Marriage During Covid-19: Coping Skills When Both Partners are Out of Work
I’ve been writing and sharing a lot about marriage during Covid-19, which interestingly is similar to the things I was thinking about in terms of working with couples before going through this pandemic. Yes, there are major adjustments to be made in our everyday lives, but the processes that have outlined our relationships are the same as they’ve always been.
I asked on social media for questions regarding navigating marriage during this pandemic, and I asked my therapist friends from around the world for their thoughts. One of the questions I thought would be most helpful to explore currently was surrounding coping skills for couples when both partners are furloughed or out of work.
Talk about a major stressor in your relationship! Your world was moving in one direction and you probably thought you had a good plan in place. This event was unexpected, and extra compassion and grace will be necessary during this time. I would anticipate emotions being high, perhaps you’ll even get angry and blame each other or yourselves. It’s ok to have big feelings, but it’s important to be mindful of how we express them.
Talk About Your Fears: Our instinct is either to outwardly express our fear by taking it out on other people, or push it down so no one knows. When couples are going through something hard that affects both people, one partner tends to play the role of caregiver and feels the desire to be strong while keeping their feelings at bay, while the other person feels alone in their fear. Carve out some time to share your fears in a clear and direct way, instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.
Understand This Is Temporary: This too shall pass. Fear may spiral out of control in the relationship because it’s easy to succumb to a scarcity mindset and become attached to the idea that you will not recover from this. It can be helpful to hold hands, take a deep breath together, remind each other that you’ve been through other challenges in your marriage, and you got through it. Discuss as a couple what things you have control over, and figure out the next right step.
Celebrate Your Victories: Hyperfocusing on how bad our situation is or what we need to do to get out of this hole can be overwhelming to our brains and regulation systems. It takes a toll on our physical, mental, and emotional health to only talk or worry about negative thoughts and anxieties. Our brains and relationships need to take a break. Make it a game to see how many victories and things have gone well each day for you personally, in your relationship, and for your family. This will help relax your brain and provide reassurance that you’ll be ok.
Those are some of my thoughts. Here’s what a few of my wonderful colleagues had to say on the subject.
“My husband just asked me on a date. I rolled my eyes at him because I too am feeling the weight of all of this, and thought he was joking. He quickly said he wasn’t and would love for us to have a picnic on the patio and I realized he’s a genius and this is what keeps the spark alive. Finding ways to still connect in meaningful ways is still important.” -Alicia Taverner, Ranchocounseling.com
“Grace upon grace is needed for each other. Also noticing your own anxiety, grief, and frustration and practice self-soothing skills like paced breathing. When we’re emotionally escalated our window of tolerance narrows and anything that happens feels 10 times bigger. The sock on the floor next to the hamper or one more Lifetime movie seem like the biggest and most egregious events in those moments!” - Tabitha Westbrook, thejourneyandtheprocess.com
“Keep to your routines as much as possible. If you shower and get dressed for work most days, do it! If you have lunch at a park, or at a particular time of day, do that. Our routines help us to feel more calm and emotionally regulated, and that helps us stay present and focused in our relationships.” - Elizabeth Cush, progressioncounseling.com
“Try to make it fun together. In our home we joke that we have been training for this for years. We enjoy being homebodies, cooking, playing outside with our dogs, and watching our favorite movies. This is our opportunity to engage in all those at home hobbies. So far it feels like a really long weekend. So far. 😜” - Erica Thompson, https://www.ericathompsontherapy.com
“Learn a new skill or hobby that you could do individually or together. Not only will it help you stay connected to your partner, but it may make you more marketable when the job market opens up again.” - Rachel Dubrow, www.racheldubrowlcsw.com
“Remember, you are rowing a boat in the same direction but on different sides.” - Helen Williamson Elliot, Helencounseling.com
“When we come out on the other side of all this, you won’t remember the dishes that didn’t get washed, and your children won’t regret the math homework that wasn’t completed on time. Sacrificing your sanity for the sake of these extra tasks, however, could have lasting consequences for your entire family. Together, we will get through this. Take care of yourself and those you love. ---from tip #6 on this blog post I wrote yesterday https://constructiveparenting.com/blog-covid19-virtual.../” - Amanda J. Zaidman, Constructiveparenting.com
“Maybe the line "And during a pandemic" should be added to marriage vows:) We may need to change our behaviors and expectations to be able to really follow our marriage vows, especially right now.” - Beth Wylie, www.pnwfamilytherapy.com
“Support each other by taking turns with parenting kids, while the other gets one hour to themselves for self-care. Also, alternate parenting duties. For example, one parent is in charge of bed/bath time, the next day alternate. This keeps from stepping on each other’s toes when parenting and decrease disagreements & frustration.” - Diana Trevino, dianatrevino.com