'Tis the Season for a Code Word
Communication is hard and the learning process can look different for everyone. It can be challenging to remember that it’s going to take practice before we are particularly good at it. We have to give ourselves and our partners a break if we aren’t effective in every attempt at communication. We WILL mess up – we are only human. Establishing and maintaining effective and healthy communication takes a ton of work so when we come up on the holidays, it can be even more intimidating. It can be helpful to find a technique or tool that works for your relationship, stuff it in your pocket, and take it with you into any stressful conversations or family gatherings – just in case.
One of my favorite tools to use is the “code word”. Code words come in handy in multiple ways, for example, the “sum it up” code word. The “sum it up” code word is handy to have in place when we are feeling overwhelmed or stressed and are just ineffective in our attempts at communicating our needs to our partner. When things are calm, establish the meaning of your code word, “When I say ‘mockingbird’, I need you to understand that I am struggling to communicate my needs and feeling overwhelmed, I am not trying to argue and would like us to take a moment to calm down before the discussion escalates”. So much information there!
This is giving you a chance to take your time out, process what you need to say, and come back to the conversation in a more effective way without absolutely losing your shit in the moment! Great job!! Don’t forget that our code word is not meant to replace conversation but to give us a chance to take a step back and remember the goal of the conversation and what information we are trying to communicate with our partner.
Another version of using the “code word” system can be establishing your “I need help out of this situation” code word. Creating a code word that you and your partner have established as meaning, “I am feeling overwhelmed and need a break from this person/conversation/family event/situation” can be a huge benefit! We want to establish the primary goal of this code word as well as what our need is, “When I say, ‘fruit cup’, I need you to know that I am feeling overwhelmed and need you to help me find a way out of the situation/conversation’”. Our partners are our teammates, it is important to remember that we are there to support each other through the good times and the challenging times, so let that happen. I do not expect you to yell “fruit cup” to your partner across the room- a quick text will work!
I know this is a shock, but our partners cannot read our minds. What?! I know! We need to establish known information in order for our partner to be as supportive as we need them to be. We can work on increasing our understanding of our partner’s needs with time but if we find ourselves in a situation where we are still practicing our effective communication skills and want to make sure we survive stressful conversations or holiday events while in this practicing-but-not-perfect time, the “code word” is a very helpful technique to have on hand. Give it a try and see how it works for you!
Comment below if you’ve used this technique before, or once you try how did it work? What is your “code word”?