Fortifying Progress: Positive Reinforcement Toolkit
Have you been trying to honor your partner’s request and unsure if they notice? If they do notice, are you hitting the mark?
A lot of my work is helping people identify and ask for the change they need from themselves or their partner and tracking the processes of those changed behaviors. I help clients understand their bodily experiences with yes, no, and maybe, learn about consent, and navigate requests and negotiation. These are all awesome skills to practice!
Once a change is identified and named, it’s usually woven into homework. I’ll often check how that’s going. And the hope is that I need to check in less over time about their experiences because they’re sharing that feedback with each other.
And yet… there have been many times where it isn’t until I check in that a partner hears something new they’re trying being acknowledged and appreciated. Often followed by relief, “That’s nice to hear!” and sometimes frustration if the feedback is, “It’s still not right” and you’ve been trying it that way for weeks.
The three concepts I want to cover when it comes to giving positive reinforcement are: timing, focusing on current progress, and specificity.
Let’s Talk About Timing
With any behavioral change, learning, and integrating process, timely feedback is not only important for clarity; it’s also paramount for positive reinforcement. Of course, late is better than never…
…and the closer to the desired behavior the positive comments occur, the more quickly and likely they will be integrated.
Especially when it comes to relational learning, the feedback loop is key. If I’m wanting to make a change to improve your impact from my actions, knowing how those changes are landing is necessary and encouraging.
Imagine you’re in a school class subject that feels new and foreign to you. You keep doing homework, maybe seeing the red pen about what you missed, and then won’t know your improvement or grade until the end of the semester. For me, that would be extremely nerve-wracking and defeating.
If you’re the one doing the behavior changes, I encourage you to ask for feedback! I know it can feel extra vulnerable in that direction, and it will give you valuable information to continue progress in attuned ways.
Present Progress Focus
Another area where I see clients get stuck (and I’ve had to work on this myself) is bringing up past behavior and comparing it to current behavior. Of course, our only point of reference for the relationship and our desired changes is based on past experiences. And, how we frame and present it makes a big difference. If you’re noticing change in a direction you’ve been asking for, focus on that.
Rather than saying, “They used to always be such a stick in the mud, but now they’re going out with our friends more!” Cool. I see what you’re going for there.
Now read this and see how your body feels:
“I’ve been noticing them making effort to spend more time with me and our friends. I’ve really been enjoying our time together.”
To extend the schoolwork example, think about if your child was struggling in a subject at school. If they get a tutor, start studying, are applying themselves, even if it’s not in the ways or pace you would prefer, would you say: “Wow, your math grade was really terrible before, but you’ve gotten better. It’s taken you long enough!” How do you think they would feel hearing that? Really sit with that and list at least a couple of emotions if you can.
If it were me, it would land as a back-handed compliment. Even if it’s accurate, it’s still discouraging.
Re-do with focusing on current improvement:
“Wow you got a B+ on your last math test. I saw you studying the night before and it’s really paying off! I’m proud of you.”
This will encourage sharing their progress more readily with less fear of judgment. Giving feedback in this way as soon as you see the scores, and using specific examples, will help them connect their work and feelings of accomplishment.
Now, let’s get specific about specificity.
When giving feedback, it’s helpful to say more than, “It’s been nice. It’s better…” What’s nice? What’s better? This is where the power of truth statements comes in. Sharing an observable action with your subjective feeling helps the person remember and refine how you want or need them to show up in the future. This relational adventure is not pass/fail. Let’s be clear about what’s improving and what still needs tweaking.
EX: “When you complimented my outfit yesterday, I felt seen and desired.”
Feedback for tweak: “I really love visual compliments. I would also appreciate more affirmations about my character when you see me do something you value.”
A way I weave this practice into my relationships is by sharing what I call Highlights. After a date, event, sex, etc. I describe what I enjoyed about the experience and invite them to as well. Sharing it on the car ride home or while basking helps me remember what they like and makes it easier to keep doing it or creating those experiences.
Remember, to encourage positive change for yourself or a partner, giving timely, progress-oriented, specific, and rewarding feedback is what will keep the momentum going, which is what we’ll cover in our next blog.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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