry Real believes that rather than condoning harmful conduct, assisting loved ones should entail empowering them to change, establishing healthy boundaries, and having "loving confrontations."
If you are supporting others:
Acknowledge the help you ARE offering and pat yourself on the back! You are positively impacting other people's lives by volunteering your time, money, and resources.
Support their autonomy: Sometimes we enable others because we think they are incapable of doing for themselves, when in fact, they are very capable. For example, it is okay for a disabled sibling to consider various modes of transportation (other friends and family, rideshare, public transportation, delivery service) if they are unable to drive. Sometimes, we really do need to practice cut-off in some areas to not drown, and that’s okay.
Ask your therapist about different strategies to incorporate boundaries amongst your tribe. For instance, don't feel pressured to respond to every request from a needy parent. Create a schedule that outlines specific dates/times to help with tasks like grocery shopping, doctor’s appointments, etc.
Get help! Are you the only person open to supporting your loved one? Discuss splitting tasks with other supportive family members, or maybe even seek out a home health aide.
Create Check-in rituals with your loved ones who are impacted by or are helping with care.
Resources. Resources. Resources. Research programs through various organizations that can be of assistance. For example, identifying a support group can assist with the overwhelming task of managing the emotional, informational, and practical challenges that come with supporting a family member with autism or any kind of neurodivergence or disability.
Overall, whether you choose to support others or not, being at peace with your decision can be daunting. But don’t fret, the Center for Couples Counseling provides qualified care from counselors who can assist you in navigating these murky Galveston waters.
My name is Naomi Arceneaux and I am an LPC-Intern at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples who are ready to stop hiding behind resentment or fear and start showing up with courage and clarity. Even if the future feels uncertain, there’s power in deciding to face it—together. I’m here when you’re looking to bravely move forward. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
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Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At the Center for Couples Counseling, we understand you or your relationship may be facing different challenges. To help you work on yourself and your relationship, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety, and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!