Building Together: Why I Specialize in Strengthening Relationships
Do you ever wonder why it might be difficult for your partner to trust, communicate openly, or meet you in affection? Do you pursue attention and clearly remember details of a conversation or event and your partner doesn't remember as clearly or withdraws when you ask for more connection? Or are you the other role? Do you have the same definition of fidelity? Do you have a shared understanding with your partner how trust is built, broken, and repaired?
I am passionate about working with couples, particularly around intentional relationships and intimacy based on my own journey.
I have been practicing consensual non-monogamy with my husband for over 13 of our 15-year relationship. Before we knew labels and concepts like Polyamory, non-hierarchical, and the difference between boundaries, rules, and agreements, we organically explored life and connecting with others through honesty. With ourselves, each other, and the people with whom we were and are connecting.
Disclaimer: I do not endorse a particular style of relating for others. I’ve seen time and again that opening an existing relationship to try to address instability ends in disaster. If some form of non-monogamy is something you're interested in exploring, I can bring my experience and tools to help you navigate it. Check out this book as a good resource to learn more.
This choice and what came to be my identity requires a lot of introspection, communication, and inevitable rupture and repair. We fortified our trust in each other by sharing about our other interests and relationships. We are good friends who check in and share what the other is comfortable hearing at the time. And, long before we itemized our values, we operated on similar value sets as a team that helped our relationship remain steady during stormy waters with others.
There has been much joy and heartbreak along the way. From relating with different partners throughout the years, we have learned much about ourselves regarding our values, attachment styles, conflict resolution, the difference between interdependence and codependence, and when someone's best simply isn't compatible with our own. We continue to refine what traits, communication, and behaviors contribute to healthy and sustainable relationships. We have learned to proactively communicate our intentions, desires, boundaries, safety, and requests with new and consistent people in our lives.
I also passionately advocate for body positivity and sexual health education and discussions (and I highly recommend Come As You Are as a resource!). Couples come in with varying levels of shame, ignorance, or avoidance discussing their bodies and intimacy with each other. My hope is to be someone who supports their journey to more celebration and fulfillment.
Many couples who experience infidelity might struggle to feel safe to discuss sexual mismatch or dysfunction for fear of hurting their partner. These physical manifestations might or might not be related to other concerns in the relationship or even past trauma. Or maybe there was an implicit rather than explicit agreement about which the terms weren't clear. Healthy intimacy is built on a foundation of reciprocal trust, vulnerability, empowerment, love language fulfillment, and comfort being our flawed selves with each other.
Learning about Attachment Theory helped bring into focus why I was ghosted many times, why conflict resolution is so difficult or volatile for many, why those close to me might struggle to access or extend positive regard, and much more. Attachment Theory explains many common patterns and phenomena of relating that help me understand how to best support myself, a partner, or a client. And, emotionally, understanding that people have relational patterns that pre-date me and are largely a product of their upbringing helps me have more compassion for them and myself and not shoulder responsibility for everything happening now. I know my patterns and I know theirs. I’ve learned to differentiate. I’ve learned how to heal rather than perpetuate dysfunctional dynamics.
What I often see with clients is tension between attachment styles, differing values, assuming the other's truth, and lack of clarity around what they want to build together.
I have created my own systems for communicating clearly, openly, and proactively that I utilize with clients and are applicable to any relationship style or identity. I get really excited when I use these tools with clients and witness the profound impact of co-creating a "custom" future together. Through the relating structures I offer, I have the honor of seeing couples gain self-awareness and connect with each other in real time. I feel so fulfilled when, after an exercise, the clients are facing each other and express feeling understood, lighter, and hopeful.