Scary Things in Relationships: Fear of Tears
Are you or your partner afraid of tears? When you see someone crying do you feel deeply uncomfortable, blame yourself, want to ask a lot of questions, or leave the room? When you cry do you feel unsure how to ask for comfort? Do you feel shut down or abandoned?
Tears are Helpful in Couples Therapy
In my counseling room and my life, I welcome tears. I have learned to find healthy neutrality as a witness & support and celebration for the person processing their feelings.
I see a lot of couples where one person needs to cry to release and their partner becomes so dysregulated that they unintentionally shame the person for crying, make the mental load worse, or leave the room or house.
If you’re someone who can’t stay centered when others are crying, I get it. You might have grown up in a household where someone was crying from abuse, used tears to manipulate, or blamed you for their feelings. When you cried, you were shamed, ignored, bullied, or a myriad of behaviors that had you associate tears with you being guilty for and powerless to address pain.
Support Yourself and Your Loved Ones
You internalize someone’s tears as being your fault and your responsibility. For you, this means fix it or flee. This often compounds the pain and creates distance for both partners. If you react to tears with defensiveness, dismissiveness, anger, defeat, you’re not alone. In counseling, you can learn how to support yourself and your loved ones.
Firstly, a counselor can help you identify and validate what’s at the root of your discomfort. Then, comes differentiation from those experiences and from your partner’s state. Even if they are crying directly from something you said and did, what’s likely true is the tears are pouring from a wellspring of relational pain that pre-dates you. 10% of their tears are for or because of you. 90% are the life experiences that are yet to be healed.
For the person crying and experiencing pain, there may have been many people in their lives who shamed or didn’t acknowledge their pain and expressions of it. They might feel unimportant, like a burden, judge themselves as over-sensitive or dramatic. These are relational trauma responses. Their partner can break the cycle and help them diminish those voices and provide validating space for their feelings.
Your opportunity in a relationship is becoming a space where your partner or loved one is accepted as they are, including when they’re upset and blotchy and snotting into tissues. By staying present and not trying to fix or defend, you can create a sense of belonging.
Pro-Tip: Ask your partner, when you’re both in a good headspace, what comforts them when they’re upset or crying. Even doing one or two of these things when you’re starting to acclimate to their tears or discomfort can make a huge difference and mean a lot to them.
What Does Practicing Presence During Emotional “Storms” Look Like?
Focus on your breathing. Slow your breath to calm yourself.
Proximity. Sit near your partner, place a hand on their thigh, hand, or shoulder; somewhere you know doesn’t have an extreme emotional charge for them. Continue to breathe slowly and deeply during touch. If you can remain calm, attempt to become the “louder” nervous system in the room to help regulate them.
*As you’re gaining comfort, at least stay in the same room and sit on or below their level.
If they’re open to it, try to offer silent eye contact. Just gaze at them lovingly with no words or expectations.
Keep the attention on them at this point. Don’t go into sharing your feelings, defending, explaining, or offering suggestions yet.
Get comfort items like blankets, stuffed animals, water, tissues, etc. If you need to leave the room to do this, let them know you’re going to get things and you’ll be right back.
Don’t ask questions. You might be tempted to ask: “What’s wrong? Is everything alright? What did I do? What can I do?” Even an offer of “What does support look like?” is too open and broad for them to answer when they’re activated. When they can’t answer these questions clearly during states of overwhelm, that can lead to frustration, further helplessness, and distance for both of you. *Except if there’s an emergency. Then, ask concrete yes/no questions. Something they can respond to non-verbally.
Don’t offer solutions until asked. Instead, during an ebb in the crying, say: “I’m with you. You’re safe. I’m here if you want to share.”
After the “storm” has passed, affirm your partner. “Thank you for sharing with me. I’m glad you feel safe to express yourself so fully with me. Being around crying is hard and vulnerable for me. Thank you for helping me learn and grow. I’m happy to support you.”
Don’t make jokes until they do. Joking is a common coping mechanism, and you might be really tempted to do it to ease the tension. Note this is likely your tension and for your benefit. Laughter is great medicine, but don’t try to force feed. An ill-timed joke could derail or diminish their experience.
Don’t comment about how they look, even if it’s a compliment, unless they bring it up first. It’s possible they might have been told they are ugly when they cry or that they feel that way. While coming from a kind heart, even being told “You look beautiful when you cry” might be triggering or hard for them to accept. A comment like this could be helpful once there’s more established mutual comfort with tears and you’ve had discussions about this topic.
As you become more comfortable offering these things, you might also become more comfortable being around and processing anger, having hard conversations, learning how to cry, and what you need yourself when expressing uncomfortable feelings.
Tears, just like laughter, are natural and healthy expressions. You and your partner get to decide what they mean. Just like the weather, they are a gentle drizzle, a summer shower, a storm, or even a hurricane. Tears will pass. How you support your partner through them will remain.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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