Navigating Valentine’s Day When It Doesn’t Look the Way You Thought It Would
Valentine’s Day has a way of sneaking up on people. For some couples, it’s easy and enjoyable. We LOVE that for them! For others, it feels awkward, disappointing, or just… off. And for many, it lands in that uncomfortable middle space where you’re not exactly upset, but not particularly excited either. I see this every February in my work with couples. Not because Valentine’s Day creates problems, but because it tends to shine a light on places that already feel tender.
If this holiday feels complicated in your relationship, you’re not alone and this is not a failure...you’re living a real life with real life factors. We can work with that!
When Your Life Doesn’t Match the Valentine’s Day Script
For new parents especially, Valentine’s Day often arrives in a season where sleep is inconsistent, time is limited, and the idea of romance may feel vaguely theoretical. Connection in these seasons tends to be quieter. It might look like sitting close on the couch after bedtime…sharing dessert in the kitchen or choosing rest instead of a night out. Sweet sweet sleep!
These moments still matter, even if they don’t look impressive from the outside. One of the hardest parts for couples is grieving what Valentine’s Day used to be while also trying to figure out what feels possible and realistic now.
That grief is real, and it often goes unspoken.
Kids Change the Shape of the Day
Even beyond the baby stage, kids change how Valentine’s Day works. Add them into the mix and suddenly the day requires coordination, childcare, money, timing, and energy… five things many couples are already short on. Really, for many couples, the most romantic part of the evening is simply getting everyone to sleep. Finally!!
Sometimes one partner is hoping for something intentional, while the other is just trying to make it through the week.
When that difference isn’t talked about, it can quietly turn into frustration or resentment.
Something I often remind couples of is this: Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a single, perfectly executed moment. It can be a window…a conversation, a small plan, or even something postponed to a time that actually fits your lives. Something that will actually feel good!
When Expectations Don’t Match
One of the most common things I see around Valentine’s Day isn’t a lack of effort, it’s a lack of clarity. One partner might really care about the holiday and feel hurt or disappointed when it goes unacknowledged. The other might feel pressured, unsure, or genuinely surprised that expectations exist at all. Underneath this are usually quieter questions: Do I matter to you? Do you notice what I need? Why does this feel easier for other couples than it does for us? These aren’t really questions about cards, flowers, or reservations.
They’re questions about feeling seen, valued, and understood.
The Stories We Carry Into This Day
Our feelings about Valentine’s Day don’t come out of nowhere. They’re shaped by family experiences, cultural messages, past relationships, finances, faith, loss, and seasons of life that didn’t go as planned. For some people, this holiday carries warmth and excitement. For others, it carries pressure, disappointment, or grief.
If Valentine’s Day feels loaded for you, there’s probably a reason. And that reason deserves compassion, not judgment.
Redefining What Connection Looks Like
One of the most freeing shifts couples can make is letting go of the idea that love has to look a certain way to count. Connection can be quiet. It can be simple. It can be imperfect.
It might look like appreciation instead of a grand gesture. Repair instead of romance. Presence instead of plans. Love doesn’t need a reservation to be real.
The goal isn’t to get Valentine’s Day “right.” The goal is to stay connected in a way that actually feels supportive for both of you. If Valentine’s Day brings tension or disappointment this year, consider a gentle check-in, either with yourself or with your partner: What does this day bring up for me? What am I hoping for, even if I haven’t said it out loud? What kind of connection would feel most grounding right now…not ideal, just honest?
You don’t need a perfect plan. You don’t need to compare your relationship to anyone else’s. And you don’t need to force something that doesn’t fit the season you’re in. Sometimes the most meaningful Valentine’s Day choice is simply staying curious, staying kind, and staying connected…even when it looks different than you imagined.
My name is Jaimi Douthit and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples and individuals who are ready and motivated to make changes in their lives and relationships, who can handle feedback and encouragement, and engage in using the tools I teach in therapy outside of the therapy room. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
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