Set Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Bond
We associate New Years with opportunity. It's a time to assess and refresh our lives. In that assessment, we might find there are things in our relationship that just aren't working anymore. You want change. You want more teamwork. And you want those changes to last.
Enter shameless plug for couples counseling. The right therapist will help you have the hard conversations, identify areas for improvement, teach you skills, and help you stay accountable to your shared goals.
If you aren't in couples counseling yet, maybe you’re wondering "How do we have those hard conversations, figure out goals, and stay accountable to each other?"
When creating New Year's resolutions, most people make a list. Start there.
Make a list of things you want more of in your relationship. Be really specific about what that would look like. If it's more affection, where, when, and how is that happening? Is it increasing hugs and kisses during transitions? Is it affirmations? What do you need more of from your partner? What skills and external factors can help? The more specific, measurable, and attainable the goals are, the easier they are to visualize and put into action.
Even in creating this list, rather than focusing on the deficit, try to be aspirational. Instead of "you never do this, it sure would be nice if you..." Say "I want more..." "let's share more..."
Something else I like to do is consider my value on these things happening. Why is it important to me? It's much more motivating when you can identify and share how that action or goal will serve you both.
If the shared goal is saving money for a trip, rather than focusing on needing to tighten the belt or shaming yourselves for eating out too often, you can focus on how awesome and relaxing that trip is going to be and co-create a realistic budget. "Let's put this much away each month for that trip to [enter dream destination here]."
Okay, so you've made a super specific list of desires and needs for your relationship and are clear on why these things are important to you. Next is the even more vulnerable and potentially crunchy part… (And where a couples therapist can really help) sharing that list with your partner.
Remember when I asked you to keep the language aspirational? This is why. In your conversations with your partner, focus on what you want to build and the tools you have and use positive reinforcement.
Again, instead of "you never kiss me goodbye anymore," you could say "I really love when you kiss me goodbye when you leave for work. It helps me feel special and connected. Let's do that more."
Whether your goals are about intimacy, finances, parenting… this strategy applies. Highlight what the other person is already doing well and talk about how improving other areas will benefit your lives.
Now back to accountability. Once you've both identified goals, come up with an accountability system with each other. This might feel awkward at first, and it's totally worth it. Over time it builds trust and teamwork.
This might look like any combination of:
1. Keep that list of goals somewhere you both see it and say them out loud at least once a week. This makes it more true for your brain and therefore more likely to happen.
2. A shared calendar that tracks tasks
3. A regular check-in to discuss progress and support
4. A code word/phrase/gesture that checks on or positively affirms progress
5. Establishing a reward system (like saucy photos, a special date night, spicy bedroom time, a spa day, an item one or both have been wanting). The rewards can be shared or individual and unique to each person. Whatever is motivating.
There are few things more bonding than aligning on a purpose and moving toward that together. Even if you have separate goals, if you can support your partner in achieving them, you'll achieve a more secure connection. And that will serve you for years to come.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!