Platonic Touch Leads to Intimacy
When the subject of intimacy comes up, I often hear one client say they don't even hold hands and how touch starved they are and the other client say that if they touch their partner at all, their mind tells them it must lead to sex.
This is a slippery slope mentality. Though, more of a reality than fallacy for many.
Much of intimacy is assumed and unspoken between partners. People often feel awkward specifically naming what they want, giving feedback that could lead to more pleasure, or asking for consent.
There are a few factors that contribute to this silence. When we've been with partners for years, it's easy to assume what they like. It's even easier when they haven't told us otherwise.
Why haven't they told you? Let's see... there's religious upbringing, families who didn't touch or express their feelings, past relationships that might have shamed or punished feedback, negative messaging about their body, physical or sexual assault, a general lack of education on anatomy, pleasure, boundaries, and consent... There are so many foundational reasons people are not empowered in expressing how and when they want to be touched.
For many, this learned disempowerment, that might or might not have been unknowingly reinforced by the current partner, means touch is all - or - nothing.
If one partner is asking for sex consistently, possibly clumsily, and it's always gone the same way, and the other partner doesn't know how to say what would make them more receptive, or more enjoyable for themselves, the all - or - nothing mentality makes sense.
I sometimes hear the touch starved partner say that certain touches are "teasing." When their partner hears that, they mostly hear "You're not fully giving me what I want." This framing suggests that these types of touch are actually worse than no touch at all.
And to the touch starved partner, I get it. You have a natural, human craving for closeness that isn't being met and you've run out of ways to ask. That frustration builds until these types of remarks start coming out.
For the partner receiving them, these small remarks build a wall over time that might have been started long before you met them. That wall has graffiti that says "Your worth is only in sex. There’s something wrong with you. You're not being a good partner. If you touch me, it's on."
How do we break this pursuer-avoider cycle and establish more intimacy?
One answer is present, platonic touch.
What is the value of platonic touch? From a physical health perspective, it fosters a sense of safety, ease, decreases blood pressure, calms the nervous system, and increases longevity of life.
For mental or emotional health, you get to determine that for yourself. Recognize and verbalize to your partner what it means to you to hold hands, hug, have them sitting close to you, playing with your hair, resting their head on your shoulder... If you can share what you get emotionally, the other person will likely feel more enrolled and have less story about it being transactional and only to get sex.
So, how do you slow down, tend to your own embers of desire while adding coals to your partner’s fire?
First: It's important to recognize there is likely an established pattern of engagement and it takes time to re-wire those circuits. The important thing is to believe you, and especially the other person, are capable of change in your mind and heart. Even a sliver of this at the beginning sets you both up for more connection. Through the following practices, this belief will build and bear fruit over time.
Second: The person who has been pursuing needs to actively practice being the receiver. You might be thinking, you’ve given up pursuing and you’ve been waiting around for your partner to initiate and it's not happening, so why would this be different? What's different is your mood and mindset.
Rather than feeling jilted, resentful, and hurt, which shows up in your body language, tone, and energy, focus on the opportunity to celebrate engaging at your partner’s pace and comfort level. When they do initiate touch, express enjoyment without asking for more. They are likely exploring new muscles in understanding how to communicate their wants and needs. Approach it like witnessing a baby learning to walk and celebrate the milestone when they do.
A simple "This is nice," with a little squeeze, could go a long way.
Third: Don't be goal oriented when it comes to touch. That's where presence comes in. This is a practice.
Many are used to a grade or performance review in school or work. Many grew up seeing skewed examples of sex in movies and porn. These things combined create performance anxiety and/or the idea that intimacy is only or mostly through sex and is supposed to look a certain way.
These are the things to unlearn through gradual touch. Savor the touch you’re receiving at the moment. Stay there. Notice the sensations and breathe. If you slow down and take away the pressure of the end goal, it can be a profoundly healing process for both of you.
Fourth: Set up temporary boundaries for physical expectations. These can be established with the help of a couples counselor.
My typical suggestions are:
1. Take sex off the table. This might sound counter intuitive. However, if the pressure is taken off, if the all - or - nothing is gone, there's more space to explore touch in fun, new ways!
2. Agree on a timeframe to experiment with this new approach and have a check-in date established to see if you want to continue as-is or move to something else.
3. The partner who has been pursued will be the one to initiate touch.
4. The now receptive partner will match that touch and not push physically, verbally, or energetically for more. Again, this takes practice. Have patience with yourselves.
It turns out, co-creating and respecting boundaries is a hella turn on. When I ask for what I want, with words or touch, and it's respected, I receive positive reinforcement that what I want is okay and I can ask again. As my trust in my partner’s ability to be present with me builds, so does my desire for intimacy.
During sessions, I offer experiential practices to explore boundaries and desires. I hold space for the awkwardness and growth in verbalizing wants and developing shared reality on non-verbal communication. I empower couples to touch on the roots and the heart as well as the skin.
Let's get you holding hands in contentment and connection again!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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