Why Does My Partner Do Everything Wrong?
Loading the dishwasher, folding the laundry, raising the kids, organizing our finances, putting the toilet paper roll on the holder backwards…how is it possible that my partner does everything wrong? Obviously there’s a correct way to do all of these things. Or is there? Believe it or not, these are issues that arise often in couples therapy, and it’s super fun to dive in and navigate these waters with my clients.
Of course, you cognitively understand that there’s no one right way to do pretty much anything in life (except for the toilet paper thing), but that’s not the place we tend to come from when we start picking our partner apart because they’ve done a task in a different way. Those conversations usually devolve into criticism, harshness, and trying to convince our partner that they’re wrong. From my experience, that never really works out in my favor.
We tend to take this self righteous stance because we either truly believe that we are right, or because that’s how we were taught to do it by our parents. As humans, we tend not to be as flexible as we’d like to be in moments when our childish side takes over and we dig in our heels to prove that we are right. While you’re reading this, your rational adult side is thinking “well obviously there are a ton of ways to do things, and it’s not fair for one person to dictate how something must be done or tell the other person their way is wrong/bad.”
But your adult self is not who shows up in relationships when things start to get tense or uncomfortable. Your adaptive child comes out, and that little bugger loves to be right, show others that they’re wrong, and lacks the flexible thinking required to navigate situations that highlight disagreements or opposing viewpoints. If you haven’t read my blog on the “who’s right and who’s wrong” debate many clients also have in my office, you’ll want to check it out. I’ll give you the reminder here that in relationships, there is no room for objective reality. Meaning, subjectively, both of your ways to fold laundry are the right ways, but how is fighting about that helpful to the relationship?
Many of us will fight to the death to get our partner to agree with us, or to see things the same way we see them. I can’t deny that’s my go-to strategy as well. However, in relationships it doesn’t matter if you’re right - it’s irrelevant. What matters is how do both partners feel cared for and loved while discussing the subject. You can be objectively correct about the efficiency in which you load the dishwasher, and if you demean and dismiss your partner during the conversation, become overbearing or make demands, and generally hurt your partner’s feelings, then you are wrong.
The way to care for yourself during these conversations while taking care of your partner at the same time is to learn to make direct requests and to shift from voicing complaints to sharing what you would like to see happen. Instead of “why can’t you fold the laundry right, you’re always ruining my clothes and causing me more work” (harshness, criticism, contempt, and complaints), shift to a direct request with clarity about what you need with some appreciation sprinkled in. For example, “I appreciate that you take on the responsibility of doing the laundry, and it would mean a lot to me if you fold my jeans this way and hang my shirts up so they don’t wrinkle as quickly. Can you do that?” You can also own your own needs, and explain that they may not be rational but that it would mean a lot to you. For example, “I know it’s a little weird that I like my shirt sleeves tucked in, but it helps me put them away easier so it’d mean a lot if you could help me with that.”
The other hard part of this-your partner’s answer may be no. They may not be able to fulfill your request, and that’s ok. You don’t have to like it, but they have to have safety and freedom within the relationship too. That’s when you have to make the tough choice to accept how they are going to do something and stop trying to gain control over that, or do the laundry yourself.
There are some big topics in relationships that are worthy of demands (where you live, the structure of the relationship, whether to be monogamous or not, etc.), but most things in relationships are flexible and not worthy of a demand. By acknowledging and accepting that not everything can be a certain way, you can be free of controlling expectations and have emotional intimacy with your partner.
Having differences is an opportunity to practice making requests, learning to meet your partner’s needs after they ask you for something, showing each other that you matter to one another, and exploring and learning about each other with curiosity. You can ask your partner why they do the laundry that way, or how they learned to budget. These are conversations that can help you feel emotionally closer to your partner, if you approach them with care and compassion instead of righteous indignation.